Archive for the 'Eff This' Category



Injury Report

My biggest concern going into the Olympics was that someone was going to get injured.  As much as I enjoyed these last two weeks, if Crunchy had come home all gimpy I never never never would have forgiven the Olympics.  NEVER!  And while the Sabres appear to have escaped the Olympic in good health, one thing I absolutely did not consider was a potential injury to myself.

Yes, my name is Katebits, and I managed to injure myself while watching the gold medal game.

Here is my tale of woe:

First of all, you should know that unless I’m going somewhere very fancy, I almost always wear Dansko clogs.  (I know.  I’m so sexy.  Try not to lose your head over it.)  Anyone who’s ever worn a pair of Danskos knows that while they are the MOST comfortable shoes in the world….they are also oddly tippy.  Every once in awhile, Danskos just screw you.  (In fact, some of you who were at the blogger gathering a few weeks ago may recall me practically falling for no apparent reason. You probably all thought to yourself, “Wow.  Kate is a total drunken mess.”  BUT NO.  That incident was because of my Danskos, not because of excessive drinking.  I swear on the souls of my future children with Steve Montador, it was the shoes. [I’m not kidding about these shoes- they EFF YOU UP sometimes.  My sister broke her foot while wearing them, and my friend Debby fell to the ground while holding her toddler.  THESE SHOES ARE HARDCORE.])

Anyway, when Zach Parise (who I assume Darcy is feverishly trying to trade for as we speak) scored the uber-exciting tie goal in the waning seconds of the third period, I did what any fan would do.  I leapt into the air, while screaming at the top of my lungs.  Then, I did what only fans wearing Danskos would EVER do, which is land, tip, and immediately roll my left foot awkwardly inward.

That hockey game hobbled me.  I’m limping, and sore, and all around pathetic.  The worst thing about of all is that I’m STILL WEARING THESE DEVIL SHOES (because I don’t even own any other shoes [except heels], and because I love them, and seriously, when they’re not trying to kill me they are just so so so comfortable).

And that’s my story.  I’m married to the Blobby of footwear and everything is terrible.

Passageway

When I was in college, and things seemed more stressful/horrible/dramatic than we could handle, my friends and I would remind one another that, “All of this,” and then we’d wave our hand indicating the entire college campus, “is just a passageway to bigger and better things.”

Sabres fans, this (*waves hand at the six game losing streak and the horrible train wreck that is the Buffalo Sabres*) is just a passageway to bigger and better things.

I certainly can’t guarantee that this passageway leads to the Cup or even A SINGLE WIN EVER IN THE FUTURE OF THE SABRES EVER EVER EVER AGAIN, but I can promise that we have some good things in the future.  Namely, the Olympics.

Thankfully we’re about to get a break.  We’re getting a break, and during this break we can obsess over far, far stranger sports, and we can find new heroes, and best of all, we won’t have to watch the Sabres lose.  (Actually, I assume we’ll be seeing LOTS of Sabres losing, but they’ll be losing for other teams, so who gives a rip.)

Just hold on Sabres fans.  We’re almost there.  Just one more loss game to go, and then we’re HOME FREE.  Soon it’s all figure skating, and bobsledding, and that weird sport where they ski and then shoot things.

We can worry about this unsightly mess (*waves hand at the Sabres*) later.

Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge, and Other Disgusting Atrocities: A Story in Two Parts

Part One: Last night, Crotchety Original Sam and I tromped out into the icy mess that is St. Paul for our annual Minnesota Wild game at the Xcel Center.  In past years this trip has ended in despair and tears.  (Just kidding, Sam and I ALWAYS have fun, even when the home team sucks rhino ass.)  Guess what?  THE WILD WON!  I’m pretty sure that they were so impressed with my new North Stars t-shirt that they played extra hard.  The Wild are QUITE zippy and fun.

