KFS II, Attempting to Right What Once Went Wrong: Jochen Hecht

Alright, this is going to be a controversial one.

Last year I was all over the map with Jochen in the KFS competition.  First I eliminated him with nary a thought or care, then I reinstated him thinking that he might be The One, and then I eliminated him again when I realized he was (at the time) unsigned beyond the season.  After a full year of watching Yo-Yo, I feel I am finally in a postition to make an informed and fair ruling on his status as Kate’s Potential Favorite Sabre.  As you read this, please know that I respect and admire Jochen Hecht very much.  I wish only the very best for him and his family, and I would never treat an actual human being the way I am about to suggest is the proper way to treat Jochen Hecht.

Let’s begin….

Jochen Hecht is obviously a valuable member of the Sabres.  He’s hardworking, reliable, very handsome, and downright captainly.  He’s also signed as a Sabre for a goodly amount of time (“goodly” being some unit of years that I am too lazy to look up right now).  There is literally nothing not to like about Jochen Hecht.  He should be a front runner in Kate’s Favorite Sabre Competition….but sadly, he is not.

It is my theory that Jochen Hecht was born to be taken for granted.  I don’t have any overwhelming feelings of affection for Yo-Yo, and yet, if he were suddenly gone, I would be devastated.  He falls firmly into that “you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone” category, but the thing is, he’s not gone and he won’t be gone for quite some time, so it’s my feeling that we should just go right ahead and take him for granted.

Jochen Hecht is the guy you call when your asshole boyfriend did something lame.  Jochen will come over, he’ll bring take-out, and he’ll patiently sit on the couch listening to you whine and cry over another guy.  He’s the guy you call to get up on a ladder and get the dead bird out of your rain gutter because the task is too gross and scary to do yourself.  He’s the guy you ask to feed your cat while you’re weekending in Niagara On The Lake with Paul Gaustad.  Jochen Hecht is the guy you don’t want to date yourself, but who you don’t want dating anyone else either.

He never complains, he always does what you ask, and you love him for it….but he is not your Favorite Sabre.  We take Yo-Yo for granted because that is all he requires.  Someday, Jochen is going to have a gorgeous, smart, hilarious woman to call his biggest fan, and when that day comes our hearts will break because we will suddenly realize we loved him all along, but it will be too late.  We’ll pout and carry-on like complete assholes, but in the end we’ll begrudgingly admit that he’s way too good for us and he always was.

But for now, we frequently, knowingly, and happily take him for granted.  That is how it must be.

KFS II, Attempting to Right What Once Went Wrong: Drew Stafford

Poor Angry Eyebrows!  He never really had a chance.  Last year at this time we were expecting him to be the new CHRIS DRURY for goodness sake.  Everyone was freaking out about how Drew Stafford was clearly our future captain and savior.  We expected too much, and the poor dude cracked under the pressure.

Obviously things didn’t work out very well for old Staffy last season.  When he wasn’t injured he was skating around listlessly, invisible except for when Lindy was singling him out for his suckiness.  I believe my main complaint about him at this time last year was that he seemed “cocky”.  I was terribly wrong about that.  Drew Stafford really does not seem cocky at all.  In fact, he seems quite the opposite.  I’m worried about his mental health and his emotional well being.  Staffy is making me feel all maternal and protective.

This season I pledge to be as patient and supportive of Drew Stafford as possible.  With tender love and firm guidance we can rehabilitate him.  All is not lost in Staffy’s case.  If we can stop the cycle of low self-esteem leading to lackluster performance, there is still time to turn him into an effective NHL player.  He’s far (far) from my favorite, but I still believe in him.

You can do it big guy!  *two big thumbs up and a wide (possibly fake) smile*

KFS II, Attempting to Right What Once Went Wrong: Max Afinogenov

I have a confession to make: Last year, even when I chose him as KFS, I knew full well that Max was not my real Favorite Sabre.  I basically chose him because while my affection for him is real, I knew he could be easily discarded once my true Favorite Sabre revealed himself.  Keep in mind that at this time last year I could barely tell the Sabres apart much less aptly choose my favorite.  I knew full well that he wasn’t the one, but I chose him anyway.  For this I owe him an apology.  Max, I used you and then I discarded you like a cheap piece of meat.  My bad.

