Hockey Is Awesome

That game did not end how I wanted it to end, but overall, I feel pretty warm and fuzzy about the whole thing.  Cheering for Team USA was a joy, and at the center of that joy was our very own Ryan Miller.  Hockey could not have put on a better show for the Olympics, and I’m proud to call myself a fan of this sport.

Now, it’s time to come home, Crunchy!  We’ll be very gentle with you for the next few weeks.  We promise not to bug you at Wegmans.  We’ll just quietly send you good vibes, and it will be straight from our very grateful hearts.

Crunchy Calls TWC

Guess what, you guys!  Ryan Miller called me up earlier today and told me he wanted to give TWC an exclusive interview!  I know!  This is so exciting and unexpected!  I mean sure, Ryan is a nice guy, but who would ever expect him to go out of his way to give a lowly blogger an interview?  It’s almost too good to be true!

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Here’s the transcript of our conversation:

(phone rings)

Katebits: (answers phone) You’ve reached TWC headquarters.  Whenever there’s trouble, we’re there on the double.  How may I direct your call?

Ryan Miller: I’d like to speak to Katebits.

Katebits: Speaking.

Ryan Miller: This is Crunchy.

Katebits: Shut up, Heather.  I know it’s you.  STOP PRANK CALLING ME, BEEYOTCH. (hangs up)

(phone rings)

Katebits: (answers phone) You’ve reached TWC headquarters.  Whenever there’s trouble, we’re there on the double.  How may I direct your call?

Ryan Miller: I’d like to speak to Katebits

Katebits: Speaking.

Ryan Miller: This is CrunchyDON’THANGUP!

Katebits: Heather, I’m serious.  I’m gonna call the cops.  Leave me alone.

Ryan Miller: I SWEAR I’M CRUNCHY.

Katebits: Oh really?  Well, if you’re Crunchy, tell me something only Crunchy would know.

Ryan Miller: Lindy Ruff wears a mustache toupee.

Katebits: OH MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!  Holy mackerel.  That’s scandalous.  Hm.  Well, that’s proof enough for me that this is Ryan Miller.

Ryan Miller: Please, call me Crunchy.

Katebits: Thank you.  I will.  So, Crunchy, how may I help you?

Ryan Miller: I just wanted to tell you that I am going to win the gold for SURE.  Like, for SUPER DUPER MEGA FOR SURE.  I guarantee it.  You can write that down on your blog.  ALSO, my girlfriend is going to win an Oscar.  AND as god is my witness, by this time next year, I will be able to fly. You have my personal guarantee.

Katebits: (furiously scribbling all of the information down) Okay, let me make sure I’ve got all of this- You are guaranteeing that the Americans will win gold, that your girlfriend will win an Oscar, and that you will learn to fly by the end of the year?

Ryan Miller: Correct.

Katebits: How are you going to fly?  That seems like a REALLY difficult task.

Ryan Miller: I can’t really get into the details, but I’m in the early stages of an experimental treatment which will generate wings. You can write that down on your blog.

Katebits: You’re growing wings?

Ryan Miller: Correct.

Katebits: Wow.  This is going to be the blog scoop of the century.  It seems so out of character for you to be making such bold predictions.  Ordinarily you’re pretty careful not to sound too cocky.

Ryan Miller: Well this time I AM cocky.  I’m cocksure, if you will.  You can write that down on your blog.

Katebits: Alright, Crunchy.  I’ll put all of this on the blog, exactly as you told it to me.

Ryan Miller: Thank you, Katebits.  Also, Baba Booey.

Katebits: Sure thing, Crunchy.  Thanks for calling in. Best of luck tomorrow, and….Baba Booey, to you and your family as well.

(Katebits hangs up)

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So, there you have if folks!  We’re WINNING THE GOLD TOMORROW!  WOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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INCREDIBLY DISTURBING UPDATE: It turns out that WASN’T Ryan Miller.  It was that BEEYOTCH, Heather B*, pranking me. AGAIN.

The Willful Caboose would like to apologize to Ryan Miller for misrepresenting his name.  We would also like to apologize to his girlfriend, and to the scientists who are feverishly working to grow him wings.  We deeply regret this mistake.

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*We would also like to apologize to Heather B, who had absolutely nothing to do with this post.  We have no choice but to admit, that in this particular instance, she is not a beeyotch.