Anyhooch, there we were, wearing sassy retro NHL t-shirts and watching the Wild win, when suddenly during the second intermission, came the “Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge.”  The jokes immediately started flying about the name of this competition and the fate you would suffer if you ate a Chipotle burrito.  (Worst name of intermission game EVER.)  The game involved contestants rapidly identifying pictures of celebrities up on the jumbotron.  The winner would win free burritos for a lucky row in the arena.   I was immediately preoccupied with imagining the meeting at Chipotle headquarters that created this game (“I know, let’s call it “The Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge!”  “Do you really think it’s a good idea to associate our burritos with sudden death, boss?”  “Oh SURE!  Sudden death refers to the GAME, not the food!  I like the name!  It’s folksy!”) to pay much attention to the contestants, and Sam was busy recounting a South Park episode which graphically detailed the terrible fate that would happen to your digestive system if you ate a Chipotle burrito.

But that’s right!  You guess it!  At the end of the contest, section 202, row 9, OUR ROW, was the lucky recipient of the Sudden Death Burritos!   Of all the hundreds of rows in the arena, we had won!  Now, I hate sudden death as much as the next gal, but I LOVE free burritos, so needless to say, I was PSYCHED.  A few minutes later, a pleasant Minnesotan came by and handed out our burrito coupons.  It was joyful.  We were triumphant.

But that’s where the fun ended.

The Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge is a SHAM, people.  First of all, it’s NOT a free burrito, it’s a “buy one get one free”.  It’s HALF of a free burrito.  Second of all, THE COUPON EXPIRES AT THE END OF 12/09.   So, after all of that rigmarole, all I got was a “buy on get one free” coupon that I have to use in the next fifteen minutes before it expires.  I think this is WRONG.

I think this is SO wrong, that I intend to give this coupon to my most hated enemy so that he/she will first have to BUY a burrito only so that he/she will suffer from the SUDDEN DEATH caused by the free one.

(Truthfully, the whole thing was hilarious.  Loudly complaining about our prize brought our row together for lots of laughs.  I suggested that we all throw our Sudden Death Chipotle Challenge Buy-One-Get-One-Free credit card gift certificates onto the ice in protest, but sadly we decided that it would be difficult to hit the ice with a coupon from the upper bowl.)

Moral of the story: Eff you, Chipotle.  Eff you right in the ear.

Part Two: At the end of the Wild game, we scurried back to Sam’s house to watch the Sabres game on DVR delay.  I changed out of my North Stars t-shirt and into a Sabres sweatshirt (I really did this), and we settled in.  Sam got to see my oh-so-delightful-I’m-sure transformation from a happy-go-lucky Wild fan to a nearly-abusive-to-the-players Sabres fan.

A few thoughts on the game:

I think it’s okay to be legitimately concerned about the following things:

1. The overall  lack of energy.  At no point did the Sabres seem pissed at Ruutu.  At no point did anyone seem to care that Roy took an elbow to the head.  At no point did coming from behind seem to create any legitimate momentum.  The Sabres might be better this year, but they’re still lacking in the “fiery passion” department.

2. Tim Connolly and Drew Stafford.  Remember when we all used to wring our hands and saying things like, “Oh, if only Tim Connolly could stay healthy THE SABRES WOULD BE UNSTOPPABLE.”  Did anyone ever stop to consider that someday Timmeh would be able to stay healthy and that he would simply….suck? I don’t even know what to say about Staffy.

3. I know that they got a power play goal, but the power play still looks like a half-eaten Sudden Death Chipotle burrito.  Which is to say, very bad.

4. I’m pretty sure that Lindy put Vanek first in the shootout to reward him for playing a good game, but it was ill-advised.   I know, hindsight is 20/20, but Lindy OBVIOUSLY flew too close to the sun on that one.  Sadly, all the confidence-building good of the game was probably erased when Thomas failed (for the 50 millionth time) to score in the shootout.  Very unfortunate.

The following things are legitimately good:

1. At the start of the game, I said to Sam, “The following players MUST have a good game: Thomas Vanek, Jason Pominville” and then they both scored!  I will try this trick again today.

