Dear NHL,

Scheduling all 30 teams to play at the same time is neither cool nor sassy.  It’s incredible lame.  It’s like broadcasting an entire new season of Mad Men on ten different channels during the same 3 hour period.  It’s like eating all three meals at lunchtime.  It’s like sleeping for 48 straight hours and then trying to stay awake for the next five days.  It’s the stupidest plan in the world.

Sincerely,

Katebits

OMG, The NHL Is So Dumb.

All day long I’ve been batting around the idea of doing a Sean Avery post, but I just read this, and I am now too dumbfounded to continue.  I….don’t have any idea how to respond to that.  I’m literally speechless.

So, instead of a post about the Sean Avery “sloppy seconds” incident, here is a video of a really funny dog wearing little dog shoes.

Make sure to watch to the end!  (It’s only 45 second long)

All-Star Mascots

During the SuperSkillz competition on Saturday, I was delighted to catch a glimpse of Sabretooth galavanting around in the background during an on-ice interview with Jason Spezza. I’m so glad that Sabretooth got to go to the All-Star game! Seriously, of all the current Sabres, I honestly think he might be the person I trust the most to represent Buffalo. Plus, knowing that he was in Atlanta filled my head with all sorts of delightful images: Sabretooth on a plane. (Does he get to fly first class?) Sabretooth waiting at the baggage claim at the airport. Sabretooth in a swanky hotel room, looking for a good movie to watch on pay-per-view. (No, not porn! Sabretooth would NEVER!) Sabretooth splashing some water on his face in the morning before he pulls on his jersey.

And THEN, while visiting Full. Body. Transplant. this morning, I saw this amazing photograph.

By my count, there are 23 mascots here, which means seven teams were unrepresented.  Removing a few Marty Broduer-like “I’m having family problems, but, no, no, don’t worry, everyone is fine” diva mascots, I would say there are a few teams that either don’t have a mascot at all (LAME), or were too cheap to send their mascot (UNFORGIVABLE).

Of course, as wonderful as a picture like this is, it also raises a LOT of questions that I know will never be answered to my satisfaction. Do you think that when these mascots get together in a big group like this, that they talk, um, outloud?  Or do they all just stand around together, gesturing theatrically?  Did the Sabres send the good, repelling Sabretooth, or did they send the threadbare Hobo-Sabretooth that stands on the concourse before the games at HSBC?  Who is that weird bear/wolf thing in the upper left, and why is his tongue dangling out like that?  Why are there no female mascots?  Why the FUCK is the Hurricane mascot a pig?  Do the shoes come off of that pig, or are those just fake shoes designed to deflect attention from what I assume should be hooves?

And most importantly, what is up with this guy?

According to the Columbus Blue Jackets website, his name is Stinger, which I guess would make him a bee.  In his bio he lists “brushing his teeth” as one of his hobbies.  I’m really not sure how I feel about Stinger.

The Throne Series

So, there was an All-Star game last night. I thought it was pretty boring until the last three minutes, which were admittedly fun. It was interesting to see the players get competitive after 55 minutes of watching them skate around like little old ladies. Soupy got a bunch of points, sooooo, that should really help smooth things over in his contract negotiations. Mostly, I was underwhelmed with the All-Star weekend. It was fun to see the players acting like real people, having fun and joking around, but the hockey part was kind of lame. Hockey doesn’t really lend itself well to a watered down “let’s not get hurt” version. I like the idea of a midseason break, but I think the NHL should just give up the ghost and show us some kind of three-day reality show starring the All-Stars.

In spite of all of its flaws, the All-Star weekend did produce one truly awesome result: The Throne Series

King Joe

This situation with the throne is rife with unintentional comedy.

Photographer: So, okay guys, you’re Kings. Not L.A Kings, but you know, real Kings. Leaders of men. You are powerful and strong and virile. I want you to sit down on this red throne. You are a KING! You are a stud upon your throne. Now, I want you to hold this hockey stick. This is your scepter. This stick is a symbol of your power as a man. Got it?

Vincent Lecavalier: Done.

Daniel Alfredsson: I am uncomfortable with this game.

Zdeno Chara: I’m going to take this opportunity to make Katebits love me. She thinks she hates me now; in fact, she booed me the last time we were in Buffalo. But I’m pretty cute. She’ll see.

Brian Campbell: Where am I? Don’t let unsightly veins veins veins ruin your life. Sweat must be stopped! Seriously, though. Am I wearing a fanny-pack?

Patrick Kane: I am your Elvish Prince!

Ryan Geztlaf: I was born to sit on this throne. Ladies, remove your shirts.

Alexander Ovechkin: That’s right….dance, jester. Dance.

