Two Things

1. My love for Jason Smith is dead. As soon as we traded for Rivet I knew that the Gator dream was over. Whatevs. He would have been fun to have around, but he’s a stinky Senator now. He’s slow and old. That’s just what I heard.

2. (alix, please turn away)

Steve Bernier got signed to an offer sheet.

AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I really hope that back on July 2nd, the Blues initially called Darcy and were like “Yo, we’re thinking about giving Big Bear a 2.5 million dollar offer sheet. What do you think of that?” And then Darcy was all, “Tell you what, let me trade him to the Canucks first. Then you can screw them over, which I know you want to do.” And then the Blues were like, “Word.” And then Darcy and the Blues dude high-fived and cackled evilly.

Jason Smith Evaluates the Sabres

Dudes. Settle down. Is Brooks Orpik really that big a deal? Personally, I think not.

Look, I wish we had signed some sexy D during the opening of free agency too, but we know that’s not Darcy’s style. He’s told us this repeatedly.

Let’s all take a deep breath and concentrate on more pleasant matters, namely, Jason Smith. WGR is reporting that Jason Smith’s agent has had preliminary talks with the Sabres. Now, “preliminary talks” could mean almost anything, so I think it would be best if we all kept our pants on until further notice, but the WGR article contained one highly interesting tidbit.

“Breeze [Smith’s agent] told WGR that Smith has a nine-point criteria for deciding where to sign.”

He has a nine point system, you guys! I love a man with a plan!

As luck would have it, TWC has obtained exclusive rights to Jason Smith’s Patented Nine Point System For Choosing An NHL Team. Please join me in analyzing where Buffalo’s chances of signing Smith stand once the team and city has been through his rigorous nine-point system.

Jason Smith’s Patented Nine-Point System For Choosing An NHL Team:

Point the First: Is the team any good?

Well, define “good”, Mr. Smith. The Sabres can be and often are, quite good. Sometimes they suck though too. They really need some reliable stay-at-home defense, and they need some veteran leadership- which is where you come in. This might be a situation where a guy like you could come in and wind up getting WAY more credit than you probably deserve for turning the team around and getting them back on track. So yes, I have to say that the team IS pretty good, but there is lots of room for improvement. Buffalo’s score: 3 out of 5 chicken wings

Point the Second: Does the city have a major symphony orchestra with many foxy musicians?

We totally have that. Buffalo’s score: 5 out of 5 chicken wings

Point the Third: Can I afford a foxy house in this city?

Dude. On an NHLer’s salary you can buy the foxiest house in all the land. Buffalo has great houses and they are, in comparison to other NHL cities, dirt cheap. Buffalo’s score: 4 out of 5 chicken wings

Point the Fourth: How much of my life will be wasted in traffic jams?

NONE! None of your life will be wasted in traffic jams if you move to Buffalo! Urban flight and economic despair have their advantages, Mr. Smith! Buffalo’s score: 5 out of 5 chicken wing

Point the Fifth: I’m a low key guy. I like to mind my own business. Does this city allow for privacy?

Um, no. Upon arrival in Buffalo, all NHL players are required to turn over all financial statements, personal journals (including the ones from your most embarrassing adolescence), and all existing health records. Every man, woman, and child in Buffalo will recognize you and blog about your every move around town. Furthermore, every time you enter a grocery store or pick up your kid from school, we’re going to “chirp” at you about the power play. The good news is that we are, for the most part, pretty nice. Buffalo’s score: 2 out of 5 chicken wings

Point the Sixth: Does the coach of this team have yellow hair?

Lindy Ruff has the yellowest hair in the business. You will not find a more yellow-haired coach in the NHL. Buffalo’s score: 5 out of 5 chicken wings

Point the Seventh: Will my wife like it there?

Yes. She will. Unless she is lame. Buffalo’s score: 5 out of 5 chicken wings, unless Jason Smith’s wife is lame, in which case 0 out of 5 chicken wings.

Point the Eighth: I’ve always dreamed of signing a contract for 5 years/$25 million. Can I do that here?

No. First of all, you’re too old and slow for that contract. Secondly, no one around here is even sure if the mythical “5 for 25” actually exists. Rumors of its existence have been floating around since January ’07, but no one has ever actually seen it, much less applied it to an actual Sabres contract. If you want more information on this confusing topic, you’ll have to consult Buffalo’s 5-for-25iologist, Bucky Gleason. Buffalo’s score: 0 out of 5 chicken wings

Point the Ninth: Will the fanbase appreciate my quiet, hard working vibe?

Will we appreciate it? We practically burned the city to the ground when Chris Drury bolted! Not only will we appreciate it, we will fall madly in love with it and hold it tight to our collective bosom. No quiet, hard working vibe shall ever be under-appreciated by the citizenry of Buffalo, NY. Buffalo’s score: 5 out of 5 chicken wings

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The Buffalo Sabres scored 34 out of 45 possible chicken wings using Jason Smith’s nine-point system (29 out of 45 if his wife is lame). This is actually a very high score, and the Sabres organization should feel encouraged by the results. Also, while it is not a calculable factor in the nine-point evaluation system, I think that the fact that Jason Smith uses chicken wings as his standard unit of measurement bodes very well for his future with the Buffalo Sabres.