Coach Killing

Kate: I think the Sabres are trying to get Lindy fired.

Heather: I hate those little bastards.

Kate: Yeah, but you have to admit, this team needs a shake-up.  Either the players or the coach has to go, right?

Heather: I HATE that it’s come to this.  This is the WORST season ever.

Kate: Totally.

Heather: I don’t think Darcy would ever fire Lindy.

Kate: Well, then Darcy has to go too.

Heather: That’s AWFUL.  I LOVE Darcy.

Kate: I know you do, but I’m sorry both Lindy and Darcy have to go.

Heather: What if they’re only gone temporarily? We tell the Sabres, ‘You’ve lost your Darcy and Lindy privileges for the rest of the season!”

Kate: I’m not sure that’s enough.  The Sabres have to think they’re GONE, and that it’s ALL their fault.  They need to feel really, really guilty.

Heather: But could we TRICK the Sabres into thinking that Darcy and Lindy are gone forever?

Schnookie: Maybe Lindy and Darcy should fake their own deaths.

Kate: Oooooh.  I like it.  Maybe a murder-suicide…..and maybe they could leave a note like, “Dear Sabres, look what you did!  You drove us to kill ourselves and each other!”

Heather: ….What?  That makes no sense.

Kate: Who cares!  It’s the Sabres, they’re not very smart.  These deaths don’t have to add up.  We just need the Sabres to think they have Lindy’s blood on their hands.

Heather: Oh, Pominville would HATE to have Lindy’s blood on his hands.

Kate: He totally would.

Heather: All of the players would be wracked with guilt, and then with Lindy and Darcy “dead,” I can be the GM and you can be the coach.


Heather: I like how this plan is coming together.

Kate: Me too.  So….we send Lindy and Darcy off to Europe to live in secrecy, tell the Sabres they’ve been murdered, and take control of the team.

Heather: Do you think the Sabres would really buy it?

Kate: Of course.  They’re idiots.

Heather: Maybe we should get a hair sample from Lindy first.  You know to leave at the scene of the crime.  DNA evidence to prove he’s dead.  Maybe a finger or two…

Kate: I’m sure that Lindy would sacrifice a pinky for “Operation: Freak the Sabres the Eff Out.”

Heather: Heh.  He totally would.  If we can’t get his hair we can just use yellow baby duck fuzz follicles.  We only have to fool the Sabres here.  Pominville and Staffy would TOTALLY think little tufts of baby duck fuzz is proof of Lindy’s death.

Kate: Then, we could plant the seed that WE killed Lindy and Darcy, and if the Sabres don’t shape up, THEY’RE NEXT.

Heather: I honestly think that that might be the only way to make them stick to the system- if they think they’ll literally die if they don’t.

Kate: I bet Pommerdoodle would have cleared that puck on Saturday if he had thought his life was on the line.

Heather: It’s foolproof!

Kate: Crunchy would probably get all uppity about “solving the mystery”.

Heather: Ugh.  That guy can’t just let ANYTHING be.

Kate: But maybe solving the mystery can be the thing that brings the team together!  They can solve the crime, prove we killed Lindy and Darcy and then learn that in order to win games they have to work together.

Heather: Ooh! Ooh!  I HAVE A REALLY GOOD IDEA!  What if, we “accidentally” left a book called “The System: Lindy Ruff’s Guide to Solving a Murder,” sitting around in the locker room for the guys to find?

Kate: So, they would find the book, read it, and then SOLVE LINDY’S MURDER BY STICKING TO THE SYSTEM?!

Heather: It’s PERFECT!

Kate: Can Lindy’s “system” for solving murders be oddly similar to his “system” for playing hockey?

Heather: Totally.

Kate: Like, ‘Step one to solving a murder: with three second to go in a game, make SURE to hit the puck hard enough off the boards to CLEAR THE ZONE.’

Heather: We can plant more and more fake clues about the murders as they improve their game.  If they play a whole game without any disasterous turnovers we can leave a note in Vanek’s locker like, “I am an anonymous tipster moved to help because of the defensively sound game I just watched you play.  If you want to know who killed Darcy and Lindy make sure you know who benefited from their deaths. If you keep playing well, I’ll give you more clues.”

Kate: Do you think Vanek is smart enough to solve that clue?

Heather: No way, but presumably he’d show the note to Ryan Miller.  Crunchy can figure it out.

Kate: Then, once the Sabres have been whipped into shape by fear of death, and compelled to work together to avenge Lindy and Darcy’s deaths, it can be revealed that Lindy and Darcy are NOT really dead!

Heather: And everyone is happy….and not dead OR fired!

Kate: …and everyone is good at hockey again!

Heather: Hooray!

Kate: We’re going to be the best GM and coaching team EVER!

*high five*

The End

27 Responses to “Coach Killing”

  1. 1 mcguffers March 16, 2009 at 10:11 pm


    Clearly this is the only solution.

