Every once in awhile, in a desperate attempt to find inspiration, I start nosing around in my blog draft pile. Most of the abandoned posts in my draft pile are there for a reason. They’re unfinished, or unfunny, or just all-around lame- but every once in awhile, I find a post that has somehow aged well. Some bad blog posts are like a fine wine, I guess. For whatever reason, I didn’t like this post enough to publish it when I wrote it, but with a little distance, I find it amusing.
The date on the draft of this post is November 18, 2008. I don’t remember anything happening last season with the Bills that was so dramatically awful that it deserved this treatment, but I think this post corresponds with the Monday Night game against Cleveland. Seriously, I can’t believe I was this dramatic about it.
There is certainly nothing dramatically bad occurring with the Bills right now (other than extreme pre-season suck), and yet, this post seems somehow appropriate. I think this kind of borderline-condescending, pathetic sympathy is just funnier when there is nothing actually bad going on.
Side note: I can’t BELIEVE that Trent Edwards still has this haircut. Honestly, that is some misguided shit, right there.
So, without further ado, here is a blog post originally titled “The Bills Are Suckers, and You’re Too Good For Them”
The Bills Are Suckers, And You’re Too Good For Them, By Kate Bitz
One of the things I think I am good at is helping people through a rough emotional patch. Like, if your boyfriend or girlfriend turns out to be a sucker, I’d probably be a good person to call when you want to cry, drink, bitch, or be told you’re too good for him/her. If you want to be indulged in some old fashioned “He was the loooove of my life” style wailing, or just be distracted for the evening, I’m your girl. If you want to cry, I can handle it. If you want to be distracted, I’m willing to be a clown in order to make you laugh. If you want to be unreasonable, I will encourage your outrage until it stops being cathartic, and then I will help to calm you back down. I will indulge you in almost anything just so that you can get from one minute to the next until the pain is not so acute.
So, Bills fans, I say this next thing with love in my heart. I say this as someone who is looking at this situation from the outside, and as someone who has your best interests in mind. There are many things I will allow you to say and do today. You’ve had a really, really rough day, and you deserve to be pissed, depressed, and sad. You’ve earned the right to wallow. You are free to throw temper tantrums, and cry and carry on in all manner of undignified ways, but there is one thing (just one) that I will not indulge.
God does not hate Buffalo, and Buffalo is not cursed. That is hogwash and I won’t stand for it.
Now, let’s go get drunk, hit on bartenders, and cry until we laugh. Come on.