2. Steve Montador is getting hotter by the day.  Is it just me, or does he always seem to be charging around creating offensive chances and being generally foxy?  Private to Monty: My car mats ALWAYS need shaking.  IfyouknowwhatImean.

3. We should be happy they got a point. That was a bad game, but they’re still leading the division.  I have no experience with the ebb and flow of a successful season.  As a result, I think my spazziness after the bad games is probably a tish excessive, and for that I apologize.  Being a Negative Nellie is not my real-life style, so, let’s be thankful for this point.  Let’s love this point like it’s the best point in the world.  Last year the Sabres missed the playoffs by two points. Maybe this point that we inexplicably squeezed out the Ottawa game was one of those points that we will really need later on.

Moral of the story: There is another Sabres game in a few hours.  I’m going to forgive them for yesterday, but if they look like disinterested poo again, I’m sending my Sudden Death Chipotle Buy-One-Get-One-Free credit card coupon to the Sabres locker room.  That’ll teach ’em.

What’s the Opposite of an Ode?

Disgusting Sabres, how do I hate thee?  Let me count the ways.

1. You suck.

2. You make me physically sick. I was at that game, and my eyes are still burning from the disgusting sight of it.  My stomach is still churning from the noxious bile your game inspired.

3. You have no geese on your team, and I hate you for it. *angry, disgusted HONK*

4. You’re ugly.  Yeah, I said it.

5. You employ Jason Pominville who is both disgusting and dispassionate.

6. You employ Thomas Vanek who is slaggy, overpaid, hideous, and who makes the post previous to this one look ridiculous.  He’s never scoring again.

7. Your uniforms are an embarrassment.

8. You play highlights from previous games during the game, which you seem to think will get the crowd pumped up.  You are wrong.  Seeing highlights of the Sabres scoring against the Devils only enrages us.

9. Tyler Myers is stupidly tall and his neck is annoyingly long.

10. You employ Drew Stafford, who is probably twittering something assy RIGHT NOW, when all he should be doing is tweeting over and over again, “On behalf of the Buffalo Sabres, I hotpologize for that steaming pile of poo.”  Unless it’s an hotpology, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, STAFFY.

11. You have NO ONE on the team who can score a clutch goal.  This makes me think of Chris Drury AND THAT MAKES ME HATE YOU.

12. You employ Lindy Ruff who will probably be lauded tomorrow in the papers for not “sugar coating it” in his post-game comments.  Barf.  He’ll most likely respond to this debacle by playing Ryan Miller for the next 18,329 games.

13. You employ Mike Grier because if you didn’t, these losers would probably be high on reefer all the time.  They’d never ever win because they’d be too busy binging on Cheetos and making faces behind Lindy’s back.  They need a babysitter, and it grosses me out.

14. You didn’t even TRY to win tonight. (Don’t even TRY to tell me that you tried.  DON’T EVEN TRY.)

15. My row has a freaking GATE at the end of it, and I CAN’T GET OUT, AND I HATE YOU FOR IT.

16. Until tonight, your record with me in attendance was 6-0, and I hate you for ruining it.  Yeah, I know I should just be grateful I’ve seen so many good games already this year, BUT I’M NOT.  I HATE you for turning me into a douchebag.

17. It was icy outside tonight, AND I BLAME YOU.

18. You made me practically cheer for the opposition BECAUSE THIS SHUTOUT ACTUALLY MEANT SOMETHING.  I might actually like Marty Brodeur more than I like you.  A-holes.

19. I hate you for making me even THINK about yelling, “Shooooot!  SHOOT!  ARRRRGH, SHOOT YOU MOTHER EFFERS.”

20. I hate your hotdogs.

21. I hate the UB Neurosurgery Brain Bender.

22. I hate the mini-blimp.

23. I hate that you list “cheese cup” as a menu item.

24. I hate that when I come in I have to open my coat for the security guard.  I don’t like being forced to flash guys I don’t know.  Pervs.

