Archive for the 'Brian Campbell' Category

To Boo, Or Not to Boo?

My position on booing is unwavering.

If you feel compelled to boo either Kane or Soupy, I say let it rip.  It’s just a sound.  Contrary to what the media will have you believe, booing just isn’t that big a deal.  Booing can be really fun, and often, it’s lighthearted and playful.

One interesting aspect of tonight is that both Kane and Soupy seem a little worried about being booed.  Ordinarily I’d say I just don’t care about either of them enough to boo, but if Soupy starts unraveling because of it (and we all know that’s totally possible) I think it might be our responsibility to boo him.  I mean, we have to carry our weight as fans.  We need the two points.  Heh.

I don’t know if I’ll boo them.  I’m just going to feel it out.

Back to Biznatch

1. I can’t buh-LIEVE that tomorrow is free agency. Last year at this time we were in full blown hysteria. Like, SUPER cranky, swirly-eyed, rocking back and forth while muttering incoherently, H-Y-S-T-E-R-I-A. Ah, the good old days.

2. Crunchy’s BFF, John Michael Liles re-signed in Colorado. Bummer. I wanted him for the Sabres.

3. Tampa Bay is gobbling up the negotiating rights to everyone and their mother. WWGRD? Sign in Tampa.

4. Max is still a Sabre. What the hell? Don’t we have, like, forty-five million forwards? My only consolation is that ever since my friend Nathan planted the seed of a new superstition, I’ve become convinced that it’s bad luck not to have a Russian on an NHL team. With Gentle Kalinin on his merry droopy way, Max is the only Russian we’ve got left.

5. I’m not sure where this information originated, but I keep reading online that Goose and Crunchy are vacationing together in Europe. I hope they are backpacking and keeping detailed journals full of poetry and love letters to the college girls they met on the train. It’s life experiences like this that turn boys into men. I hope they both “find themselves” in Europe, and after they do, I hope they come back to Buffalo and sign new contracts with the Sabres. I bet if Drury and Briere had gone backpacking through Europe together last June, they would’ve come home with matching “5 for 25” tattoos and they’d still be Sabres now.

6. Brian Campbell is still Brian Campbell. I’m so glad we traded him so we don’t have to care about his current emotional drama regarding his upcoming free agency. I’m actually a fairly sensitive gal myself. I’m willing to bet I would get all tied-up in emotional knots about free agency too if I were in Soupy’s place, but duuuude, I really really really do NOT think I would have the cojones to whine about my “predicament” in public. I can’t wait to see where he ends up tomorrow, though. After all of this build-up about money and wanting to be close to his family, I’ll be pretty disappointed if the contract is at all reasonable. I kind of secretly want Soupy to sign a 3-year $83 million dollar contract in the Russian Super Duper League, or something. Then, I want to giggle when he cries in public about how hard it was for him to make the decision to move to Minsk.

7. Last year, on July 1st, I sat on the couch literally all day listening to WGR and hitting refresh over and over on my computer while hanging out at IPB. I had one of those evenings where I suddenly realized I was sitting in a pitch dark room because the sun had set on the day without me noticing. I do not anticipate that level of participation in free agency ’08.

Oh My Hockey Gods

Scene: Katebits is sitting on a cloud, surrounded by many huge, ethereal beings.

Katebits: Hey, Hockey Gods.
God of Penalty Kills: (with low, booming voice) Hello, Katebits. How are you?
Katebits: (sullenly) Not very good, frankly.
God of Icing: What’s wrong?
Katebits: It’s these playoffs! They’re making me cranky!
God of Icing: Why?
Katebits: (crossly) All I want is for Soupy’s team to be eliminated because of some ill-advised spinoramas! Is that too much to ask? Instead of the Sharks losing, Soupy scores the come-from-behind, game-tying goal? That SUCKED. This SUCKS. You guys aren’t DOING this right. Why are the FLYERS still playing?! IF THE SHARKS AREN’T ELIMINATED IN THEIR NEXT GAME, I WILL FREAK OUT. DO YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL FREAK OUT!
God of Thunderous Illegal Hits: (thunderously) SILENCE! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE HOCKEY GODS?

(descending upon Katebits in a swirl of dark mist)

Katebits: (terrified) I’m..I’m so sorry! Please forgive me!
God of Referees: (blowing a whistle and standing between Katebits and the God of Illegal Hits) Chill out, Clyde. She’s in a vulnerable position right now. You can’t attack her.
God of Thunderous Illegal Hits: FINE…….BUT YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, REF!
God of Referees: (Blows whistle and points emphatically) That’s it! You’re out of here!

