Okay, here’s the terrible truth. I don’t really feel like the NHL season has started. I missed the first Sabres game, and then I got all wrapped up in the Twins, and I’ve barely had a chance to watch a single minute of anyTHING because I’ve been so busy and preoccupied with about ten thousand things, none of which are hockey.
I’ve been feeling a bit sad, Hockey-wise, so today I’m doing what I almost never do, I’m about to watch a DVRed game.
Pregame
Mood: I am downright DELIGHTED right now. Tonight my orchestra played with the fabulous, charming, very talented and wonderful, Ben Folds. I hearted him before the concert, but I heart him even more now.
Favorite Sabre: You know, I’ve barely had the chance to look at the roster much less evaluate the players. I guess I’ll go with my old standard, Goosenheimer Smith. HONK!
Least Favorite Sabre: Oh, hell. I don’t know. Roy-Z?
Prediction: DVR delay games never end well. If the Sabres lose, expect dramatically oversized outrage.
Musical Act Representing My Hope For This Game: Ben Folds
He’s sassy, he’s fun, he’s cute as a (nerdy) bug’s ear.
After the 1st (0-0)
Mood: Still chipper!
Favorite Sabre: Staffy is failing to score at every turn, and yet I kind of love him tonight.
Least Favorite: I see Roy-Z is still choosing to pass the puck to some invisible player behind him in lieu of shooting at the net. Roy-Z is a slag-faced whore.
Observations:
– The Sabres should have made Ed Jovanovski pay for icing the puck two thousand times in a row.
– EW! EW! A THOUSAND TIMES, EW! Cellino and Barnes pop-up ads during the game?!
– Crunchy is so spunky.
– I looooove my television.
– Seriously. Since when does Jason Pominville participate in scrums in front of the net?
– That Coyote totally grabbed the puck and threw it across the ice! Cheater! Well, at least Rick and Harry are amused by his trickery. I like to hear RJ giggling.
– HOOOOONK! Okay, that was MEGA rad how Goose basically just walked up to Jovanovski (who was hogging the puck behind his net) and STOLE THE PUCK WITH THE SHEER FORCE OF HIS WITHERING GAZE. Too bad the he just fell down once he had the puck. I think Goose was surprised that that trick worked.
Summary of events: I feel like the Sabres aren’t sucking! They’re so chippy, and although they can’t score, they look like they’re TRYING. I also feel like that entire period consisted of each teams neatly, and skillfully stealing the puck off the other’s stick. Everyone was all, “Hey, look over there! *points at something in the crowd* SIIIIIKE! I’ll just be taking that puck now, thank you very much. SUCKER!”
Musical Act Representing This game so far: Liz Phair (I just realized how much this post will reveal my age. Just the other day I was wondering if I should bother to figure out who Lady Gaga is, or if I should just assume she’ll go away soon.)
She’s kind of a wreck, but she’s weirdly lovable.
After the 2nd (0-0)
Mood: Concerned. This game should be, like, 15-0 in favor of the Sabres.
Favorite Sabre: They all look the same….
Least Favorite Sabre: ….except Vanek, who looks like an invisible pile of puke.
Summary of Events: The Sabres shot the puck 45,000 times.
Observations:
– Oh for PETE’S SAKE, that was a FOUR MINUTE power play you just wasted, you goobers.
– Oh for PETE’S SAKE, we do NOT attempt to fix our bone-headed skating mistakes by taking a bone-headed penalty. Steve Montador.
– Oh for PETE’S SAKE. Don’t take ANOTHER bone-headed penalty on top of the FIRST one. Hank Tallinder.
– Huh. They killed all that off. Good work, goobers.
– Whoa. Teppo’s wife is priddy.
– I’m officially worried that the Sabres are never going to score again.
– Dude. Crunchy is such a spindly stud. Three-on-ones are no match for his spindly studliness.
– Rick is outraged that Fiddler left the Predators because, “A FIDDLER in NASHVILLE? Come ON.” He’s got a solid point.
– Dave Tippet needs to regrow his mustache. Stat.
– Okay, the Sabres got the puck in the net ten years after the whistle blew. But we’re reviewing it anyway. Let’s take this opportunity to appreciate that funny phone the refs use for times like this.
Musical act representing this game so far: Dave Matthews Band
Let’s face it, this game is a little annoying. Tomorrow some hippie is going to come along and be all, “Duuuude, I’d rather see a hard fought 1-0 game then a 7-6 game.” And then I will reply, “Zip it, hippie. The Dave Matthews Band This game is annoying.”
At the end (2-1, Sabres)
Mood: Jubilant!
Favorite Sabre: CLARKE MACARTHER, also Mike Grier
Least Favorite Sabre: Sorry Mair and Paille. Turns out you’re just extras.
Observations of the 3rd:
-It is MONUMENTALLY irritating that the Coyotes just got a goal, but it was totally inevitable. Now we’ll see if these Sabres have any fight in them.
– Hot DAMN. MacArthur, I had NO IDEA you had that in you. WOOO! 1-1!
– Oh no. Tyler Myers. Please please please be okay. You’re okay, big fella.
– There are very few things I love more than seeing the back of Sabretooth’s head as he watches the game down near the glass on the broadcast
– You know what I love about hockey? How the time outs are, like, a nano-second long.
– The Sabres power play doesn’t look that awful but apparently, it is TARE. A. BULL. The Sabres have been on the power play for half of this game. No goals.
– Crunchy just made a save with his armpit. He’s a master!- The Coyotes are wisely taking penalty after penalty, secure in the knowledge that the Sabres are incapable of scoring on the power play.
– WOOOOOOOOOO! FINALLY. Thank you, Vanek. 2-1, Sabres! (And is it just me, or is MacArthur looking taller, faster, and like we might never see Paille again?)
– Please hold this lead, you goobers. Only a minute and a half to go.
– Holy Crap. They won.
Summary of Events: You know what? That was a GREAT game. I’d rather see a hard fought 2-1 win than a 7-6 fiasco. Heh. (But The Dave Matthews Band still sucks.) This was exactly the kind of game that they would have DEFINITELY lost last season. You know who I think might have been the difference? Mike Grier. That guy just skates around, keeping things under control, doesn’t he?
Musical act representing this game: Kelley Polar.
I know this man personally and I love him dearly. He reads this blog, so be nice in the comments.
But please feel free to make fun of his white eye shadow.
The Willful Caboose 