Welcome, New Guy!

Hey, look at this guy.  He’s a Sabre.

“Hey ladies.”
*finger guns*
“My name is Raffi Torres.  I am now Buffalo’s lead scorer.”
*wink*

Nathan Paetsch is now a Blue Jacket, and Clarke MacArthur is now a 3rd and 4th round draft pick, so we must say their eulogies.

R.I.P:

Nathan Paetsch, your face is pleasingly round, and you always seem so polite and cordial.  Your ability to play almost any position on the ice will be missed, as will your helmet that you had Chara autograph after he dented it with a slapshot.  We wish you well in Columbus.  Good luck with the co-eds and the ice girls.  Please send Rick Nash my best.  Thank you for your service to the Buffalo Sabres.  Amen.

Clarke MacArthur, you have frustrated me many times over the years, and your ridiculous hair makes you look perpetually stoned.  You do, however, have a good nickname.  “The General” will be missed.  We wish you well in Atlanta.  I’ll look for you in the Atlanta airport when I fly Delta.  Good luck with the traffic and the heat.  Please send Max Afinogenov my best.  Thank you for your service to the Buffalo Sabres. Amen.

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In other news, we probably all owe Darcy Regier a wee bit of an apology.  He DID something!  Yay!

So, Darcy, sorry we all doubted you, and thank you SO MUCH for not re-signing Henrik Tallinder and telling us it’s the same as a big trade.  Seriously.  This is so much better than that would have been.

Let’s Blow This Baby Up

I’m kind of a drama queen when it comes to the Sabres (although oddly, I’m not a drama queen in any other area of my life), so I felt a little bit of vindication when I made my morning blog rounds today.  It seems I’m not the only person who thought that that was THE WORST HOCKEY GAME IN THE HISTORY OF TIME AND SPACE.  I mean, I’ve seen the Sabres suck plenty of times before, but that game last night was an abomination.  I’m not sure that either team successfully completed a pass all night.  I will forever remember that game as ten guys standing in the middle of the rink kicking the puck around randomly with their skates.  For all I know, they didn’t even USE hockey sticks last night.

But the details about last night are neither here nor there.  The main point is that the Sabres are not a good hockey team.  I’ll admit, I’ve lost ALL patience for waiting around for this particular group of guys to pull it together.  It’s not going to happen.  Drastic steps must be taken.

I’m not ordinarily the type of blogger to play the role of GM.  I don’t feel very confident with my hockey analysis, but this situation has inspired me to go out on a limb and write a serious post about what I would do if I were the GM of the Sabres.  In my opinion, this team needs a major shake-up.

Here are the moves I would make:

Tim Connolly should be retired and sent to a farm to live out his remaining years grazing peacefully.  It’s the most humane solution at this point.

Drew Stafford should be traded for Evgeni Malkin.

Derek Roy‘s talent should be surgically extracted and implanted into Paul Gaustad.  This is a dangerous scheme because there’s a risk that Goose could be infected with some of Roy-Z’s personality as well as his talent (that, of course, would be disastrous/tragic), but I’m sure we can all agree that a Goose/Roy-Z hybrid would be a useful player to have around.  I think it’s worth the risk.  After the talent transferring procedure, the now talentless Derek Roy can become Goose’s personal assistant.  Everyone wins….except Goose, who now has a talentless Derek Roy following him around all the time.

Ryan Miller needs his glass eye removed and replaced with a real eye.  He’s done pretty well with one glass eye, considering, but it’s clear that he needs two good eyes to compete in the NHL.  He might as well get his wonky eyebrow re-cocked while he’s at it.

Jason Pominville needs to be taken off the point on the power play.

Henrik Tallinder and Toni Lydman need to be sent out into the deep forest and each be given a match, a single bottle of water, and a penknife.  They have 48 hours to hunt and kill the other.  Whoever comes out alive gets to keep his job.

Thomas Vanek should be paid $7.1 million dollars per year for the next six years.

Clarke MacArthur should be traded to the Blackhawks for Patrick Sharp and Patrick Kane.

Max Afinogenov and Ales Kotalik should be melted down and then recast as Christmas tree ornaments which the Sabres wives and girlfriends can then sell in the concourse to benefit charity.

Andrew Peters should be waived and Adam Mair should start actively practicing punching people and being punched in return.

Patrick Kaleta should be sent to Portland, and Danny Paille should start actively practicing being really, really annoying.