(God of Thunderous Illegal Hits slinks away into the big dressing room in the sky)

God of Schadenfreude: Ha! That guy is such a douchebag! I love it when he gets ejected for being a tool.
God of Canadian National Anthem: (singing) O, Kaaa-aate Bits! You are so verr-rry sad! Hoooow can we heeeeeelp? It’s rea-lly not that baaaaad!
Katebits: Yes it is! It’s bad enough that the Sabres didn’t even make the playoffs, but now all the EX-Sabres are being all heroic. Argh! If I hear one more word about Marty Biron being a legitimate candidate for the Conn Smythe, I’m going to scream. (wailing) It’s TORTURE.
God of Poke Checks: Katebits, I think you are failing to remember all the things you like about hockey. You’re too worked up about certain teams and players. What about poke checks? You love a good poke check!
Katebits: (sniffling) Well….that’s true, I suppose. I do love poke checks. Marty Turco has been on fire with those lately.
God of Faceoffs: And clean faceoff wins! Who doesn’t love those?
Katebits: (smiling) You’d have to me dead not to appreciate a nice clean faceoff win.
God of High Ankle Sprains: Listen, you need to chill out because it could really be a lot worse than this. Don’t make us show you how much worse it could be.
God of Sports Hernias: Seriously. Quit your whining, Katebits, or I’ll give you something to whine about.
Katebits: You’re right. I’m sorry. I won’t question your plan, Hockey Gods. I’ll be chill.
God of Playoff Goggles: Just try to focus on the stuff you DO like. Like Chris Osgood! He’s your nerdy playoff boyfriend!
Katebits: Okay, I’ll try.
God of Overtime: At least in the playoffs there are no more third points or shootouts.
Katebits: True. But there are also no Sabres
God of Players Wandering Around Shirtless in the Background of Locker Room Interviews: Listen, if you can’t make your own fun Katebits, that’s your problem. We’re giving you plenty to work with here.
Katebits: You are absolutely right.
God of Green Gatorade Bottles: And stay hydrated! You’re looking a little parched. (turning to the God sitting next to him) Does she look like she needs more electrolytes to you?
God of Impending Free Agency: (putting hand over the cell phone he is holding to his ear) I can’t talk right now….I’ve got Ryan Miller on the phone.
Katebits: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (leaps off of cloud in despair)
God of Impending Free Agency: What’s her problem? I was just reminding Crunchy that he should sign an extension this summer if he wants to avoid the drama. I was just doing my job by making sure he was aware of all his options!
God of Schadenfreude: (glancing over the edge of the cloud) Heh. Katebits is such a spaz. I don’t think she’ll ever learn. Heh heh heh.

End Scene

The New New NHL

Ryan Miller and Brian Campbell were both named to the NHL Competitions Committee today. Hopefully these appointments will lead to lots of conversations like this:

Soupy: I have an idea for a new rule. Get this. (long pause) Are you ready? (Crunchy gives Soupy a partial death glare) You can……….only…..spin-o-rama………… (dramatically long pause)……overtheblueline. (Throws hands into air in gesture of supreme triumph)
Crunchy: (with squinty eyes) Wait. You can’t spin-o-rama anywhere else on the ice?
Soupy: Good GOD, no! That’s not what I meant! You can ALWAYS spin-o-rama! Geez! Why pass on an opportunity to spin when skating in a straight line will do? No, I meant, when you cross the blue line, you HAVE to spin-o-rama.
Crunchy: Going in or out?
Soupy: Both
Crunchy: Does everyone have to spin-o-rama, or just the puck carrier?
Soupy: Everyone.

(Both guys pause to visualize this rule change.)

Crunchy: I don’t think it’s a good idea.
Soupy: Well, you’re wrong.
Crunchy: Well, you’re drunk, so I win. I have an idea for a new rule too.
Soupy. (rolling his eyes) Lemme guess, you want to make the nets smaller.
Crunchy: (excitedly) I want to make the nets tiny. The nets should only be twice the width of the goalie’s hips. That way, scoring is reduced, AND goalies are encouraged to stay slender.
Soupy: (Obviously not paying attention to Crunchy’s idea.) What if we put the nets in the middle of the ice, back-to-back, facing out? (Tapping index finger on chin while staring dramatically into the distance) IMAGINE all the spinning I could do….
Crunchy: (exasperated) That’s dumb.
Soupy: (using air quotes) “YOU’RE” “dumb”
Crunchy: (shaking head in disgust) That’s it, my boy. You’ve just lost your air quotes privileges.
Soupy: (distraught) (using very small, sad air quotes) “Rats.”