25. I hate Tim Connolly.

26. I love Ryan Miller.  I hate you for not being uniformly disgusting and hateable.

27. You’re stupid, and ugly, and lame, and 100% NOT cool.

28. I hate you for making me think about tenth place tonight.  TENTH PLACE.

Dear NHL,

Scheduling all 30 teams to play at the same time is neither cool nor sassy.  It’s incredible lame.  It’s like broadcasting an entire new season of Mad Men on ten different channels during the same 3 hour period.  It’s like eating all three meals at lunchtime.  It’s like sleeping for 48 straight hours and then trying to stay awake for the next five days.  It’s the stupidest plan in the world.

Sincerely,

Katebits

Crazy Lady + Airplane = Bad News

Have you ever wondered what happens when there is a crazy person on your flight?  I can now tell you.

First the whole plane becomes aware of her during boarding.  She’s talking too loudly and too rudely about the very young flight attendant.

Then, the entire plane gets veeery nervous about her when she loudly and shrilly demands to know what the guy filling the gas tank is doing out there.  “HE’S BEEN OUT THERE FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES.  WHAT IS HE DOING?!  HE DOES NOT LOOK HE KNOWS WHAT HE’S DOING AT ALL.  NOW HE’S UNDER THE PLANE.  HE’S UNDER THE PLANE.”  Then, everyone pretends not to eavesdrop when the flight attendant comes over to try to calm her down.  Everyone is very very very very wary of this loud lady traveling alone.

She is trouble.  She is both belligerent and terrified.

Then, when the plane starts to pull out of the gate, the lady screams (yes, screams), and begins shouting and sobbing, “THAT PLANE IS COMING RIGHT AT US.  OH MY GOD.  WHY WOULD THEY PARK HERE!  Oh MY GOD.  I”M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT OFF THIS FLIGHT.  I’M GOING TO DIE.  I KNOW IT.  I CAN’T DO THIS.  I HAVE TO GET OFF THIS FLIGHT.”

This is when the flight attendant (who really does look too young to be doing this job) begins to look very nervous, and she leaps out of her seat and gets on a little phone, presumably to the cockpit.  There is a long phone conversation while the crazy lady is being loud, and those of us near her are trying to calm her down and everyone else on the flight is silently willing the plane to stop.

Please don’t put us in the air with this lunatic.

Then, after about twenty minutes the plane begins to move back towards the gate.   Some people groan, but most of us are relieved.  The crazy scared lady begins to complain that the flight attendant is over reacting and that if she had any idea how to do her job this wouldn’t be happening.  “I’VE BEEN UP SINCE FOUR AM!  I JUST WANT TO GET HOME.  THERE IS NO NEED TO STOP THE PLANE,” she screeches.  None of us argue with her because she is sobbing and the plane is already stopped and the wheels of airline justice are already in motion.  Why risk provoking her further?

Then, after another half hour, the foxy pilot comes back and first asks her what’s wrong, and when she starts bitching about how everyone is overreacting, he basically tells her to can it.  He informs her in a loud enough voice for those of us nearby to hear, that some people from inside the airport are coming to talk to her.  Innnnteresting, we all think.

Then, after another twenty minutes two cop cars pull up next to the plane and we all think, “Holy TOLEDO!  Are they going to arrest her?!” The crazy lady FINALLY begins to understand that she has freaked everyone out and caused a major delay, and that she might be in BIG TROUBS.  She stops bitching, and starts whining.

Then, finally, a very authoritative man, with a very calm demeanor walks smoothly through the plane, leans down to the woman and speaks very quietly, so that we cannot here what he says.  It becomes clear to us that this is his job.  Getting uncooperative and disruptive people off planes is this man’s job.  Specifically this.  He’s good at his job, because whatever he says to her works, and she stands up and leaves the plane without resistance.