In the interest in fairness, it’s time to put Max in the proper place on the scale of Kate’s Favorite Sabre.

The thing I find most interesting about my affections for Max is that they run so extremely hot and cold.  I mean, when he’s sucking (which let’s face it was nearly every second of last season) I’m likely to blame him for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.  I blame him for every loss, I assume every offside he creates prevented a goal, I squawk at the television that he should be sent to Siberia to work in the salt mines during the day and at night he should be forced to write letters of apology to all the innocent Buffalonians whose lives have been ruined by lurchy skating and his haphazard stick handling.  When I hate Max, I hate him passionately, with the burning passion of ten million white hot passionate suns and all the passion that a passionate person can passionately feel.

But

When I like Max, he makes me laugh, which is really the highest compliment I can pay to a person I don’t know personally. Usually great hockey playing is exciting or astounding, and I suppose Max at his best is both of those things, but mostly I think he’s entertaining in a very gleeful way.  He’s funny to me, not in a laughing at him kind of way (there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING funny about Max at his worst) but more in a laughing-at-the-glorious-existence-of-such-an-absurd-skater kind of way.  I can’t think of any other player in the entire league whose best playing inspires me to giggle happily.  I really like this about Max and I pray to Lindy Ruff that this season he’ll give me less reason to throw my borscht at the television in sputtering rage and more reason to chuckle with appreciation.

Max is kind of a hard guy to rank on the scale of Sabres because I either love him or hate him- there is no in between.  I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that this year he’ll balance out the Infuriating Max with a little more Funny Max, and put him right in the middle of the pack, in the Hank Tallinder/Drew Stafford range.  He also gets many style points for having a cool girlfriend and for somehow maintaining an air of mystery and intrigue (possibly a Russian spy).

Oh, and he looks like Faye Dunaway.  Thumbs up there.

Her?

(This post is part of a series in which I am picking the Sabre most deserving of the title “Kate’s Favorite Sabre II”.  The competition is stiff.  The traits necessary to win are impossible to predict.  Anything could happen!  Every Sabre is a hero, but in the end, there can be only one.  Last year the “one” was Max Afinogenov, so you can assume this whole exercise is deeply flawed/possibly corrupt.)

Last year when I was running this competition I didn’t have very much information to work with beyond roster photos.  At the time I had seen maaaybe twenty hockey games in my life. Comparatively, I’m now a hockey expert.  This morning, armed with a new confidence in my ability to reasonably grade professional hockey players, I eagerly headed to the Sabres website.  “Time to reacquaint myself with the cast of characters and enjoy my new (and hopefully intimidating) depth of Sabres knowledge,” I thought.  I got quite a shock.

There are, like, 5 million guys on the Sabres roster right now.

Darcy Regier has been signing dudes right and left all summer.  I paid little or no attention to these guys because I assumed they were all headed straight for Portland and my already overtaxed walnut-sized brain has no room for non-NHL hockey.  Apparently, these recent acquisitions are current Sabres.

I don’t have the time for this bullhonky, so the following Sabres are cut from the competition because I have no idea who they are:

Jimmy Bonneau, Tyler Bouck, Mathieu Darch, Colton Fretter, Colin Murphy, Felix Schutz, Derek Whitmore, Chris Butler, Michael Kostka, and Dennis Persson.

Never heard of him.

Listen, I’m a supportive and understanding person, but this is unacceptable.  It’s like they’re not even trying to be Kate’s Favorite Sabre.   I’m sorry to be to be so unwelcoming to the new kids, but HONESTLY, if you’re going to be someone I’ve never heard of you’d better also be really funny, or at the very least have a working knowledge of the viola and viola related issues.  Since these guys are neither funny or holding violas, I have no choice but to eliminate them from consideration for KFS.

Katebits: (stands up to approach the contestants) (voice dripping with false sincerity) I’m sorry, that means that you’re out.  (*kiss kiss*)  Auf wiedersehen!