NOT COOL, GUYS.

I had the intention of doing a big long post today about Darcy Regier.  I might still write that post, but I’ve been temporarily halted by a completely disturbing discovery.

Here at The Willful Caboose Headquarters, I do the research for my brainier posts in one of two ways.  I either google things in the form of a question, (Example: “Is Darcy Reiger as dumb and/or as smart as he looks?”), and if that doesn’t work, I usually just make shit up.   My post today was going to be super brainy, believe you me.  Like, mega suuuuper brainy.

I had some questions about Darcy’s trade history and what it might tell us about how he’ll proceed on Monday.  So, first I googled, “Everyone is constantly bringing up the fact that Darcy traded for Briere and Drury as evidence of Darcy’s mad trading skillz, but they always gloss over the fact that the Sabres missed the playoffs for the first two years that both of those guys were on the team.  Of course, that doesn’t detract from the awesomeness of those trades, but it DOES raise the question- Is Darcy capable of turning the Sabres around quickly?”

That google search turned up diddly-poo.  At first I thought it might be time to shift into the “just make shit up” portion of my research, but I decided to go the extra mile in an effort to make my suuuper-mega-brainy post extra legit.  I decided to google Chris Drury and Daniel Briere.  Truthfully, I wasn’t totally positive about that whole, “The Sabres missed the playoffs for the first two years that both Drury and Briere were on the team,” claim.  I thought it wouldn’t hurt to double check.

So, first I googled, Daniel Briere.  I learned that he was a deadline acquisition in 2003.  So, that means he WAS on the team when the Sabres missed the playoffs in both 2003, and 2004.  So far the facts were backing up my claim.

Then, I google Chris Drury.  And this is where I made a TOTALLY HORRIFYING DISCOVERY.

Seriously, you guys?  SERIOUSLY?!  WHAT THE EFF IS WRONG WITH US?

Yes, that’s right.  When you google, “Chris Drury,” the drop down menu provides “Chris Drury back to Buffalo,” AS AN AUTO-FILL.   What this means is that so many people have actually googled, “Chris Drury back to Buffalo,” that now Google just FILLS IT IN AS A HELPFUL TIME SAVER.

This discovery has completely derailed my research because now I’m just sitting here on the couch feeling vaguely embarrassed. I don’t want to write about the history of the Sabres anymore today. I don’t even want to think about the history of the Sabres anymore today.

Buffalo, we need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.  Constantly looking backwards is… I just… I MEAN, COME ON.  This is Chris Drury we’re talking about.

I want to move forward, and I suspect you do too.  So, let’s take baby steps.  We can do it together.  First step: We’re going to stop googling Chris Drury.  All of us.  We can do this, you guys.   Cold turkey.

We’re never ever ever ever ever ever going to google Chris Drury for fun again.  Ever.

If, for some reason I wind up needing to google Chris Drury for a TOTALLY LEGIT bloggy-type reason, I BETTER not find “Chris Drury back to Buffalo,” in the drop down menu again.  DO YOU HEAR ME, BUFFALO?

Here is an example of an acceptable drop down Google menu:

100% awesome, and not at all embarrassing (at least not for us).

Go Forth and Boo (If That’s Your Style)

I am pro booing. Every time I write the sentence “I am pro booing,” I feel like I need to follow it up with an explanation of all the different ways that I’m a good person, and why I like booing, and why I don’t think it’s that big a deal, and why I truly think booing can be joyful and fun, but honestly, I should stop trying to justify my position on this issue. My name is Katebits, and I’m a booer. You can think I’m a “classless” beeyotch if you want. I don’t mind. It doesn’t really matter what I think, or what you think, Drury is going to get booed tonight. (Not by me. I’ll be playing Mendelssohn tonight. Pretty “classy”, no?) I’m sure Chris Drury can handle the boos, but it looks like Jerry Sullivan is going to be very, very disappointed in all of us after the game. Whatevs, Sully. Whatevs.

I Hate the Rangers

I haven’t been a hockey fan long enough to have solidified my hatred towards the Sabres’ rivals. Frankly, at this stage, I don’t really care one whiff about the Flyers or the Leafs. And while I don’t particularly want to invite them over for dinner, my dislike of the Senators is confined to the hockey arena.

Right now, the only team I loath is the New York Rangers. In joining the Rangers, Chris Drury revealed that it was his lifelong dream to play in New York. EW! Not only did he leave us, but he never even loved us in the first place! The Rangers are disgusting and I hate them.

Which is why I found this headline so delightful:

Listen, I wish Chris Drury well off the ice, but I’m not going to lie, I think it would be awesome to watch him suffer a few losing seasons in New York after he so narrowly escaped the horrors of Buffalo.

I know, I know, it’s the preseason, and it doesn’t mean anything, but I’ll take anything I can get. Captain Clutch is a loser (at least for today)! Heh.

Click here if you want to barf.

Open Auditions

Dear Current Sabres,

As you know, Chris Drury had a short-lived, but very important tenure as Kate’s Favorite Sabre. I’m sure you are also aware that Drury made a mockery of his title by becoming a loathsome Ranger on July 1st, 2007. There is no doubt that the office of Kate’s Favorite Sabre has suffered a terrible blow to its credibility, but in the interest of healing and cohesiveness, we here at TWC feel it is important to move forward with dignity. In troubling times, Kate looks to her Favorite Sabre for guidance and reassurance, and in the absence of a reigning Favorite Sabre, the entire fandom is in jeopardy.

This season will undoubtedly be a transition year for the office of Kate’s Favorite Sabre. Certainly no player could ever be expected to step in and fill the role of such an influential predecessor; but while Chris Drury’s reign was at times magical, it was also devastating in its ultimate conclusion. The future Favorite Sabre will have heretofore unheard of opportunities to reestablish the integrity of the office, and to shape the tenor of Kate’s future fandom. Kate’s vulnerability to influence has never been higher, which is why it is so important that the right player is chosen to fill this, the most holy of hockey titles.

Kate appeals to you in a time of desperate need. Who amongst you possesses the winning qualities that will usher her out of the Chris Drury era, and into an era of hope, dignity, and passion?

Interested parties should send a resume, a headshot, and a $50 fully refundable check to:

Her Royal Majesty Katebits
5th player, viola section
Kleinhans Music Hall 14201

Thank you in advance for your interest. I am sure you will agree that it is your duty as a Sabre to step forward and offer whatever comfort you can to your most loyal and loving fan, H.R.M. Katebits.

Sincerely,

Tim Laudner (Original Favorite Player)
Chief Officer of Correspondence
Office of H.R.M. Katebits