Ryan Miller, Blogging Extraordinaire, Part III

Let’s face it, Crunchy’s blog got a little boring there for awhile. It was all, “Blah blah playoff analysis, blah blah blah goalie pads, blah blah hockey blah blah.” He refuses to talk smack, and I have yet to read a single tell-all tale about a Sabre gone wild. It’s almost as if doesn’t want us to know all of his personal business, or something. I did, however, get a kick out of his response to the fabulous Maal’s question about the possibility of the Sabres signing Crunchy’s BFF, John Michael-Liles this summer. (Liles is a defenseman, currently on the Avs, but he will be a free agent soon.)

“John Michael is free to do as he pleases come July 1, and he would fit in great where we once had Brian Campbell. JM is a great skater and power play guy, just like Brian. We will see. John is in a great position to make a decision for himself and he has earned that right. We will have to wait to see how it plays out. A new coach in Colorado is a factor now.“

Is it just me, or is Crunchy publicly advocating that the Sabres try to get his BFF in free agency? I love it! Sadly, I kind of doubt that Darcy Regier reads Maxim. It’s too bad, because signing Liles seems like a legitimately good idea to me. The Sabres kind of need some better defense, and they REALLY need to keep Ryan Miller happy. Not only would this keep him happy, but it would also, in effect, trap him here. Imagine if Ryan convinces Liles to sign in Buffalo, and then leaves. You can’t leave your BFF marooned in Buffalo alone! It’s just not done. If the Sabres signed Liles, Crunchy would HAVE to re-sign, or risk seriously pissing off his BFF.

I would KILL to have either of my BFFs, Courtney or Ashley, living in Buffalo. In fact, I would happily take a discount on my own salary to make it happen, especially if my salary was in the millions of dollars. I mean, how many millions of dollars do you really need when you have your BFF nearby?

Aww, now I miss Ashley and Courtney.

Later, Aligator

I’m playing a concert instead of watching game 3 live tonight. I’m pretty curious about this game, because if the Penguins have a snowball’s chance in hell of not getting embarrassed in even ONE game, it will be at home, in front of their zany crowd. So, I’m going to DVR the game, and watch it after the concert. I may, or may not do some type of running commentary.

In short, enjoy the game. And, just to even out the cranky Osgood post from yesterday, I will say: Gary Roberts is a boob. Hey, wait….no, that doesn’t work…I like boobs….

Um…Gary Roberts is a mushroom.

Problem Solved

I had two rehearsals and a board meeting today. Sometimes, even the most focused and professional of musicians allows her mind to wander in rehearsal, and today was just one of those days for me. Oh, I did my job. I was present and accounted for, and I played all mostly all the right notes, but I had a hard time staying mentally focused today. The human psyche has a way of prioritizing certain things, and even in spite of my best efforts to concentrate on the rehearsals and the meetings, my brain had other ideas. You see, since last night I’ve had a pressing issue that has been demanding my mental attention. Sometimes, I just have to mull a dilemma over until I drive myself insane considering every angle.

I’m happy to report that after 24 hours of fretting, deliberating, and waffling, I have finally gotten to the heart of the issue that has been dogging me all day:

Chris Osgood is not the lovable nerd that I like to pretend he is. In reality, he’s just a plain old nerd. Now, I wish him all the best (and continued success in the Finals), but I can no longer ignore his unsavory diving tendencies.  I don’t mind the occasional artful goalie dive- diving can draw tasty penalties, after all- but Osgood has taken things too far.   I hereby declare an end to my Chris Osgood infatuation.

Ahhh. Problem solved. I feel so much better now.

:P

Semi-Live Blog

I intend to watch the game tonight. If I have something interesting to say while it’s occurring, I’ll put it here. How does that sound? If I don’t have anything interesting to say, I’ll put that here too. Heh.

Pregame

-I just learned that the year I graduated from high school (1993), Sidney Crosby was playing Timbits hockey. Hm. I’m pretty old.
– Marc Andre-Fleury has successfully navigated the surface of the ice. I repeat, Fleury is on the ice.
– That was an admirable Star Spangled Banner, slutty looking blond lady. Well done.

