Mario Party

Over the last few months I’ve grown increasingly disillusioned with the tone and quality of sports coverage. I don’t really feel like getting into it in-depth right now (and let’s be honest, you don’t really feel like reading about it in-depth right now), but I’ve been plagued by an increasing awareness that the entire sports media industry (teams, journalists, radio) is just part of a big giant machine designed to extract money from fans.

WGR sells “BIG STORY! IT’S A BIG STORY! LET’S TALK ABOUT IT! YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS IT! BIIIIIG STORY!” and The Buffalo News sells, “objectivity,” but it’s allllll just a big sell and it’s all designed to take advantage of our love of sports for profit.

In my opinion, sports coverage isn’t news. It’s entertainment on every level. Which is fine… but lately I keep find myself wondering “Why am I blindly consuming so much of this coverage?” I think I might enjoy the Sabres better on a media island. I’ve gotten to the point where I’d almost rather just get my news directly from the Sabres because at least they’re completely upfront about their motivations. The Sabres are all “We produce hockey, and in exchange, please give us your money.” I find that approach refreshing by comparison.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there, because this week along came Mario Williams. It would be impossible to overstate the NON-STOP HOOPLA we’ve witnessed via twitter and the radio waves. And I loved it.

Hey, Mario. I'd never heard of you until this week and now I'm desperate for you to be a Bill.

UPDATE: He IS a Bill! While I was writing this post someone reported to someone else who reported to Twitter that there’s a 1:30 press conference scheduled and YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I’ve enjoyed this saga from beginning to end. I think the reason I’ve found the Mario Party so charming is that there really hasn’t been any counterpoint. For the two days (before he signed) the conversation was nothing more than unmasked, vulnerable hope. That’s it. There really wasn’t anyone saying, “No. Don’t do it. Mario Williams is a waste of money.” I encountered a few people on twitter yesterday who seemed to take some perverse pleasure in predicting that Mario would crawl out of town under cover of darkness, but for the most part, every single Buffalonian who was talking about Mario Williams was simply saying, “I hope this happens. I would be so happy if this happens.” It was nice.

AND HE SIGNED, which feels like the Football Gods way of rewarding Bills fans for their vulnerable hope.

I have no doubt that the sports media machine will begin churning out the commentary within the hour, but I’m grateful for the few days of relative agreement. When the sports news got really intense, it was the voice of the fan which dictated the conversation. The newspaper, the radio, the Bills, the bloggers, the fans, everyone was on the same page. Basically, everyone in Buffalo made the same silly wish, and then the silly wish came true.

Good job, team.

State of the Onion

I was originally going to write a post about the Sabres, inspired by the Bills, titled “State of the Union”.

The post was probably going to be totally lame because the plan was to talk about how my relationship with the Sabres feels different this season and blah blah blah whine whine blah blah blah shut up Katebits blah blah.  It was all planned out.

But then, I sat down to write this emo post, and when I was writing the title, I accidentally wrote “State of the Onion” instead of “State of the Union,” which made me giggle.  Then, figuring that the Blogging Gods had intervened in order to prevent me from writing a lame emo post, I realized that maybe I have the strength to forge ahead as a Buffalo sports fan after all.

So, I guess that’s the state of the union.  I’m listing towards mopey-ness, but I’m easily distracted by other, happier things.  Like funny typos about onions.

(When is Festivus, by the way?  I think we might all benefit from some organized, “airing of the grievances”.)

Yay!

Dick Jauron got fired!

Let’s celebrate by watching the cutest commercial in the world.

I like cute things, and I’m not afraid to say it.

 

Crikey

The Bills are the worst football team in the history of time and space.  Right?

I spent the afternoon practicing my viola while keeping one eye on the muted football game.  At some point in the fourth period quarter I realized that for some time I had been sitting in front of the muted television, not practicing, my viola in my lap, with my mouth literally agape.  That football was so bad that it was captivating, and then eventually hilarious.

Speechless

            
            
            
                        
            
            
            
            
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
            
            
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
            
Dude.            
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
            
            
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
            
Duuuuuude            
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
                        
            
            
            
That was awful.

It’s Football Season!

Every once in awhile, in a desperate attempt to find inspiration, I start nosing around in my blog draft pile.  Most of the abandoned posts in my draft pile are there for a reason.  They’re unfinished, or unfunny, or just all-around lame- but every once in awhile, I find a post that has somehow aged well.  Some bad blog posts are like a fine wine, I guess.  For whatever reason, I didn’t like this post enough to publish it when I wrote it, but with a little distance, I find it amusing.

The date on the draft of this post is November 18, 2008.  I don’t remember anything happening last season with the Bills that was so dramatically awful that it deserved this treatment, but I think this post corresponds with the Monday Night game against Cleveland.  Seriously, I can’t believe I was this dramatic about it.

There is certainly nothing dramatically bad occurring with the Bills right now (other than extreme pre-season suck), and yet, this post seems somehow appropriate.  I think this kind of borderline-condescending, pathetic sympathy is just funnier when there is nothing actually bad going on.