Then she is gone, and the entire plane starts talking to each other about what a crazy loon she was, and OMG I’M SO GLAD WE DIDN’T TAKE OFF WITH HER IN THE PLANE.

Then we finally get home and we immediately write about it on our blogs, because although we have flown on many, many flights, we’ve never seen anything quite like that.

Brave New World

I can’t TELL you what a shift in perception I’ve gone through with the Sabres in the last two weeks.  It’s amazing!  Basically, I suddenly have this long term view that I really didn’t have before.  Last week, if the Sabres lost, everything was terrible.  That was the beginning and the end of the story.

But now….it’s different.  It’s partly different because I don’t see any easy way out of the current sucky situation (besides firing Lindy, but I seriously doubt that’s going to actually happen).  I think the best we can hope for is that Darcy gets fired, which I just don’t see translating to much change on the ice, at least not for awhile.  No matter what, this team needs big time change.  I’d LOVE to be wrong about this, but unless something pretty drastic happens in the coaching/management arena, we might be looking at a few years of mediocrity.

Oddly, I’m not that freaked out.

Here’s why:

1. It’s kind of a relief to stop worrying about the dumb old Sabres all the time.  For two years we’ve all been pulling our hair out trying to understand this team.  Why aren’t they winning?  WHAT’S wrong with them?  Blah blah blah blah blahblahblah.

They suck!  That’s what’s wrong with them!  The management is kind of sucky, the coaching is kind of sucky, and the players are kind of sucky.  It’s just suckage, all around.

Am I the only one who feels liberated by this?

Remember back before it became a book and a movie, that episode of Sex in the City when Miranda first learned the concept of “He’s just not that into you” and it really DID make sense?  That’s how this feels.  Like, OOOOOOOh, they’re just sucky.  So, I should stop analyzing every single thing they do, because none of it really matters?  They’re just SUCKY.  Huh.  Well, okay then.

2. At the game on Friday, I started thinking about how it would feel to go to games that weren’t sold out.  What if there was lots of room to spread out, and you could sneak into much better seats than you had paid for?   That….might be TOTALLY AWESOME.  I mean, even if the Sabres really suck, they’re still playing hockey, and there will still be big beers at the game.  I really wouldn’t mind being able to put my jacket on the seat next to me and my feet on the chair in front of me.

3. I might actually be able to get season tickets.

4. The playoffs are just so stressful.  It’s kind of nice to have a whole little second hockey season without the Sabres.

5. Okay, I know that last one was a bit of a cop out.  I DO want the Sabres in the playoffs again.  I do.  Which leads me to my next point, which is that the Sabre WON’T suck forever.  They just won’t.  Maybe this group will find a way to pull it together, or maybe it will be the next generation of Sabres who will stop the suckage, but sooner or later, we’re going to get some relief from this mediocrity.  I promise.  There might not be dozens of Cups in the history of the Sabres, but it’s not wall-to-wall suckage, either.  The day will come when the Sabres don’t suck.

6. And when that day comes, and the Sabres stop sucking, it will be sweeter because of this time we are in right now.  I am a new fan, but I am not a bandwagon fan.  I am earning my stripes right now, and so are you.   Someday, when the Sabres are good again, we can pat ourselves on the backs for being badasses who loved the team even when loving them was difficult.  We are hardcore, and we are awesome.


…A Blog About the Buffalo Sabres

Observations 2
I can be reached at: willfulcaboose [at] gmail [dot] com

For All Your Facebook “Needs”

Categories

puck goggles
In accordance with the Fair Use Copyright Law, The Willful Caboose uses logos and registered trademarks of the National Hockey League to convey my criticism and inform the public of the Sabres' suckitude/badassitude (whatever the case may be). Photos on The Willful Caboose are used without permission, but do not interfere with said owner's profit. If you own a specific image on this site and want it removed, please e-mail me (willfulcaboose [at] gmail [dot] com) and I will be more than happy willing to oblige. (Special thanks to The Pensblog for their help with this disclaimer.)

Pages