Archive for the 'Never Again' Category

Goodbye, Cruel World

One thing I really don’t enjoy about the discourse surrounding the Sabres (and all sports, really) is the constant yammering of people trying to prove a point. Like all human beings I am prey to the instinct to argue, and I have certainly engaged in some arguing over the last few weeks (Teppo’s suspension got me seriously revved up). I like being “right”, and I’m irritated when someone else is loudly proclaiming something I perceive as “wrong”, but at the very core of my personality I don’t enjoy arguing. I never have. I am a Minnesotan, after all. For me, arguing is a lot like eating at McDonald’s: pretty enjoyable while it’s happening, but totally heinous thirty minutes later.

Call me crazy, call me a fair weather fan, call me a girly-girl, but I don’t want to argue about the Sabres. I want to experience the season at face value. Of course I want them to win the Stanley Cup, but I think I can enjoy the season even if they don’t. I want to love the team (even when they suck), and I don’t want to defend, or even discuss my decision to to do so.

I have come to realize that the only way to stay inside of my happy bubble is to avoid the big, cruel world. So, goodbye Buffalo News, goodbye WGR, goodbye Sabres message boards, goodbye to many of the blogs I read. You are like crack, and you know what? Crack is whack.

Hello, Brain of Katebits!

The nice thing about the Brain of Katebits is that even if the Sabres go 0-82, I can still happily entertain myself by analyzing the hair-dos on the bench. I’m still in the phase of my hockey fandom where hockey is a happy thing, and I’d like to prolong this honeymoon for as long as possible. Those who enjoy such things can go right ahead and argue about the next 80 games. I’ll be here, writing fake letters to Toni Lydman (Dear Toni, don’t change a thing), and organizing my fantasy team according to age, height, and “locker room” presence. (The Fancy Bits are going to win it all this year, even if the Sabres don’t.)

12 to Remember That Recapping Sucks

I now present to you my pathetic attempt at recapping a game.

I have been purposely avoiding the Sabres 12 to Remember because of their high ex-co-captains content, but this game is watchable because both captains are out. Briere has the flu, and Drury’s head is still scrambled thanks to Chris Neil.

Do me a favor and don’t read this as a recap, but more of a record of Kate’s stream of consciousness while watching a game. Reading over this, I have to admit, I describe basically no hockey. Instead, you are “treated” to the experience of watching a game in my head. Please remember that I am a new fan, and I have very little experience watching games, much less describing them.

The first ten minutes of the game were total disaster from a recapping perspective, so just trust me when I tell you, nothing really happens. If I were devoted to this exercise I would go back and re-recap the first 10 minutes, but frankly, I’d rather die. So, for our purposes, this game begins at 9:32.

Enjoy (snort).


9:32 Crunchy is way out of position and Hank helpfully swats the puck away on his behalf. Nice teamwork Crunchy and Tallinder! Crunchy, you owe Hank a beer, or some glögg, or whatever the hell Swedes drink.

After some uncalled penalty-looking messiness in the corner, RJ loudly exclaims, “Lindy Ruff is about to have kittens!” Heh. I am distracted now, imagining Lindy birthing a litter of kittens. All of the guys on the bench will have to grab a little kitten and hold it in his huge hockey glove to protect it from harm. Aww. After the game, the Sabres will put all of Lindy’s kittens in a cardboard box and stand around cooing at them in the hotel. Thank God Drury isn’t here for this. He’s allergic to cats and he is adamantly opposed to cuteness of any kind. What a pill.

5:50 Good work Pommers! 1-0! Pommerdoodle, you are SO my favorite teeny-bopper Sabre. Everyone comes together for some adorable helmet nuzzling. See? You guys don’t need those slag-faced ex-captains. They were holding you back all along.

Game recaps are harder than they look.

4:02 Ohh. Staffy almost does something really cool but instead opts to try on some fancy pants. Rather than scoring, he draws a penalty.

3:14 Everyone is swatting away at some poor Leaf who has fallen down on the puck in front of the net. Staffy gets punched in the head for his trouble. Sorry dude, but you kind of deserved that punch in the head. Roy amusingly tries to jump to Saffy’s defense. Roysie, you’re so tiny and funny.

Now that I have eliminated Paetsch and Hecht, I totally love them the most.

Ooooh, good work! Toni Tony Tone Lydman is defending Crunchy like his life depends on it.

2nd period

19:02 Heh! Hank loses the puck behind the net which requires a flying dive across the crease by Crunchy. Suddenly, Crunchy reminds me of the Purple Pie Man, absurdly skinny and leggy, windmilling across the ice. Okay Hank, now you owe Crunchy a glögg. Crunchy gives Hank the evil eye, and Hank skates sheepishly back to the bench.

15:37 Tallinder sort of gracefully tackles a Leaf at center ice. That was weird, Hank.

15:10 Yay! Drew Stafford with the wrap-around! 2-0! RJ screaming about the wrap-around totally makes me giggle. Hopefully he’ll say something about someone being “stuck in his own end” soon.

