Once the Sabres lost to the Leafs, the spell was broken, and we were able to beat the Sens. The bad news is that we won’t be able to automatically win against the Leafs (from now on we’ll have to rely on the Leafs’ suckiness to create our wins, just like the rest of the league), but the GOOD news is that the Curse of the Sens has been LIFTED!
Private to Thomas Vanek: Hey there, little buddy. That was quite a game you had last night. Where did that burst of Atlasness come from? We were all getting a little worried that Atlas was gone forever. Listen, I know that you and I have had our differences in the past (and I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but I’ve almost completely stopped calling you a “slag-faced whore” out of respect for your incredibly obvious low self esteem issues), but I’ve always secretly liked you a little bit. Don’t ask me why. So, good work last night. I’m proud of you. I think you should score four goals per game in the playoffs. Doesn’t that sound fun?
I’ll make a deal with you Thomas. If you get hot in the playoffs, I promise to do my best to remain truly disgusted with you every time I’m in the arena. You and I have established a CLEAR pattern. Just when I have been driven to genuine disgust at your play, I temporarily lose sympathy for you, I say something mean….and then you score. I think you scored at least 15 of your goals this way this season. You disgust me, I yell cruel things at you, you score. Apparently you like to be abused, which is a little sad but not at all surprising.
So Thomas, I promise to cast aside my affection and give you the abuse you so desperate crave. I’ll do this because I love you.
(This vow does not nullify my previous requests for you to seek professional help for your low self-esteem issues. I don’t want to abuse you. I want you to be happy and healthy and capable of scoring without being called a disgusting pile of puke.)