End Scene


The following is a direct transcript of my thought process during the Red Wings game tonight:

“What is WRONG with them? They’re skating in circles! Every time they get the puck, they just fling it towards their offensive zone and then the Wings pick it up and skate it back. They are so disorganized! What the HELL? Why doesn’t one of them SKATE THE PUCK into the Red Wing zone? This game blows. I hate the Sabres. What this team needs is for one of the DEFENCEMAN to CARRY the puck into the OFFENSIVE ZONE. How is it that they are suddenly incapable of getting this done? (Long pause while the wheels in my brain slowly turn.) Heeeey, wait a minute. Is THAT what Soupy did? Oh, fuuuuck. All I ever noticed Soupy doing was turning the puck over behind the net!”

I like to trade annoying, sweaty puck-moving defensemen first, and ask questions later. Oopsies.

Thank GOD It’s Over!


Okay, I know that this is really sad news for some people, and I respect that, I really do, but the mood here at TWC headquarters is celebratory. Extremely.

Here’s the new guy. He’s got a cool nickname! Big Bear! Right now on the radio they are comparing him to Goose, which is making me feel a little nervous. GOOSE IS IRREPLACEABLE, DARCY. This kid is NO GOOSE.

He is, however, a Sabre! HOOOOORAY! I guess this is kind of a tough break for Steve Bernier. San Jose to Buffalo is, um, not a super awesome move. Too bad, kiddo. The good news for you, Big Bear, is that we will make you a star. You’ll be a king in Buffalo. A KING I tell you! Welcome to Buffalo, NY.

Sabres vs. Flyers 2/25/08


Mood: Worried.
Favorite Sabre: I am highly concerned about Brian Campbell’s willingness to seriously participate in this game. In order to encourage at least one more night of his loyalty to the slug, I am naming him my current Favorite Sabre. That’s right, Soupy. We are nothing without you. Nothing.
Least Favorite Sabre: Ales Kotalik. I don’t even mean this. I totally like Ales. That was a heartbreaking mistake against the Rangers. I’m all nervous tonight. I’m saying and doing things I don’t mean.
Animal representing my hopes for this game: One small felt owl

I’m concerned. Highly.

Prediction: I don’t have a good feeling about this one. I’m sorry, but as delightful as their run has been, Philly is just not going to lose forever. They might suck, but even the suckiest Suckersons win one occasionally. I think the atmosphere at the arena is going to be weird. Everyone is all confused about who is who, and which team who plays for. Plus, the game is on Versus. Ew.

After the 1st (3-2, Sabres)

Mood: 1.Happy 2. Joyful 3. Elated 4. Annoyed 5.Suicidal
Favorite Sabre: Myself. I’m not sure you guys realize how much impact I have on the play of Derek Roy. Derek Roy is on my fantasy hockey team, The Fancy Bits. On the evening he returned to the Sabres lineup after his shoulder injury, I forgot to take him off of the F-Bit bench. He went on to score, like 45 goals that night. Wonderful for the Sabres, frustrating for the F-Bits. Every since then, I have kept Roy-Z on the bench, only playing him he is literally my only center playing a game. So, basically, my fine F-Bit managing skillz are directly responsible for Roy-Z’s fine play of late. You’re welcome.
Least Favorite Sabre: Danny Briere. I’m sorry to report that Danny seems to be playing for the Philadelphia Flyers tonight. Whaaa? When did THAT happen? Danny Briere is, like, the worst Sabre ever!
Animal representing my hopes for this game: Large metal owl

My hope is not pretty, but if necessary, it will peck your fucking eyes RIGHT out.

Prediction: I dare not say a word.

After the 2nd (3-2, Sabres)

Mood: This game feels angry and pissy and no fun.
Favorite Sabre: I dunno. I hate them all.
Least Favorite Sabre: I dunno. I love them all.
Animal representing my hopes for this game:
Scary owl

My hope is starting to freak me out. Look at it. Yikes.
Prediction: Well, someone is going to win, and someone is going to lose.
After the 3rd (3-3)
Mood: Grim
At the end (4-3, Flyers)
Mood: Dejected
Favorite Sabre: Whoever we get for Soupy
Animal Representing my hopes for the season:
From whence it came. Only way worse.
Summary of thoughts: I did not enjoy that. That was supremely unpleasant.

The Deadline Looms

I’m not going to lie. I’m going to be a little peeved if Soupy is still a Sabre tomorrow on Tuesday. (It has come to my attention that the trade deadline is on Tuesday, not tomorrow. My bad. It’s this attention to detail that makes mine such a vital voice in the hockey blogosphere.)