I guess when Briere is out, Lindy just puts Peters in for the whole game. Damn, this is a lot of Peters.

10:59 Vanek misses his shot on the breakaway pass.

10:10 Kaleta gets all punchy in front of the net. Mair seems highly amused by this, but he’s ready to fight. Oh Mairsy, I love how you manage to be both punchy AND good natured.

I can’t believe I’m only half way through this game. Recapping is too hard. You guys better be enjoying this, because it’s the last recap you’re ever gonna see.

8:01 Woo-hoooo! Good work Roysie! 3-0! MSG shows all of the Buffalo fans in the crowd. Of which there appear to be three.

7:35 Mair clobbers someone at the net. Nice.

We hear a lot more than I need to hear about Briere’s foot and mouth disease, or whatever hobbit illness he has. Whatevs, Briere.

4:12 Whoops. Leafs score. 3-1. It’s okay, Crunchy. You’re doing great.

Have I ever mentioned how I hate when the players push their mouth guards out of their mouths and chew on them? I hate that. It’s gross, boys.

3:31 The game feels like it is spinning out of control. Everyone is flopping all around and diving ineffectually. The madness finally ends when Crunchy holds onto the puck and the whistle blows. See, if Drury was here, the Sabres would not get all worked up like this. He’s the calming influence. Have you guys been eating spicy food or something? Are you listening to music again? Without Drury I get the feeling you kids have been laughing, and snacking, and napping sporadically. Next year is going to be a disaster without Drury. Who is going to hand out the Demerits for Unnecessary Merriment? Wipe that smile off your face Mairsy! This is a hockey game, not some sort of carnival ride!

1:32 Oooh! 4-1! My defensive boyfriend Toni Tony Tone Lydman scores a goal! ….oh wait….that was Hecht. Aw, whatever….everyone gather round for some helmet nuzzling! You better live it up before Drury gets back. He hates helmet nuzzling.

I’m ready for Vanek to score a 10 million dollar goal. Maybe next period.

3rd period

Is it just me, or does Kaleta really like to knock guys over?

Thomas Vanek totally squanders a pretty pass from Staffy. RJ notes that Thomas Vanek is having trouble scoring goals. No kidding. I’m the stupidest hockey fan in the world and even I can see that much. Oh, TV. Don’t you see what you have done? You’re never allowed to slump for a few games again.

14:39 WHoo-ooo! Yo-Yo scores! 5-1! In the celebration I notice that Jochen is wearing an “A” tonight. Hey, nice one, Yo-Yo. As he skates away from the hug circle, Yo-Yo blows a bubble with his gum. Are you sure its such a good idea to chew gum while you play, Jochen? I mean, Drury’s not here tonight. If you start choking there won’t be anyone to give you the Hemlich Maneuver. I’m assuming that was gum. Repeated slow motion play backs do not confirm that Yo-Yo is chewing gum, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a florescent green mouth guard. No, that distinctive green color can be one thing, and one thing only: Green Extra. Yo-Yo, I’ve made a terrible mistake with you. Please forgive me.

People are leaving the arena in droves in the face of our awesomeness. Drury and Briere, egos bruised, are on the phone with their agents right now.

Oh my god. Shots of Jochen sitting on the bench are so adorable I want to jump up and down while clapping my hands and squealing. He also does not appear to be chewing gum. Drury must have called in from home and ordered him to spit it out.

9:49 Thomas Vanek blows it again. SLAG-FACED WHORE! At least he looks properly ashamed of himself.

9:03 The puck ends up on top of the Sabres net and Crunchy makes some amusing jerky moves in an effort to pretend he knows where it is. He looks like a cat chasing a sunbeam. Speaking of cats….I wonder how Lindy’s kittens are doing?

7:53 Oooh. Stafford is so fancy. Fancy, but in this particular case, ineffectual.

6:49 Pommers hits about 59 rebounds in a row, but none of them go in. Pommerdoodle is so fun. If you keep throwing that stick, he’ll chase it all day.

6:12 Yeah! 6-1! Clarke MacArther gets a shot on a wide open net.

Okay. We have now reached what I know to be the final score. I’m going to watch the rest of the game, but not recap. This is WAY beyond my abilities as a fan. The flow of the game is totally destroyed by the pausing and the rewinding, and I simply don’t have the experience or the vocabulary to pull off a good recap. If you want a good recap, you should stick to the professionals.

(Okay, here’s one more little recappy bit: Kaleta’s Carruba Collision of the Game is hilarious because of the “I am such a stud” pose he strikes as soon as he knocks his man over. Hee. You are a stud Kaleta. Good work.)

Well, this was an interesting little experiment, but I think that if I tried to regularily recap games, I would have to claw my eyes out in anger and frustration. I had to discard the vast majority of the crap I wrote, so even though this took me three and a half hours, I have very little to show for my efforts. Frankly, I can’t even remember why I like blogging or hockey anymore.

Recapping has destroyed my will to live. The terrorists have won.

…A Blog About the Buffalo Sabres

Observations 2
I can be reached at: willfulcaboose [at] gmail [dot] com

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