Side note: I can’t BELIEVE that Trent Edwards still has this haircut.  Honestly, that is some misguided shit, right there.

So, without further ado, here is a blog post originally titled “The Bills Are Suckers, and You’re Too Good For Them”

The Bills Are Suckers, And You’re Too Good For Them, By Kate Bitz

One of the things I think I am good at is helping people through a rough emotional patch.  Like, if your boyfriend or girlfriend turns out to be a sucker, I’d probably be a good person to call when you want to cry, drink, bitch, or be told you’re too good for him/her.  If you want to be indulged in some old fashioned “He was the loooove of my life” style wailing, or just be distracted for the evening, I’m your girl.  If you want to cry, I can handle it.  If you want to be distracted, I’m willing to be a clown in order to make you laugh.  If you want to be unreasonable, I will encourage your outrage until it stops being cathartic, and then I will help to calm you back down.  I will indulge you in almost anything just so that you can get from one minute to the next until the pain is not so acute.

So, Bills fans, I say this next thing with love in my heart.  I say this as someone who is looking at this situation from the outside, and as someone who has your best interests in mind.  There are many things I will allow you to say and do today.  You’ve had a really, really rough day, and you deserve to be pissed, depressed, and sad.  You’ve earned the right to wallow.  You are free to throw temper tantrums, and cry and carry on in all manner of undignified ways, but there is one thing (just one) that I will not indulge.

God does not hate Buffalo, and Buffalo is not cursed.  That is hogwash and I won’t stand for it.

Now, let’s go get drunk, hit on bartenders, and cry until we laugh.  Come on.

Dude.

POOR COREY MCINTYRE!

Months after we all got sick of making jokes about him and his alleged public masturbation, HE’S CLEARED OF ALL WRONG DOING.  It really WAS mistaken identity, probably with a dash of “unfair racial profiling”, and DEFINITELY with a hearty dose of “unreliable witness”.

I suppose there are worse things that could happen to an innocent man than being accused of masturbating outside the window of an old woman, but as far as false accusations go THIS ONE IS PRETTY BAD.

I hope that McIntyre is the recipient of some kind of delightful karmic compensation for this humiliation, because according to my scorecard, the universe owes this guy.  Big time.

Buck Up, Buffalo.

I really think everyone needs to calm the eff down about the Terrell Owens stuff.

If you are honestly surprised/shocked/upset by any of this, well, then this is more of a “shame on you” situation.

Let’s just let this silliness role off our backs.  This doesn’t have to be a sign of the end of civilization as we know it.  This the T.O. Show.  It’s nothing.   It’s nonsense.  It’s absolutely nothing new, and we knew it was coming.

Buffalo needs to buck up, because it’s only going to get worse.  People in far away places are going to make fun of us, and we will have the choice to get all worked up, and act all insecure, or, we can have a sense of humor and let it go.

Look, Buffalo is an easy target.  We’re easy to make fun of.  WHO CARES?  They were making fun of us before Terrell Owens got here too.  It’s no biggie.

Here are the things that are NOT going to happen:

1. People in the media are not going to stop pushing this.  This is money in the bank.

2. Certain Buffalonians are NOT going to stop eating this up.  I’m too lazy to do ANY research, but I’m willing to bet that T.O. has caused a big, undignified scene in every town he’s ever played.  We are not being uniquely stupid.  This stupidity is a worldwide epidemic.

3.  T.O. is not going to be a quiet teammate.

This is the circus we signed up for when we said, “Yay!  Terrell Owens!”  It doesn’t have to consume us and it doesn’t have to make us feel badly about who we are.  It’s show business.

Either ignore it, or embrace it, but please don’t act like this is a surprise.

Drafty

I’ve been thinking a bit about the NFL draft.

I’m not really a football fan.  I mean, I watch it when it’s on and surrounded by beer and tasty snacks, but I don’t follow it closely, and I certainly don’t care about the NFL draft.  But I do understand the appeal.

Unlike the NHL draft, where the players are drafted as zygotes, and after the draft disappear into Canada to play in juniors (possibly never to be seen or heard from again), the guys in the NFL draft will be on the team next year. If there was a similar NHL draft, and I could be dreaming of a couple of new NHL-ready, beard growing, gritty Sabres, you better believe I’d LOVE that draft.  I’d talk about it incessantly, and I’d devote post after post to all the potential ways we could get rid of half the Sabres and replace them with new, foxy college kids.

I can’t possibly be the first person to point this out, but the Bills drafted a player who looks just like the kid from Bad Santa.  Bad Santa is one of the most heart warming movies ever made, so I think this bodes well for the Bills.

WIN

And that concludes my in-depth analysis of the 2009 NFL draft.  See you next year!

I leave town for three days….

….and when I get home Terrell Owens has his feet up on the coffee table.

There is no way this is going to end well, but honestly, who cares?  It really wasn’t going that well in the first place.  It will definitely be fun before it gets unbearably insane.  Against my better judgment, I’m in.