As I am wont to do, I wandered onto the Sabres website today. I was just sort of meandering around, looking for fun stuff, when I realized, “Hey! Shouldn’t there be new Sabres yearbook photos soon?” And low and behold! It’s picture day!
I should start out by saying that I love that these guys have to sit down for pictures every year like elementary school students. There is something very charming about grown men getting their photo taken for the yearbook. The scenario also creates all sorts of titillating locker room situations in my imagination. Suddenly, the guys are not just cleaning up after a game; now they are also hilariously primping. Because, you know, it’s picture day. I hope that they have to stand in a single file line as they wait to get photographed, and I hope someone hands them one of those tiny black combs so that they can make last minutes adjustments to their hair. I don’t know about you, but for me, picture day held an amazing amount of promise.
Let’s check in on the winners and losers of Sabres Picture Day ’07, shall we?
First of all, the winners:
Derek Roy, Tim Connolly, Jochen Hecht, and Ryan Miller
These boys showed up to picture day with their A game. All of these guys are looking their personal best, which is really the best case scenario for a yearbook photo. We can’t all be super models, but we can all embrace our own unique beauty. Well played boys! I particularly enjoy Derek Roy’s obviously carefully styled hair. Roysie is clearly angling for a leadership role on the team this season, and he is leaving no hair uncoifed in his effort to show Lindy he’s got what it takes to lead the team to victory. Tim Connolly embraced the grin this season; a move I whole heartily endorse. Jochen Hecht has got the best coy, hint-of-a-smile in the business. And lastly, even with questionable raw material to work with, Ryan Miller consistently brings it on picture day. It just goes to show, a little bit of confidence goes a long way. Bravo! Bravo!
Sadly, not everyone had such successful picture days. For every Derek Roy, there must be a Drew Stafford.
Oh, Staffy.
This picture is a disaster. Not only did Stafford opt for a cocky sneer, but he appears to have spent his summer sleeping in a coffin and drinking the blood of virgins. His alabaster skin is terrifying in an undead kind of way. Staffy, next year try pinching your cheeks to bring some color to your skin before you sit down for your yearbook photo. If you are in fact a flesh eating zombie, I think you should just own it, and give us your best bloody, fang-filled smile. (Good work with the unibrow, though. Those eyebrows can’t be easy to deal with. I give you full credit there.)
duh…
Listen up, Pommers and Soupy. I get it. You’re non-threatening. You’re cute and nice. I GET IT, already. Now sit up straight, close your mouths, and act like the puckbunny fodder you supposedly are. Look at Roysie up there! He’s making FOOLS out of you guys. Being a teen-bopper favorite is an honor and a privilege, and if you are not up to the task, the squealing fourteen-year-old girls will find someone who is. This is your last warning.
This last photo defies all logic and reason. You should sit down before you view it, such is its incredible power. Brace yourselves, Dear Readers. Brace yourself for Toni Lydman ’07.
Sweet mother of God.
I….don’t…know what….to..say. When I first saw this photo I laughed for about twenty minutes, then I might have cried for a little while, I don’t know….it was a confusing time. If Hilary Clinton and a baby chick got married and had a child, this is what their child would look like when it woke up from a nap. In other words, this might be the greatest hockey yearbook photo ever taken, but it might also be the worst. I can’t tell. My love for Toni Tony Tone Lydman has increased ten-fold, of this I am certain. It remains to be seen how this photo will effect Toni’s status as Kate’s Potential Favorite Sabre, but he’s certainly given me a lot think about here. You can say what you want about Toni Lydman, but you really can’t argue with his moxie.
There you have it folks! Be sure to check out the rest of the gang over at the Sabres website. Who’s your favorite?
The Willful Caboose 
I have to say that I can’t defend Staffy here. He seems to be modeling himself after his favorite fan, as it looks like some of my old yearbook photos. Come on, buddy!
But being a male hockey fan, if he scores 30 goals, I could care less!
i want to tap into the same well you’ve tapped into, this entry is pure greatness.
I’ll have to stop reading TWC while I’m at work though!!!
I thought something was a little off w/Toni on Saturday, but I thought it was just because it was sunny and I didn’t have my sunglasses.
Wow…er…Toni is really rocking the suburban mom haircut there. Which is all well and good if you are a suburban mom, but unless he’s trying to tell us something here, he should really reconsider those bangs.
Also, Vanek really needs to avail himself of that comb. I’m all for mussed looking hair, but that’s not the way to do it.
But being a male hockey fan, if he scores 30 goals, I could care less!,
Mark, don’t get me wrong. I’ll take an entire team of 30-goal-scoring flesh eating zombies! We didn’t hire Staffy for his good looks, that’s for sure.
Kate, this entire entry killed me. I’m dying here.
Toni usually takes pretty good pictures considering he’s not the most handsome guy in the world so I don’t know what happened here. But this is seriously like the 18th different haircut he’s had immortalized on picture day. That in and of itself is awesome.
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen Derek is street clothes coming in and out of the arena, but I get the feeling he cares very much what looks like. I have no doubt that’s hours of primping. And bravo Timmy! I can never really decide if he’s cute but here he’s convincing me he might be. And Jochen is totally grinning compared to his typical picture! He’s usually actively frowning.
Hank’s looked better. He has that “I’m getting my picture taken” smile about him this year. I like the scruff though.
