Kate: I think the Sabres are trying to get Lindy fired.
Heather: I hate those little bastards.
Kate: Yeah, but you have to admit, this team needs a shake-up. Either the players or the coach has to go, right?
Heather: I HATE that it’s come to this. This is the WORST season ever.
Heather: I don’t think Darcy would ever fire Lindy.
Kate: Well, then Darcy has to go too.
Heather: That’s AWFUL. I LOVE Darcy.
Kate: I know you do, but I’m sorry both Lindy and Darcy have to go.
Heather: What if they’re only gone temporarily? We tell the Sabres, ‘You’ve lost your Darcy and Lindy privileges for the rest of the season!”
Kate: I’m not sure that’s enough. The Sabres have to think they’re GONE, and that it’s ALL their fault. They need to feel really, really guilty.
Heather: But could we TRICK the Sabres into thinking that Darcy and Lindy are gone forever?
Schnookie: Maybe Lindy and Darcy should fake their own deaths.
Kate: Oooooh. I like it. Maybe a murder-suicide…..and maybe they could leave a note like, “Dear Sabres, look what you did! You drove us to kill ourselves and each other!”
Heather: ….What? That makes no sense.
Kate: Who cares! It’s the Sabres, they’re not very smart. These deaths don’t have to add up. We just need the Sabres to think they have Lindy’s blood on their hands.
Heather: Oh, Pominville would HATE to have Lindy’s blood on his hands.
Kate: He totally would.
Heather: All of the players would be wracked with guilt, and then with Lindy and Darcy “dead,” I can be the GM and you can be the coach.
Kate: THAT IS SUCH A GOOD IDEA!
Heather: I like how this plan is coming together.
Kate: Me too. So….we send Lindy and Darcy off to Europe to live in secrecy, tell the Sabres they’ve been murdered, and take control of the team.
Heather: Do you think the Sabres would really buy it?
Kate: Of course. They’re idiots.
Heather: Maybe we should get a hair sample from Lindy first. You know to leave at the scene of the crime. DNA evidence to prove he’s dead. Maybe a finger or two…
Kate: I’m sure that Lindy would sacrifice a pinky for “Operation: Freak the Sabres the Eff Out.”
Heather: Heh. He totally would. If we can’t get his hair we can just use yellow baby duck fuzz follicles. We only have to fool the Sabres here. Pominville and Staffy would TOTALLY think little tufts of baby duck fuzz is proof of Lindy’s death.
Kate: Then, we could plant the seed that WE killed Lindy and Darcy, and if the Sabres don’t shape up, THEY’RE NEXT.
Heather: I honestly think that that might be the only way to make them stick to the system- if they think they’ll literally die if they don’t.
Kate: I bet Pommerdoodle would have cleared that puck on Saturday if he had thought his life was on the line.
Heather: It’s foolproof!
Kate: Crunchy would probably get all uppity about “solving the mystery”.
Heather: Ugh. That guy can’t just let ANYTHING be.
Kate: But maybe solving the mystery can be the thing that brings the team together! They can solve the crime, prove we killed Lindy and Darcy and then learn that in order to win games they have to work together.
Heather: Ooh! Ooh! I HAVE A REALLY GOOD IDEA! What if, we “accidentally” left a book called “The System: Lindy Ruff’s Guide to Solving a Murder,” sitting around in the locker room for the guys to find?
Kate: So, they would find the book, read it, and then SOLVE LINDY’S MURDER BY STICKING TO THE SYSTEM?!
Heather: It’s PERFECT!
Kate: Can Lindy’s “system” for solving murders be oddly similar to his “system” for playing hockey?
Kate: Like, ‘Step one to solving a murder: with three second to go in a game, make SURE to hit the puck hard enough off the boards to CLEAR THE ZONE.’
Heather: We can plant more and more fake clues about the murders as they improve their game. If they play a whole game without any disasterous turnovers we can leave a note in Vanek’s locker like, “I am an anonymous tipster moved to help because of the defensively sound game I just watched you play. If you want to know who killed Darcy and Lindy make sure you know who benefited from their deaths. If you keep playing well, I’ll give you more clues.”
Kate: Do you think Vanek is smart enough to solve that clue?
Heather: No way, but presumably he’d show the note to Ryan Miller. Crunchy can figure it out.
Kate: Then, once the Sabres have been whipped into shape by fear of death, and compelled to work together to avenge Lindy and Darcy’s deaths, it can be revealed that Lindy and Darcy are NOT really dead!
Heather: And everyone is happy….and not dead OR fired!
Kate: …and everyone is good at hockey again!
Kate: We’re going to be the best GM and coaching team EVER!