1st Period

– Oooh. Sid has that crazy look tonight.
– The Red Wings have that, “Whatever, kid” juggernautty look tonight.
– Ryan Malone has fourteen black eyes.
– Ha! CBC just told us that Kronwall has itty bitty feet, in fact he’s got the smallest feet in the buiness. (Size 6) I was considering switching to VS, but if CBC is going to be all hilarious like this, well then I’m sticking with the Canadians.
– I think Malkin is crumbling under the pressure of being my playoff boyfriend. (1-0, Detroit) Some dude named Stuart, just scored a funny little goal. Stupid Malkin, stupid Flower.
-Okay, remember how I said I was cheering for the Penguins tonight? I’m not so sure I have the resolve to pull it off. I wish that the Penguins didn’t look so bad, but I LOVE how the Red Wing very calmly make everyone look bad. (2-0, Detroit)
-You know, the Sabres must have been really, really bad to miss the playoffs…..in the East.
– The Detroit Red Wings have the best beards in the business. Jordan Staal has a surprisingly respectable beard.
– WWGRD? Take a dumb penalty.
-Q: What have we learned here tonight? A: The Eastern Conference is an embarrassment. Why do we suck so hard? Should we start making all the teams travel unnecessarily out of their way? We hear a lot of whining from the Western Conference about how they have to travel so much in comparison to the Eastern Conference; but, what if that’s what makes them so good? I say we make all the EC teams travel in an Eastern direction, no matter where they are going, until they learn not to be so bad at hockey.
-Shut up, Don Cherry. Just shut up. Never say another thing, ever again. Ever.

2nd Period

– Do the Penguins have any shots in this game?
– Have the Penguins even touched the puck this period?
– I’m seriously considering whether Guitar Hero might be a better use of my time than this game. I can’t beat Slash to get into the Expert level. Slash is just too good. Ever since I found the “Practice” option, Guitar Hero has been so much more rewarding.
– Kid Rock is not aging well.
– The Penguins really can’t buy a goal. On a rare Wings defensive stumble, the Pens fail to score on about fourteen different open nets.
– Why do so many beards grow in red? What is uo with that?
– I’m kind of surprised that Detroit isn’t winning 10-0 by now. I honestly think they are just toying with the Penguins. They’re just batting them around for fun.

2nd Intermission

– AAAAAAAHAHAHAHA! The Penguins only have 19 shots in the last FOUR periods. That is hilariously bad. Poor little Pens. The Wings are just too juggernautty.
– Yay! Kelly Hrudey! Wearing a nice yellow tie! I love this guy! One of the things I find so sweet about him is how he looks squarely at the person he is talking to, as if he’s not actually on television. He is making unrelenting eye contact with Ron MacLean right now.
– Yikes. CBC just gave us a shot from behind of the VS crew. I did not need to see the back of Brian Engblom’s head.

3rd Period

– Okay, I am now wandering all over the internet, looking at other live blogs. I’m forgetting to watch the game.
– I really do like the Red Wings, but Babcock gives me the heebie geebies. Big time.
– One of the “hockeyisms” that I still haven’t gotten used to is the overuse of “time and space”. It sounds so new agey to me. It sounds like something that blond chick Muppet in Animal’s band would say. “You just need to make your own time and space, maaan.”
– Ryan Malone ruins everything, doesn’t he? The Penguins had a promising looking PP going and Malone went charging into the nerd’s crease. 4-on-4.
– Shortie for Detroit! Filppula is out of control!
– Aw, a super sad shot of the Pens bench. Sad Talbot makes me feel sad. That beard should never be sad.
– Hey, wait. That wasn’t a shortie. That was 4 on 4. Aren’t you glad you came here for your live blog? Heh.
– Um, Gary Roberts is kind of a douche.
– I hope the Wings score ten goals on this power play.
– If the NHL wants me to keep watching this game, they had better stop playing Guitar Hero songs in the arena.
– It’s suddenly become very important to me that Gary Roberts not win the Cup. Fortunately, there seems to be very little chance of that happening any time soon. Heh.
– Oh, dear. Everyone is punching everyone else.
– Heh. Osgood seems a little tippy tonight. Such a punky nerd.
– Lilja is VERY attractive

At the End

– For awhile there, this game was hugely boring, but then I accepted that I love the Red Wings, and after that the game became highly enjoyable. Hockey is hilarious! (Sorry, Pens fans.) I’m now rooting for a sweep. I was rooting for an exciting series, but if it’s going to be lopsided like this, I want to see the most dominant performance in the history of hockey. So far, so good. Go Red Wings!