AMERICA. FUDGE YEAH.

When the Olympics are over, can we keep Parise, Kesler, and Drury?  (And by “we” I mean “The Sabres” aka: America’s Hockey Team) Pleeeeease?

I’ll be honest, I did NOT expect to get this wrapped up in USA Hockey.  I figured I’d sort of casually check out the teams, pick out a scrappy non-Canada/non-Russian favorite and spend the majority of the games praying that Ryan Miller escapes injury-free.  But no.  I’m in love with this.  I love Team USA.  I’m happily cheering for Rangers, and Devils, and LEAFS, and I just don’t even care.

This whole thing feels like a summer camp romance.  It’s temporary, and soon we’ll all go back to our regular lives (with the stupid old Sabres), but for now, it’s love.  Pure, giddy love.  I never want summer camp to end.

Own the Podium

While I was drinking my coffee and puttering around online this morning, I stumbled upon this article about the Canadian “Own the Podium” program.

Now look, I’m all for our Canadian friends picking up their fair share of medals, and I also applaud the idea that finishing 4th isn’t good enough, but good grief.  This program just seems so…un-Canadian.

Look what you did, Canada!  Now all your athletes are underachieving and freaking out under the pressure.  They’re crying when they lose because they feel like they’ve let the country down.  That’s not cool, Canada.  Canadians don’t need to dominate- you guys are supposed to be nice and chillaxed.  That’s your thing.  You don’t want to be like the USA and China and Russia.  Sure we win lots of medals, but we’re also kind of a-holes.  You guys are supposed to nicer than us.  Come on.

Anyway, the whole thing reminds me of the episode of Arrested Development when George Michael, encouraged by his well meaning but delusional father, decides to run for student body president.  I’ve had little clips of that episode running through my head all day, specifically the line, “Everybody loves you!  You’re George Michael CANADA! Who’s cooler than you?”

Vodpod videos no longer available.The thing is, everyone DOES love George Michael.
…(but we’re still voting for STEVE HOLT).

U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!

6 Things: EVERYONE Loves Crunchy Edition

I know I’ve been overly reliant on bullet points lately, but I don’t care!  WOOOOOO!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!

1. You know you’re all revved up about hockey when you wake up in the morning and the first thought in your head is “CRUNCH-Y!  CRUNCH-Y!  CRUNCH-Y!”  I can’t imagine a more fun introduction to Olympic hockey than this.  It’s amazing to feel such ownership of the US team.  For the zillionth time, thanks for being awesome, Crunchy.

2. Can you BELIEVE that the win last night set up a probable CAN/RUS non-medal game?  One of the two, either Russia or Canada, is going to leave the Olympics with nothing. Hell, it might turn out that Russia was the biggest loser last night.  That is MIND BOGGLING.

3. Admittedly, I’m being hugely influenced by Ryan Miller’s participation, but I’ve been surprised by my capacity to cheer for Team USA.  Before the Olympics began I was kind of worried about the “Drury Ick” factor.  I mean, cheering for my country is one thing, but cheering for Chris Drury and Phil Kessel? Gross!  Turns out, it’s no problem whatsoever.  In fact, when Drury scored last night I had a long moment of, “OMG…..I love that clutch-y guy.”  The only thing saving me from a complete Drury love-fest is his lack of a playoff beard.  I’d be toast if he had that beard right now.  T-O-A-S-T.

4. As much as I’ve enjoyed my temporary journey into sports-related jingoism, I do think everyone should cool it with the comparisons to the 1980 US team.   It’s rare that the USA gets to enjoy being the underdog, but let’s not blow this TOTALLY out of proportion.  I mean, our team is composed of NHLers too.  Crunchy may look like a homeless high school dropout, but in reality he’s a highly skilled professional who makes $6.25 million a year being a goalie.  That said, I love love love love love LOVE that our team is scrappier, hard-working-er, feistier, and heart-i-er.  Let’s just enjoy this win for what it is: TOTALLY PHONKING AWESOME on its own merits.  WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

5. I’ve watched the replay a dozen times and I STILL don’t understand how Ryan Kesler got that puck into the open net.  From where I’m sitting it looks like Kesler just magically out-hotted it past Corey Perry.