    (and I think this post is going to put you in some pretty funky google search results.)

  2. 2 Schnookie March 16, 2009 at 10:11 pm

    *Long, drawn-out standing ovation, with tons of shouts of “Brava!” and long stem roses raining down on the stage*

    There is NO WAY this plan can fail. NONE.

  3. 3 Sally March 16, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    Sheer brilliance!

    I think us Rangers fans essentially plotted the same thing when we needed to get rid of Renney, only we weren’t as creative.

    I’m also hoping, if he hasn’t already, that Torts is going to start threatening Redden’s life soon. Or maybe he can just offer coke as an incentive.

    Ugh whatever. Don’t you just wish you were a Caps fan sometimes?

  4. 4 Katebits March 16, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    Don’t you just wish you were a Caps fan sometimes?

    Good LORD, NO! Never, Sally! NEVER! :)

    There is NO WAY this plan can fail. NONE.

    I thought you’d say that Schnookie, as the entire dastardly plot was all your idea.

    mcguffers, I didn’t think of the google search implications of this post. Just be glad I left out the part about collecting DNA “fluids” to use as fake evidence.

  5. 5 Erin March 16, 2009 at 10:26 pm

    Hahahahahhaahha! Perfection. This is the kind of creative problem solving the Sabres need.

  6. 6 Pookie March 16, 2009 at 10:32 pm

    Just be glad I left out the part about collecting DNA “fluids” to use as fake evidence.


    Rats, I wonder what will come up now when I search Pomminville + baby duck fuzz + semin?

    Bravissima to the whole post! I can’t wait for this plan to go into action!

  7. 7 Grrrreg March 17, 2009 at 3:36 am

    Ahahaha! I love this post, it was the perfect thing to get a good laugh to start my day, thanks!

    This is exactly what the sabres need… a big real-life cluedo! Just be careful not to traumatize the most easily impressionable sabres. Cluedo is not intended for children under 8.

  8. 8 Frisbee March 17, 2009 at 8:17 am

    Please be kind to the Capitals during this period of time where they feel like getting blown out by Kovalchuk-less Thrashers is a cool thing to do. I’m thinking about similarly abducting Bruuuce for a caper.

    Except it’s totally true that Semin is Scooby Doo in this example.

  9. 9 danielleia March 17, 2009 at 8:41 am

    “Of course. They’re idiots.”

    For serious. What the heck are they doooing? So funny!!!

  10. 10 Meg March 17, 2009 at 10:09 am

    Don’t you just wish you were a Caps fan sometimes?

    Heh. No, not even a little bit. Ever.

    I think it’s safe to say that this is a plan that cannot fail. All it requires is proper execution and I have the utmost faith in both you and Heather.

  11. 11 Caps March 17, 2009 at 10:32 am

    “Step one to solving a murder: with three second to go in a game, make SURE to hit the puck hard enough off the boards to CLEAR THE ZONE.’”


  12. 12 Caps March 17, 2009 at 10:33 am

    File under: Crying, laughing to keep from.

  13. 13 Katebits March 17, 2009 at 10:51 am

    Thanks everyone for liking this post!

  14. 14 lulu March 17, 2009 at 11:27 am

    Brilliant plan and post! Also love the Pommerdoodle reference. New nickname, for sure!

  15. 15 Minissa March 17, 2009 at 11:32 am

    Wow! What a laugh! I love your blog!!

    I think your plan sounds great! Man, I wish we would have thought of it here in Montreal before getting rid of Carbonneau! iiisssshhhh

  16. 16 Jennifer March 17, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    This is the FUNNIEST thing I have ever read. You come up with teh best stuff!

  17. 17 Mike in Idaho March 17, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    Well done, I must show this to my wife who is absolutely fed up with the Sabres!

  18. 18 mcguffers March 17, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Just be glad I left out the part about collecting DNA “fluids” to use as fake evidence.

    Rats, I wonder what will come up now when I search Pomminville + baby duck fuzz + semin?

    I think still would come up first

  19. 19 Red March 17, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    That was totally freaking awesome!

  20. 20 Val March 17, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    Completely hilarious!

  21. 21 Frisbee March 17, 2009 at 7:15 pm

    Whatever you did to the Pommerdoodle seems to have worked! Hurrahh!!!!


  22. 22 Amy March 17, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    This is brilliant. Crunchypedia Brown being the only one intelligent enough to figure out who killed Lindy and Darcy is my favorite part.

  23. 23 JBo March 18, 2009 at 1:56 am

    If Crunchy DOES indeed figure it out, can I take him out to the field and shoot him in the head with a gun? It would make room for Marty to come back…

  24. 24 Aubrey March 28, 2009 at 1:00 am

    I just accidently happened across your blog and spent the next twenty minutes laughing myself silly while half wondering if you could really pull this off. Thanks!!!

  1. 1 » Blog Archive » I got nothin’ for now Trackback on March 17, 2009 at 9:11 am
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