The Only Way Out Is Through

As Sabres fans we are entering strange territory. It feels a bit like we’ve been launched into space. There is no ground beneath our feet, and personally, I have no idea which way is up.

Unfortunately, I don’t think we’re at rock bottom yet, and that’s both incredibly depressing and oddly exhilarating. How low can this thing go? What does “low” even mean at this point? Should we be rooting for a draft pick? Is down the only way up?

Who knows.

All I know is that this shit is depressing. As recently as a few days ago I thought we would be fighting against anger. I thought Sabres fans were going to rise up in cartoonish mobs of unreasonable crankiness, pitchforks and torches in hand. Now I know that that was just my Buffalo sports fan inexperience talking. No one is angry. We’re depressed.

We wish. If only it were this easy.

Anger is easy to mock, but depression is a slippery beast. Anger is focused. Depression is murky.

Last night Tyler Myers gave an interview where he was very obviously fighting back tears. He said, “This has been a devastating road trip,” and there was detectable and literal devastation in his voice.

I mean, what the eff, Hockey Gods? WHAT THE EFF. We’re supposed to be able to hate the Sabres when they suck. Last night I wanted to make Tyler Myers a grilled cheese sandwich and then cut off the crust in a way that creates a heart-shape. I wanted to rock him back and forth while whispering, “It’s okay, big guy. You’re going to be okay,” until he fell into fitful sleep. Then, this morning I wanted to put an encouraging note in his lunchbox, and promise him that today will be a better day. I can’t hate Tyler Myers. Hell, I can’t even make fun of him.

ARG! THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE.

Hey… look at that. I turned my depression into anger and then turned my anger into a joke and now I feel teeny-tiny bit better. At least my vaguely unhealthy coping mechanisms are still intact.

Last night before the game there was a not-insignificant part of me that was hoping the Sabres would lose. The reality is that the more the Sabres lose, the closer they are to a good draft pick and the higher the possibility that someone will finally get fired. Those are the facts. So, I just thought, “Go for it Sabres. Do your worst.” I thought I could handle it, but no matter how much my brain understands that losses are more valuable than wins at this point, my heart cannot understand. Rooting against the Sabres is fundamentally depressing. In between games, losing seems like a tolerable outcome, but watching it live is brutal and sad, no matter what. It’s not for me.

NOOOOOO! Fight, Sabres! FIGHT, GODDAMN IT! *sob*

I guess this is how it is now. These are confusing times. We’re lost in the Swamp of Sadness, and all we can do is wade through the muck.

We’ll get through it, Sabres fans. WE WILL.

Stupid sports.

10/30/11

The Concert Gods spared my from having to watch the game last night (Thank you, Concert Gods), so I didn’t see the wreckage of the Sabres’ third period with my own two eyes. BUT, let me assure you Sabres fans, your despair came through loud and clear on Twitter.

Is the despair justified? Are we all just being gigantic spazzes? Should we just chill? Sometimes when I miss a game I find myself a little confused. What’s the right way to feel about the Sabres? Like every cerebral sports fan, in times like these, I turn to statbits to clarify the situation. Emotions are messy, but numbers? Numbers don’t lie.

Let’s crunch the numbers and find out how we should feel about the Sabres right now.

According to my calculations:

3 iffy late-game penalties +  bad defense + STFU, Nathan Gerbe + Bills in Toronto + bad goaltending + Ryan Miller haters gloating on twitter + Wait… they didn’t even get a point? + mental fragility + The damn Leafs are still winning + SERIOUSLY EFF YOU, MARCO STURM = crankiness all around.

There you have it, Sabres fans. Last night was a bad scene. I think everyone in town should just allow themselves to wallow for a day. Let’s all eat some mini-candy bars, and pray for a Bills win.

We’ll reconvene back here tomorrow to reassess the situation.

We See That Which We Want To See

I’ve seen the Sabres lose in alllll sorts of ways, but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen them lose quite like that.

It happened so fast, and so inexplicably.  Usually during a meltdown at SOME point I start to have that feeling of dread, but I’m telling you, I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.  There was NO sense of impending doom.

Here’s my recap: I watched 57 good minutes solid hockey, but then I must have blacked out for about 3 minutes and ten seconds, because suddenly I was standing in my living room with my hands on my head, grasping fistfuls of my own hair, in the international pose of, “WTF JUST HAPPENED?!”  And I was watching Crunchy skate off the ice so fast it was like his little hockey pants were on fire, and my twitter feed was full of people having conniption fits, and I might have been bleeding out of my eyes a little bit.  I dunno.  It was a bad scene.