This is just a BRILLIANT post. I wonder if IPB should steal your idea, then try to pass it off as our own? Maybe I should stop commenting now so no one can prove I read this before posting our version of it…
I have to say, Roysie sure cleaned up nice in that picture. I had no idea he could look so cute! And Crunchy, just… wow. He really manages to make being catastrophically asymmetrical look great, doesn’t he? And he looks genuinely affable there, which proves that photographs can lie. I am sorely disappointed by Pommers, who should know better. Come on, Pommers! Nature gave you a lot to work with, so don’t waste it! (As for Soupy, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him NOT look like a dolt.) And Staffy? Well. Sigh. Yikes. I bet that pose works better on yearbook picture day when everyone’s in white tie and monocles.
i think ryan got his head stuck in a vice as a teenager. seriously.
Schnookie, “catastrophically asymmetrical” is hilarious. I think you guys should DEFINITELY do a Devils Yearbook photo post.
Heather, has Hank been reading Top Shelf? Is he growing a beard to impress you? And I agree, this is without a doubt the best that Timmy has ever looked. He should grin more often.
Heather, has Hank been reading Top Shelf? Is he growing a beard to impress you?
:::gasp!:::
Whole entry:
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You kill me Kate. You just kill me.
On Toni: Are you sure that’s not a woman? Maybe he’s transgender or transexual or whatever it’s called these days. Has anyone considered this possibility?
My favorite is the bald one. I don’t remember his name.
My favorite is the bald one. I don’t remember his name.
Tim Connolly.
He really does look suspiciously like a forty-five-year-old woman, doesn’t he, Courtney? I can’t imagine there is any advantage to having a middle aged woman on your NHL team, so I doubt anyone will bother challenging Toni’s gender, but you raise an interesting point.
Oh, I bet Lou would challenge Toni’s gender. I mean, no one loves the “so-and-so is transgendered” rumor more than Lou. And while he probably wouldn’t bother unless he really wanted Toni for the Devils, based on that picture, I bet it wouldn’t be a tough sell for him.
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(I drank a lot of milk, what can I say?)
I know there is so much I can say to try to defend Staffy here but… there’s no defending that. I’m sorry. Staffy knows some of us don’t care what his yearbook photo looks like; we’ll love him unconditionally. Well, unconditionally until he decides he’s not friends with Zach, Travis and Jordy, at which point we’ll drop him like a hot, uni-browed, potato.
I think that staffy guy’s photog was a woman and he was not… looking her in the eye. I don’t know anything about this guy, but he’s creeping me out through my very computer screen.
Do you think the she-man had to hide her curlers so the other hockey men wouldn’t kick her/his ass?
I love it when you post stuff I can read without knowing a single solitary thing about hockey.
I saw Steve Avery’s picture somewhere, and he’s wearing “Hanson Brothers” glasses in his photo.
Sean Avery – I need more coffee.
Totally worth looking at (thanks, Becky): http://www.newyorkrangers.com/team/playerinfo.asp?playerid=369
What a dork.
Kate, this is a totally brilliant entry. Thank you for a great laugh to start my day!
Can I give an honorable mention to Goose for realizing that the jersey looks better with a t-shirt worn underneath it? Clearly, in addition to knowing how to give a good helmet nuzzle, he realizes the value of layering garments.
Dear Katebits,
I’m sorry you find my flesh-eating zombie ways a source of amusement. Trust me when I say the poverty-stricken villages I visited this summer as part of Flesh-Eating Zombies Without Borders found my visage a harbringer of hope for a better future. On behalf of Flesh-Eating Zombies everywhere, I say, “Laugh, laugh all you want. Someday, when you need the help of a do-gooder Flesh-Eating Zombie, we’ll be there to help you anyway.”
Yours Truly,
Staffy
I am so puzzled by that picture of Avery. So now that he can’t be identified as “that guy who’s dating Keifer’s idiot daughter from ’24′” he wants to be identified as “that guy who disproves the rule that hockey players in glasses are irresistible”? I mean, glasses? Really? And those glasses? What the hell? It makes my head hurt.
There’s no way those glasses are even real. They’re just clear glass.
I KNOW! Why is Avery trying to ruin hockey players in glasses for everybody else. Asshole!
Oh, Staffy. I promise I will call you for all of my flesh-eating needs. And as long as you play your little zombie heart out on the ice, I don’t care how many virgins you devour.
I think it’s awesome that Jochen Hecht took time off from playing drums for U2 to have a hockey career
Is it possible Timmy had a nose job? Because I finally realized what the difference is. His nostrils aren’t bothering me nearly as much in this picture as they usually do. In the past, I’ve always gotten hung up on his nose. I’m going to choose to believe that he totally did.
I second what Mags said.
Until I made the mistake of clicking on the Avery link. Then I let out a little cry of horror and frantically went to click the “X” to close the window. Dear god, the horror.
Is it possible Timmy had a nose job?
Do you THINK, Heather?! Wow. A nose job for a hockey player would be vanity of the highest order. I mean, hockey players are supposed to be all grizzled and effed up. This is an interesting accusation. I have been scurrying around the internet trying to find another picture to compare this to, but I can’t find any where he is smiling so widely. I think the smile might be throwing you off. Is it possible his grin is somehow masking weird nostrils?
This might call for an TWC Special Investigation!
I miss my Teppo. I miss his sleazy grin that looks only at me and says “Yes, YOU Shari”. I just miss his holy sexiness. WHY!WHY!WHYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!
These guys seem to be funny, there hair style makes me laugh much more,but i didnt get wat i expect in this blog.Actually i expect some solution for my nose problem…nice post to go
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