6 Things

1. I can’t believe that just yesterday I was all, “Oh, we should just enjoy hockey at face value.  Everything is wonderful.  Tra la la.  Totally calm about losing.  Peace be with you blah blah.”

I think what I actually meant to say is that the Sabres are TERRIBLE at hockey and that WE SHOULD DEFINITELY BE FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT.

When the highlight of the game is an EXTREMELY ill-advised, come-way-WAY-out-of-the-net-in-a-race-to-the-puck, move by your star goaltender, you know you just saw a game with a massive bullhonky factor.  (But that play was pretty fun. I got the feeling that Crunchy was sort of like, “Oh, fuck this,” right before he decided to go for it.  He was also VERY amusing at the end of the game in his desire to vacate the net for an extra attacker.  He did a lot of exasperated arm waving trying to get Lindy to give him the okay to skate to the bench.  His desperation to get off the ice was comical, because there were still two and a half minutes left in the game at the time. I suspect he just wanted to get off the ice because he was massively annoyed.  Can’t say I blame him.)

2. Tyler Myers.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY?  There was one shift tonight where he somehow managed to turn the puck over, like, a hundred times in a row. He’d get the puck, turn it immediately over, get the puck back, pass it directly to a Blue, get the puck back, trip over nothing, get the puck back… on and on …FOR, LIKE, HALF AN HOUR.

Look, I know he’s young, and young defensemen are supposed to be all erratic and nerve-racking, but honestly, he scared the ever-loving crap out of me tonight.

Someone needs to help him.  I’m not sure who that someone is.  Maybe a priest or a shaman.

3. Vanek and Staffy were poopy tonight, and they were poopy in the Leafs game.  They’re both fired.

4. The water in the women’s bathroom near my section (120) must be flown in from some sort of arctic spring, because it is the COLDEST WATER IN THE EFFING WORLD.

Please, Mr. Pegula.  Can we PLEASE have some non-allllmost freezing water?  I’m not asking for much here.  Tepid will do.

5. I have no idea why I’ve never thought to do this before, but tonight I snuck some chocolate-chip cookies from the Co-op into the arena in my purse.  It was an EXTREMELY good idea.  I can’t tell you how much a delicious cookie hits the spot during a game like that.  I don’t like most of the arena food, and I intend to sneak delicious snacks into the arena for the rest of my life.

Next Wednesday the snack will be Salt and Pepper Pistachios. If the game is terrible again, instead of sitting in your seat, stewing about how hard the Sabres blow, you should come by my section and enjoy some delicious nuts.

6. Before the game got all massively lame (i.e.- before it started) I had a very vivid moment when I imagined what it might be like to sit in the owner’s box on the day I bought the Sabres.  I imagined looking down at the sold out arena, and the team I love standing at attention for the national anthems, and thinking, “This is all mine.”  I really can’t imagine how fun that must be.

I also can’t imagine what it would feel like to watch that game thinking, “This….this…is all mine.”

Heh.  Welcome to Buffalo, Terry Pegula!

Man. Is LeBron James a Douche, Or What?

When I first heard about it, the LeBron James one-hour “DECISION” special didn’t seem like that bad of an idea.  Sure, it was an obnoxious concept from the beginning, but I could also appreciate it for its unabashed hat-tip to show biz.  Sports are, after all, a big silly show.

But as the day wore on yesterday, I began to imagine what it would be like to watch as a Cavs fan, and I got increasingly uneasy.  I should also admit that I believed all along that he was going to choose to return to Cleveland.  I mean, who in their right mind would set up an hour long spectacle in order to shit all over their home town?  It’s one thing to leave for greener pastures, but to go that far out of your way to be a dick on the way out of town?  Surely he had to be picking Cleveland.  Right?

Then I saw the “DECISION SPECIAL,” and it was SO MUCH WORSE than anyone could have possibly predicted.

I mean, that was cold.

I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t already been said better by foxier folks than me, but here are a few thoughts that I can’t stop myself from vocalizing:

– One of the things that reeeeally bothers me about this whole thing is the sneaking suspicion that LeBron James actually thought that the whole world would be excited about this.  I think he thought that we’d all shed our previous allegiances, and become Miami Heat fans.  For some reason, this chills me to the bone.  In addition to being an incredible tool, LeBron James might be bat-shit crazy, you guys.  Crazy like the Joker.  I’m literally afraid of LeBron James now.  The best thing we can assume about him is that he’s empty inside.  The worst is….scarier than empty.

– My favorite point about why his decision is icky is this: Superstars are supposed to compete against each other.  They’re not supposed to call each other on the phone and figure out a way that they can all play on the same team.  It’s just not right.  Imagine if Sidney Crosby and Ovechkin called each other on the phone and were all, “You know, it would be a LOT easier to win Cups if we were playing together instead of competing against one another, don’t you think?”  It’s just. plain. WRONG.