Even though I watched every minute of that game, I still don’t really understand what happened. (And please, do NOT take that as an invitation to tell me what happened in the comment thread. Ignorance is bliss. I’ll go ahead and assume that some combination of Sabres completely sucked ass for a few very unfortunate minutes.)

So, after the game I was all distraught, befuddled, and sad.  But suddenly, in my darkest hockey-hour, I had a REALLY good idea: I’m NOT going to be distraught and befuddled and sad.  I’m just going to go on living my life in a normal, orderly fashion.

I know!  I’m like Buddha-on-the-mountaintop over here!

That loss was stupid, it made no logical sense, and I do not accept it as part of my reality.  The End.

State of the Onion

I was originally going to write a post about the Sabres, inspired by the Bills, titled “State of the Union”.

The post was probably going to be totally lame because the plan was to talk about how my relationship with the Sabres feels different this season and blah blah blah whine whine blah blah blah shut up Katebits blah blah.  It was all planned out.

But then, I sat down to write this emo post, and when I was writing the title, I accidentally wrote “State of the Onion” instead of “State of the Union,” which made me giggle.  Then, figuring that the Blogging Gods had intervened in order to prevent me from writing a lame emo post, I realized that maybe I have the strength to forge ahead as a Buffalo sports fan after all.

So, I guess that’s the state of the union.  I’m listing towards mopey-ness, but I’m easily distracted by other, happier things.  Like funny typos about onions.

(When is Festivus, by the way?  I think we might all benefit from some organized, “airing of the grievances”.)

The Saddest Song in the World

Sometimes the Sabres are SO bad, even singing “My Favorite Things” can’t help them.

  :(  Is there ANYTHING sadder than a sad version of My Favorite Things?

Mercifully, I had to work tonight, and while I intended to watch the game on a DVR delay a coworker accidentally told me the score.   Thank goodness.

Let’s all get a good night’s sleep, and we’ll talk about it in the morning.

The Body is Getting Cold

Tonight I was hoping to go to the arena and see the Sabres play game seven, but sadly, game 7 withered and died when it was just a twinkle in our mind’s eye.  Game 7 never had a chance to grow up and see the arena, and this is a tragedy.

Poop.

What We Should Have Done

Like all Sabres fans, I’ve spent the better part of today wondering, “What went wrong?  How did this happen?”

Before this series began, I didn’t know what to expect.  This was my first experience with the fast pace of the playoffs, and even though the series outcome was ultimately disappointing, I think I learned a lot.  For example, I can now definitively tell you, based on my experience as a fan, that getting knocked out of the first round of the playoffs BLOWS.  I canNOT recommend that your team get eliminated by a division rival in the first round.  No siree.  If someone asks you if you’d like to see your team lose to the Bruins in round one, you should say, “NO,” loud and clear.

This might be confusing for some, so I’ve compiled a list of possible scenarios and suggestions for how you should react should any of these scenarios arise.  Hopefully, if you follow these scripts, we can avoid this kind of devastating loss in the future.

___________

Scenario #1

Tim Connolly: Hey, Sabres fan!  How would you feel about watching me skate around doing nothing for an entire playoff series?
You: BAD.  PLEASE DON’T DO THAT.
Tim Connolly: What if, after it was all over, I told you I was comPLETEly healthy?
You: What?  No!  If you suck you better be hurt!
Tim Connolly: Nope!
You: No thanks, man.

___________

Scenario #2

Chara: Hello, Buffalo!  I hear your babies are tender and delicious.  I would like to eat them in front of you.  Is this alright with you?
You: No, Chara.  You may NOT eat our babies.

___________

Scenario #3

Lindy Ruff: I have a job for life!
Darcy Regier: It’s true, he does!
You: I’m not cool with this.
Lindy Ruff: And that’s why you’re BENCHED.
You: You can’t bench me.
Darcy: Yes he can.  You…benched.
Lindy Ruff: And you know what else?  Scoring goals is for weenies!  CASE CLOSED!
You: I am 100% opposed to you right now.

___________

Scenario #4

Boychuk: I’m going to take out your best player.
You: ….Mike Grier?
Boychuk: NO NOT MIKE GRIER, THOMAS VANEK!  I’m going to hobble Vanek.  What do you think of that?
You: I am NOT IN FAVOR of that, you unbelievable bastard.

___________

Scenario #5

Jochen Hecht’s pinky: I am a delicate flower.  Long and tapered.  So pretty.
You: Are you required for playing hockey?
Jochen Hecht’s pinky: Surprisingly, yes.
You: Here.  Take these steroids.