Nathan Paetsch should be traded for Nicklas Lidstrom.

Craig Rivet should be returned to the San Jose Sharks.  This is a mercy trade made of behalf of Rivet who is probably looking at his old team with extreme longing right about now.  This poor dude was living a perfectly happy life in California a few months ago, and now, through no fault of his own, he’s the CAPTAIN of this train wreck.  Poor dude.  I want to set him free.

Mark Mancari, Nathan Gerbe, and Tim Kennedy should all be given trial jobs with the Sabres, but they should be FORBIDDEN from socializing with any of their elder teammates.  Everyday after practice they should be chauffeured to their grim apartments at the Extended Stay America off the 290, and supervised for the remainer of the day.  If any of them even glances wistfully at Chippewa St, they should be automatically fired/executed.

Teppo Numminen should be compelled to retire so that he may begin some sort of job which involves him standing behind the bench with James Patrick looking foxy in a well tailored suit.

Jaroslav Spacek should call a press conference and then bite the head off the pigeon so that we never have to hear about that dumb thing again.  (This isn’t so much of a personnel move as it is a personal request from me to Jaro.)

——-

So that’s what I would do if I were GM.

Patches, Moppet, and Yo-Yo

(This post is a part of a series entitled “Kate’s Favorite Sabre Competition” in which I am choosing my 2007/08 favorite Sabre by process of elimination. Each and every Sabre is a hero, but in the end, there can be only one favorite.)

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I was going over the roster this morning trying to make the next round of cuts, when it occurred to me for the zillionth time since starting this blog, I don’t know what I’m talking about. Nearly all of my hockey knowledge has been gained since the end of the Sabres 2006/07 season. To put this in perspective: Shortly after the Senators eliminated the Sabres, I was looking at pictures from locker clean-out day, and I kept looking at Adam Mair and thinking he was Thomas Vanek. Can you imagine?! A few days ago, I wrote Thomas Vanek an impassioned letter, but two months ago, I wouldn’t have recognized him on the street. So, what this means is that most of my fiercely held beliefs and preferences have been formed in the absence of actual hockey.

Obviously, once the season starts I will be in a better position to form reasonable opinions about these guys. I am starting to look at this not so much a process of choosing a new favorite, but as a record of my thoughts going into the 2007/08 season. I reserve the right to completely abandon my “new favorite” whenever I choose.

In spite of this project’s obvious faults, I’m enjoying myself, so join me as I continue to nonsensically slash my way through the Sabres line-up.

The following men are being cut because they left little impression during the playoffs or the off-season. Now, for all I know, these guys are hockey geniuses, but because they were unable to draw my attention away from Chris Drury, even a little, they are disqualified from being Kate’s Favorite Sabre. I’m a mean, mean bitch.

Nathan Paetsch #38

Nathan Paetsch, I salute you for having an appealingly round face and a pleasant expression. Nice work avoiding arbitration! I wish you the best of luck in the upcoming season. For future reference, if you want to impress me, try cooking a delicious dinner or offering to carry my viola to the car after rehearsal. Little gestures go along way.

Daniel Paille #20

Daniel Paille’s approach to hair care tells me one of 3 things:

a. He is one of those serious types who is too focused on “real” things to bother straightening his hair on team picture day.
b. He is light hearted and fun, and his hair reflects his carefree approach to life.
c. He is twelve-years old and he wears his hair in a currently popular style that perplexes this old-lady-author.

I suspect the answer is “c”, which leaves me with nothing to work with except the very firm knowledge that Daniel Paille is young. Too young.

Jochen Hecht #55

Okay, I know this one is wrong. Yo-Yo here is the first guy I feel bad about cutting. He’s cute, he’s sassy, and he has been playing in the shadow of Briere. The trouble with Jochen is that I don’t have a feel for his personality. What are you bringing to my Sabres table, Jochen? Are you shy? Hilarious? Sarcastic? Yes, yes, they tell me you are a solid all-around player, but really….what are you all about? What is your deal, Jochen Hecht? You’ve got everything it takes to be a Favorite Sabre; I’m just not convinced you really want it.

So, there you have it! Round two is complete. My choices are definitely narrowing, and I’m a bit concerned about the choices I see ahead. I predict tears (on my part). I predict fisticuffs (on Goose and Staffy’s parts). Time is running out boys. It’s now or never. State your case.