– On the other hand, if LeBron James doesn’t have that crazy competitive drive, that’s fine by me.  Seriously.  That’s okay.  I really think it’s alright to be suuuuuuper good at basketball and also have a normal human disposition.  Surely the same competitiveness that makes Kobe and Jordan and Magic “great” on the court also makes them total dicks in their personal lives.  Normal people have doubts, and not everyone wants to be a leader.  This is perfectly fine.  I actually think it’s kind of sweet.  BUT IF YOU’RE NOT THE GUY, YOU CAN’T TATTOO “CHOSEN 1” ON YOUR BACK AND REFER TO YOURSELF AS KING JAMES.  Everything about that dumb special was presuming that LeBron James is one of the greatest that ever lived, while simultaneously selling a “decision” that made him seem small and insecure. How dumb do you think we are, LeBron James?

There were a few good things that came out of this though:

1. The Cavs owner is cah-razy, and I love it.  I know, I know, he’s stupid and he’s never going to sign another free agent again, and his letter was ridiculous, and he lost ALL credibility when he guaranteed the Cavs would win before LeBron, but still.  In the aftermath of that creepy display of consumerism, it was incredibly refreshing to get a taste of some unadulterated, genuine emotion.  The sad truth is that Gilbert’s lunatic rant felt like the first taste of sanity in a post-LeBron-ESPN-Decision-Special world.  So, now I’m a Cavs fan.

2. We will now have a new way of identifying the truly depraved people of this world.  They will be those wearing Heat jerseys outside of Miami.  I’ve heard a lot of excuses for rooting for the Yankees in Buffalo (“My father rooted for the Yankees, I grew up with them, Buffalo is a losing town I just want to cheer for a winner blah blah blah blah.”), but NO ONE grew up rooting for the Miami Heat.  There is only ONE reason to cheer for the Miami Heat, and that is that you are a GIANT TURD.

3. That ESPN special was so cold, so gross, so narcissistic, so unbelievably disturbing that it felt like a glass of cold water to the face.  It was a wake-up call.  Do not get me wrong, I have NO DOUBT we will ultimately ignore the wake-up call entirely, but I love that everyone in the country is on the same page (the page simply says, “THAT WAS SO FUCKING WRONG”) today.

The disturbing truth is that if LeBron James had said, “I’m sticking with my hometown team, the team I’ve always loved, the Cleveland Cavaliers.  I want to bring a championship to the city where I grew up,” my heart would have swelled with joy, and I would have forgiven LeBron for all the hubris and the narcissism of “The Decision”.  But it would have been wrong of me to forgive him for “The Decision” just because he said the thing I wanted to hear.

I think the ESPN spectacle was more wrong than any decision could have possibly been right.

That horrible sense of self-loathing everyone who watched the special is feeling today?  That’s the guilt-ridden hangover we earned last night.  It’s important.  That hangover is infinitely better than the alternative.  Without this crushing hangover, we might go on, drunk forever on whatever noxious, truly poisonous brew ESPN decides to serve next.

The Real Issue With the Sabres:

I have started approximately 45,000 posts about the end of the Sabres season.  I have a lot to say, but none of it’s very original (fire everyone except Mike Grier, Roy-Z is icky, this is all Lindy’s fault except for the part that is Darcy’s fault, blah blah blah) and it’s all VERY annoying when I see it written out in a post.  I have no idea why, but after almost three years of writing about the Sabres, this week, I’ve been struck dumb, or perhaps more accurately, I’ve been struck silent (the “dumb” part happened years ago).  I don’t really know what to say, and I don’t feel strongly about any of it, so I’m trying to do keep my mouth shut until I’ve got something interesting to say.  Basically, I’m trying not to annoy the interwebs.  You’re welcome, interwebs.

BUT.

You guys may recall that the LAST time I seriously annoyed the interwebs, it was because I WOULD NOT SHUT UP on Twitter about the lack of HD during the Bruins series.  A few of you were all, “I KNOW. THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. WHAT THE EFF,” but a LOT of you were all, “Shut up, Katebits.  We’re trying to enjoy this game and your incessant whining is on our nervies.”  So, in an effort not to lose all of my followers, I tried to buck up, but I would like to point out that ultimately, I was proven RIGHT.

The Sabres played three games in standard def, and they lost ALL THREE.  If I had a Sabres sweatshirt with that kind of devastating record in the playoffs, I would throw it away.   Just saying.

So, I will spare the interwebs my versions of “What what wrong, 09/10” and, “What the Sabres should do next” (for now), but, as God is my witness, I will NEVER quit bitching about how the Sabres and MSG gave their loyal, dedicated, and playoff-starved fans, THREE playoff games in lowly low low def. And I will NEVER stop reminding the world that the Sabres were ultimately punished for treating us this way, with three big fat losses at the hands of the Bruins.

Damn it, I’ll cheer for Roy-Z if I must, but I will never cheer for substandard broadcast feeds.  NEVER!

We all have our demons.  Apparently mine is standard def.