___________

Scenario #6

Thomas Vanek: I’m going to singlehandedly win this series for the Sabres!
You: Hell yeah you are!  WOOO!
Thomas Vanek: ….unless I get hurt.
You: Are you going to get hurt?!
Thomas Vanek: Yeeeah.  I am.
You: NO!  BAD PLAN!  THAT’S A BAD PLAN!

___________

Scenario #7

Torres: Hello.
You: Uh, hi McCormick.
Torres: My name is Torres.  I was good in Columbus.  Darcy traded for me at the deadline.
You: Whatever, McCormick.  Whatever.

___________

Scenario #8

Crunchy: Hey, fan.  I think I’m going to shave my beard into a mustache.
You: That is a GREAT idea.
Crunchy: I know.  But…I hate to tell you this, but my mustache won’t make the powerplay any better.
You: I find that hard to believe.
Crunchy: Believe it.
You: Well then, I think you should shave your facial hair into a shape that WILL make the powerplay better.
Crunchy: Good idea!

___________

Scenario #9

Derek Roy:  Remember how we never gave up leads during the regular season?
You: Yeah.
Derek Roy: What if during the playoffs, we DID give up leads?  Wouldn’t that be exciting?
You: No.  Absolutely not.  That would NOT be exciting.  NO.
Derek Roy: So, we should give up leads then?
You: NO, DO NOT GIVE UP LEADS.
Derek Roy: I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying, so I’m just going to go ahead and let the Bruins catch up.
You: NO.  DO NOT DO THAT.
Derek Roy: Okay then.  Giving up the lead, it is.
You: NO! NO! NO! NO!  KEEP THE LEAD.
Derek Roy: Leads are lame.  I hear you loud and clear.
*this is when you should strangle Derek Roy*

___________

Scenario #10

Hockey Gods: Would you rather miss the playoffs altogether, or watch the Sabres get creamed by a division rival?
You: I want them to make the playoffs.
Hockey Gods: Good call.  Stay strong, Sabres fan.
You: Do I have any choice?
Hockey God: Nope.

___________

I hope this helps, dear reader!  Next year we’re going to have to work together to avoid getting knocked out in the first round.  If we stick to the system, we can succeed (…next year).

Deep Breath

Okay, I can’t stand the idea that people might get up in the morning, and come here to my blog (possibly for the first time) and find a picture of a sad puppy followed by a post of many lines of “Let’s go Buff-a-lo,” so, I’m going to try to write something using my brain.

Here we go.

Brain….activate!

……You know what?  I can’t use my brain tonight.  I’m going to use my feelings. (I know.  Barf.)

Feelings……activate!

Well, that sucked.  I was hoping for a lot more, and I’m sure you were too. I can’t make heads or tails of the Sabres right now, but I would like to say this:  This year was a lot more fun than last.  Ultimately, it was a disappointment, but hell, I better get used to it because this is what I signed up for when I willingly became a Buffalo sports fan.

Usually I’m one of the first in line to pile on the Sabres when they suck, but I’m just not feeling it tonight.  I need to let the air clear before I kick them when they’re down (the kicks are coming, don’t you worry, dear reader).

Truthfully, I loved this season.  There was more hope this year than I’ve ever experienced before as a Sabres fan.  There was the sense that this is a team that’s improving.  There were season tickets!  (Sorry, that one is a little Katebits-specific)  There was inspired goaltending.  There was a killer rookie.  And most importantly, there was a playoff car flag.

The end came too soon.  That’s for sure.  We have maaaany weeks to discuss the-end-that-came-too-soon.

Tonight I just want to say, thank you for coming to this blog and for sharing your thoughts about this (irksome) team.  I am good and bummed, but I love the Sabres, and I love sharing my experiences as a fan with my fellow Buffalonians.

(PS- Stay away from Twitter tonight because it’s really surly in there.)

(PPS- We can start firing everyone tomorrow.  And I do mean EVERYONE [except Myers, Ennis, Goose, Miller, and Vanek.]  If we can’t fire them, we’ll trade them all for Iginla.

(PPS- Tomorrow we can also being begging Mike Grier not to leave us in Buffalo, alone with these bozos.  Please don’t leave, Mike Grier.  Please, please, please don’t leave.)

That Was Really Brutal

When I saw Vanek practically crawling back to the bench, my heart absolutely sunk. I could feel the heart of the arena sink around me.  It’s amazing, and more than a little scary, how one play can change everything about a game.

Get well soon, Thomas Vanek.

Chin Up

Ryan Miller has never been more determined to grow wings and learn to fly than he is right now.