Tomas Vokoun: This is bullshit. Stop trying to make me pose with an obvious phallic symbol. I won’t have any part of this. Act like an adult. (Sighs dramatically) I hate you guys.

********

Tomas is right. Grow up, people!

I Gots Skillz

I’m wading through the SuperSkillz Competion on DVRed delay this morning. A few thoughts for your reading enjoyment:

• What the hell? Zdeno Chara is kind of sweet and well spoken. I….don’t understand. Don’t make me like you, Charbacca. Please. That’s all I need: a confusing crush on Chara. Hockey is making me insane.
• Soupy totally LOST that race. Why did he win? Great. Now Bucky is going to spend the next year writing about how we could have had the fastest All-Star in the East FOR PENNIES ON THE DOLLAR IF ONLY THE SABRES HAD LISTENED TO REASON. Soupy would have signed for $8.50 an hour and free lunches at the HSBC cafeteria if the Sabres had only bothered to send him the contract BEFORE the All-Star game! Now his price has sky rocketed! Now, no doubt we’ll be forced to overspend when Soupy walks and Lowe gives Goose a billion dollar, 100-year offer-sheet.
• It’s really too bad they have to wear helmets in real life, because it’s very nice to see their faces. I also enjoy seeing who’s balding and who has a full, luscious head of hair. Just for the record, I actually really like bald guys, so I’m not judging.
• Holy Cow. They weren’t kidding about the YOUNG Stars thing. DAY-um. These kids look like they are about fifteen. I am an old, old lady.
• Um, Patrick Kane, your name is Patrick. Not Pete. I can write it down for you if you want.
• Manny Legace is hilarious and I love him. Goalies should be mic’ed up all the time. I would love to hear Crunchy all dryly explaining his each and every thought and emotion during a game. *flatly* “Well. I thought he was going to go five-hole, but then he came up on me which isn’t really what you expect a guy on his size to do. Normally with a guy under six foot, statistics tell you that he’s going to keep it low. I’ve found that keeping a close eye on the stats has really helped my career. It’s also what has enabled me to branch out of hockey in to the business world. Shop the Refinery……dot com. Running a good hockey team is a lot like running a clothing boutique, you need a good solid business plan. I’m just trying to keep my head on straight out here. It’s important to me that I stay focused. I pride myself on working hard, even when we’re not getting the bounces. Life can’t be all about fun times and easy wins, sometimes you’ve got to win an ugly game. I dunno. I wish my fucking teammates would score every once in a while.”
• I have bided my time on making a decision about Rick DiPietro and his controversial hotness, but I’m now ready to announce my official position. Pretty Ricky, is infact, hot. I might as well take this opportunity to admit that I have a little soft spot for the Islanders. I blame Margee.
• This weird freestyle competition is totally stoopid. They all look like idiots, especially, Marty St. Louis, who is a Fancy Bit. Honestly, my fantasy team, the Fancy Bits, are such an embarrassment.

The Smell of Swedes

Call me crazy, but I think this NHL.com headline is pretty bad.

Here I am, minding my own business, checking out NHL.com, and suddenly through no fault of my own, I am thinking about the smell of a mid-game Henrik Zetterberg. Now granted, there are probably one or two hockey fans out there who enjoy pondering such things, but I would propose that these fans are few and far between. Not only is this headline disturbing from a hypothetical olfactory standpoint, but it’s really dumb to boot. I can think of ten better headlines:

How Swede It Is!
What a Bunch of Swedeies!
Swede Love To Beat the Blackhawks, But They’re Too Good!
You Bet Your Swede Bippy!
Victory is Swede
Don’t Fill Up On Swedes, You’ll Spoil Your Dinner.
Hitting the Swede Spot in Detroit

Okay fine, that’s only seven, and some of them are just as disturbing as the original. My only point is that this headline is very stupid and if the NHL is going to pay someone to write stupid headlines, they should just pay me.

Although, I warn you NHL, my services normally don’t come cheap. But because I love you, I’ll give you a Swedeheart deal.

Heh.

Is This The Year?

I’m sure you have already seen the new NHL, “Is this the year? commercials.

I found this mash-up over at AOL FanHouse.

Now, I actually like this ad. I love that Ryan Miller is featured so prominently. I like that hockey is an international sport, and I wish that the ad featured more players speaking in their native language. I loathe the anti-Sid sentiment at the end of the retooled ad………..but this mash-up made me laugh. I laughed because from the very first time I saw this commercial, every time they asked, “Is this the Year?” I responded out loud with a resounding “No”.

It was pure instinct.

I’m no advertising genius, but the fact that on first viewing I was literally responding in the negative to the commercial seems like a fairly large flaw in the advertising campaign.

Hee.