Teehee

Call me a beeyotch, but this is never not going to be funny. Ever.

Heh. Poor Flower.

I found this gif gem over on the HF boards.

I ended up cheering for the Red Wings on Saturday (let’s face it, cheering for the Red Wings is the path of least resistance, and I’m nothing if not lazy), but I would really love for this to be a good series, so tonight, no matter how juggernauty and appealingly machine-like the Wings are, I’m rooting for the Pens.

GO PENS!

UPDATE: Well, since we’re laughing at the minor misfortunes of others today, I just found this clip via Empty Netters. The Spokane Chiefs won the Memorial Cup, and then….dropped it onto the ice. Oopsies.

A Decisive Victory For the Robotic Swedes!

It’s kind of hard to imagine the Pens winning ANY games after that.

It’s Been Too Long

I realized with a start this afternoon that I am WAY behind on my “Back to Hockey” posting schedule on TWC. I haven’t even done Kate’s Favorite Sabre yet! The season starts tomorrow and I’m TOTALLY unprepared! I’m so sorry that I have allowed myself to be distracted away from hockey like this. It’s just that with such a long off season, my attention wandered away, and the next thing I knew, it was the start of new season! I’m so excited! The Sabres are back tomorrow! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Wait.

What’s that you say?

Tomorrow is just the start of the Finals?

The 2008 Finals?! But…wait…..didn’t Detroit win those already?

What the hell?

But. It’s been a hundred years since hockey ended. Surely it’s time for a new season. Are you telling me the NHL scheduled a hundred year break between the end of the conference finals, and the start of the finals? It’s been so long since I watched hockey I can’t really remember the situation. I just figured it was time for a new season.

Really? Huh. Okay. Tomorrow the Finals start. The 2008 Stanley Cup Finals.

Gotcha.

So…….who’s playing again?

_____________

Aw, just kidding. I remember who’s playing in the Finals, but this long break took some of the wind out of my sails. Stupid schedulers. Don’t they know I have a very short attention span?

Here. Let’s watch this again. This will perk us back up for the Finals.

Gorgeous.

In Defense of the Penguins

Yesterday I wrote a post about my goofy reasons for rooting for the Wings, now in the interest of balanced coverage, I present three goofy reasons to cheer for the Pens.

1. I discovered Evgeni Malkin.

Remember how the first time you fell in love you felt like you INVENTED falling in love? That’s how Evgeni Malkin’s playing makes me feel; like I INVENTED sitting on the couch being dazzled by hockey. I like his playing so much that I feel surely I am the first person in the world to have noticed his awesomeness. This happened twice to me this year; first with Vincent Lecavalier, and then with Evgeni Malkin. These guys are so riveting on the ice that the mere act of watching them play has filled me with a sense of ownership as a fan.

When you are a brand new hockey fan, and your new obsession involves absolute immersion in the hockey blogosphere and media, you spend a lot of time trying to “catch-up”. This is, of course, a futile experience. I’ll never catch up with those of you who have been watching hockey all your lives. When you spend all your time feeling a few steps behind, it’s extra fun to feel like you’ve “discovered” a player all by yourself, without outside influence. I know a lot of you have been watching hockey for quite some time, and you think you know more than me (and most of the time I am happy to agree with that assessment), but I’m proud to inform you, I INVENTED loving Evgeni Malkin. You can thank me for paving the way. Heh.

2. Talbot and Iceburgh locked in a loving embrace.

I have found no reason not to love Maxime Talbot. In fact, the more I investigate him, the more I find to love. Take this picture for example:

Maxime Talbot and Iceburgh INVENTED having fun.

I want to see a lot more adorable player-on-mascot action. As far as I know, the Detroit Red Wings don’t have anyone anywhere near as fun as Talbot on their roster, and the closest thing they have to a mascot is a dead, rotting octopus. Major advantage to Pittsburgh in this category.