I wish him well, and all the happiness in the world. This is his chance to cash in on all his years of hard work, and I do not begrudge him that. I just don’t think the Sabres should be the team to fork over the cash, and if Darcy can grab few tasty prospects by trading Soupy, well, then that’s what I think he should do.

Mmmm…..tasty prospects…

Buffalo, I’m Proud Of Us.

For some reason, against my better judgment, about an hour and a half ago, I turned on WGR. For those of you outside of Buffalo, WGR is our sports talk radio station. Usually, WGR makes me want to kill myself because it’s incredibly angry and insane. I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to listen to the radio during the peak of the Brian Campbell intrigue. You’d think that the hours upon hours I spent listening to people freak out about the Briere and Drury last summer would have taught me to JUST SAY NO when it comes to WGR, but apparently not.

I just listened to caller after caller express concern about signing Brian Campbell at the expense of the upcoming free agents. A very high percentage of people who called in seem to believe that Soupy’s value to the Sabres is highest as trade bait. People are keeping their heads! They are listening to reason! Schopp and the Bulldog are NOT having temper tantrums. They are calmly adding up the numbers and deducing that if we sign Soupy to what he wants, the team will be committing too much money to too few players. Even Schoop was amazed at the tone of the calls.

I….don’t understand. Buffalo, where is the loony-tunes outrage? Where are the over-the-top accusations of management skin-flintery and incompetence?

Where’s the craaaaazy, Buffalo?

Intervention: Brian Campbell

Scene: Katebits and HeatherB. are sitting in folding chairs, facing Brian Campbell who is sitting directly opposite them.

Katebits: Brian, I think you know why we’ve called you here today.

Brian Campbell: (nervously) No, I don’t. Why are you calling me “Brian”? You always call me Soupy. What’s going on?

HeatherB: (gently) Brian, you know exactly what’s going on.

Brian: (laughing derisively) No, Heather, I do NOT know what’s going on.

(Katebits and HeatherB. exchange a meaningful glance.)

Katebits: Brian, this is an intervention. We’ve called you here today because we believe that you are in real trouble, and need help.

Brian: (loudly) What are you talking about?! Why are you calling me Brian?

Katebits: Brian, calm down. We have a few things to say to you. Please. Sit.

(Brian sits reluctantly. Katebits unfolds a piece of paper.)

Katebits: Brian, Heather and I have both prepared some things we think you need to hear. I would like to read my statement to you now. (Katebits takes a deep breath and begins reading from the piece of paper.) Brian, I have recently realized that my dislike of your style of play has been making it less enjoyable to watch the Sabres games. I hate when you screw up defensively, and I resent when you produce offensively. The situation cannot continue. You are, after all, still a Sabre, and I am, now and forever, a Sabres fan. I believe that with a few small changes, you and I can again enjoy a healthy fan/Sabre relationship.

Brian: What?! I don’t have to listen to this! WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME BRIAN?

Katebits: Brian, please. Just let me get through this.

Brian: Fine.

Katebits: Thank you for listening, Brian. (continues reading from the piece of paper). First of all, you need to either sign a contract for a reasonable amount of money, or you need to start playing like a giant contract is on the line. You can’t both hold out, and suck defensively. It’s unbecoming. Secondly, you must never utter the words, “My value goes up every month,” again. In exchange for these small changes in your attitude, I will try to be reasonable and stop blaming you for things that occur when you are not even on the ice.

Brian: (lip quivering) I…I…don’t know what to say. I had no idea you felt this way.

Katebits: Heather? I believe you have something you would also like to tell Brian?

HeatherB: (unfolds a piece of paper and begins reading) Brian, I have given this some real thought. There is only one thing you can do to win me back. You must grow a beard and keep it year round. I can’t continue to watch you throw your life away like this. Please. Listen to reason.

(Brian Campbell is sobbing)

Brian: I’m so sorry! I had no idea! I’ll do everything you ask! I’ll stop handing the puck over in my own defensive zone. I’ll grow the beard, I promise!

(Katebits puts her arms around Brian.)

Katebits: There, there, Soupy. It’s going to be alright. You’re going to be okay from now on. Heather and I are here for you if you ever need to talk. Just stop bitching about your contract and playing like shit, okay? And remember to fluff your hair up periodically. When your hair is dry, it’s actually very attractive.

HeatherB: Now, get out there are win us some hockey games, okay Soupy? While you’re at it, go sign that totally reasonable contract Darcy has been asking you to sign.

Brian: You got it guys! (Soupy begins to leave the room)

HeatherB: Oh, Soupy. Could you tell Timmy we need to speak to him please….

End Scene

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