3. The Pensblog

You really can’t argue with The Pensblog (well, you can, but it’s not advisable). Usually hilarious, often ridiculous, and occasionally truly offensive, The Pensblog (along with IPB) is paving the way for fan generated, reader interactive, sports blogging. I love how they don’t try to be something they’re not, and they make no apologies for what they are. Day in and day out, The Pensblog is chugging away, providing us with such gems as Law & Order: Pensblog Unit- Fluery vs. Conklin. When accused (rightly so, IMO) of being too cavalier with terms like “gay” and “homo”, they brought us Pensblog Charlie, one of the most important hockey figures of our time. You might not enjoy their tone, but you’re the fool if you can’t respect their consistency and clarity of message. I so enjoy Pensblog that I consider them a perfectly good reason to cheer for the Pens.

Enjoy

Every single hockey blog in the world is posting this commercial today, because it’s absolutely breathtaking.

In Defense of the Wings

[EDIT: I wrote this post in about half an hour, under very rushed conditions, which is something I am not used to doing. When I got home from work tonight, I reread the post and changed some stuff. I’m not sure what the proper protocol for changing a blog post hours after the fact is, but after a little hemming and hawing, I decided, aw hell, it’s my blog. In the interest of pretending to stand by my work, I am adding this disclaimer: I have fixed [some of] the typos, and softened the tone of the original post.]

________

I’m going to delay the “Sid or Geno?” post for a day or so because I am moved to defend the Red Wings, who most of you seem to be rooting against. I understand that the Penguins are the sexier choice, especially if you are under the age of 53 (the average age on the Red Wings roster), but I really must insist that you whipper-snappers take a good look at the Wings before you cast them aside. These old dogs are still feisty. Now, please don’t take this post to mean I will be cheering against the Pens in the Finals. I genuinely like both teams, but for today, I will focus on my affection for the Red Wings.

I now present three rock-solid reasons to love the Red Wings.

1. Chris Osgood:

Chris Osgood is an adorable nerd. We’ve been over this already.

I know, I know, all you Wings haters are squawking “He’s a DIVER! He’s a DIVER!” Totally true. The thing is, that dumb butting/slashing/diving scene was so undignified on so many levels that I have decided to ignore it all together. I’ve wiped the slate clean. I took a Forget-me-not, and forgot the whole thing. The most important thing to remember about Chris Osgood is that he’s a soft spoken, good humored nerd. He probably writes poetry, and love songs. The OTHER thing to love about Chris Osgood is that he wears a plain, non-hideous helmet, unlike pretty much every other goalie in the league. [EDIT: I removed something from this paragraph that I didn’t like after a little reflection. It was too mean. If you are dying to know what I removed, email me, and I will tell you. Otherwise, you can go ahead and assume the worst: I was advocating eating puppies, but now I’ve changed my mind. :P]

2. Pavel Datsyuk’s head:

I stole this image from The Battle of California

Of all the things, on all the hockey blogs that I’ve read this year, this side-by-side comparison of Pavel Datsyuk and a candy corn from The Battle of California might be my favorite. Pavel Datsyuk’s head is shaped exactly like a candy corn, and I love him because of it. When the always hilarious RudyKelly wrote the post containing this brilliant observation, he was trying to use this as evidence against Datsyuk, but his plan hideously backfired. I now love Datsyuk almost exclusively BECAUSE of his candy corn shaped head. (Interestingly, there’s a comment from me on the original BoC post claiming outrage. I think I must have been trying to impress RudyKelly at the time. That comment is a gigantic lie. I’m not offended, I never was, and I love Datsyuk’s candy corn head. [Sorry, Rudy])

3. They’re so fucking juggernautty.

Normally, I HATE teams who always win (for example, if you are not from New England, and you rooted for the Patriots this year, I think you are probably a tool), but there is something about these Red Wings that I love. I want to believe in this Red Wings team. I want to believe that some hockey teams don’t choke, and don’t bend under lofty expectations, and really are as good as they seem. I’m sure I will hate them next year. As soon as they win the Cup, I will hate their guts, but I’m kind of in the mood to see a genuine juggernaut kick some ass. I want to be awed, and the Red Wings seem like the best bet in that department.