6. I thought Crunchy’s fresh-off-the-ice postgame interview was incredibly interesting last night.  He was so subdued.  He seemed overwhelmed and exhausted, but then there were occasional glimmers of child-like excitement in his answers.

I’ve written a bit about how Ryan Miller is interesting to me in my role as a performer (of music), and last night was one of those instances times INFINITY.  Last night he was on a huge international stage, he performed like a rockstar, but even when it was all over you could see that he was fighting to stay focused on the bigger goal.  This highly cultivated focus is why I’m fascinated by Ryan Miller, but the vulnerability he shows when he lets down his guard is why I adore him.  The interview last night had it all.

I am so grateful that Ryan Miller is the guy I get to watch every night playing in goal for the Sabres.  He’s always interesting, that guy.  Always.

Practically Speechless

I’m not sure how to even begin talking about how much I love Ryan Miller right now.  My heart is full of pride, pride, pride, on so many levels.

Mostly, I’m just kind of marveling that Crunchy is ours.  Can you BELIEVE that he’s ours?

I Should Be Asleep

Holy buckets, you guys.  I am pooped.

I had SUCH big plans for blogging today, but then everything got all haywire with the Canada/Switzerland hockey game, and I had NO energy left by the time the figure skating rolled around.  So, instead of liveblogging, I snarked on Twitter.

I really did mean to do a liveblog of the men’s figure skating, and I TRIED but the very first guy was wearing a blue top and black pants.  That’s it.  I mean, honestly.  How am I supposed to write about that?

A few thoughts:

– The hockey game was electrifying.  Hiller was a revelation, and the Swiss team really stood tall.  I’ve been pretty underwhelmed by Olympic hockey so far.  Sure, it’s nice to see Miller in the spotlight, but the hockey hasn’t been that interesting.  But THIS game felt like a triple overtime playoff game.  So exciting, so fun, so under-doggy.

– I like how there are Olympic rings on the top of the goal nets.

– I admit it. I was cheering for Plushenko.  I’m not even sure why, because I can certainly see that he’s disgusting in almost every way.  The heart wants what the heart wants, I guess.  My friend Mike says Plushenko looks like the pirate with one eye from Pirates of the Caribbean, otherwise known as Gareth from the British Office.  When I protested that Plushenko is much more menacing than that guy, Mike said, “Plus, he’s got both eyes and he’s not a pirate.”  To which I said, “He might be a pirate.  You don’t know.”

– I’m thinking, if Olympic hockey wants to be on television maybe it should consider adding commercial breaks. This seems like a ridiculous no-brainer to me.

Draft Post

I try to jot down little blogging ideas as they flit through my brain because if I don’t I forget all about them.  This is especially important when I’m watching something like the Olympics and I’m writing about things that I know next to nothing about- like curling.  If I don’t write down my randoms thoughts down, I forget I ever thought them.

Ordinarily I’d make a small list of little observations as a draft and then flesh it out later in a “Things” post.  For some reason, I think this short list is funnier without elaboration.  (Make sure to follow the link.)

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– I think curling is my best last chance for becoming an Olympian.  It’s never too late.

– Jeremy Roenick vs. Mike Milbury.  Maybe it will come to blows? *fingers crossed*

– http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/post/385824028/bacon-cheese-turtleburgers-ground-beef-pattie

– I hope the curlers are getting laid right and left in the Olympic Village.

What I Think About the Olympics Today

– Every d-bag hipster in the world claims to like curling, and as a result, I’ve been scoffing at curling for years.  Well, today I finally got around to watching curling, and you know what?  Call me a douchebag hipster, but curling really is pretty fun.  It’s oddly mesmerizing.  You certainly couldn’t call it action packed, but it held my interest for HOURS this afternoon.  I’m a convert.  I totally love watching curling, and unlike every single other sport in the world, I’m vaguely interested in learning to curl myself.  I know!  I’m such a jock!

– Olympic hockey is a hoot and a holler.  I really wasn’t sure that I’d enjoy it, but I looooooved seeing Crunchy out there in his USA uniform.  It very cool to see him in a different role for a different team.  I also liked seeing him wear number 39.  He seemed extra sassy in that number.  Maybe he should switch!

The Canada/Norway game was less fun, but I suppose it was inevitable.

– Speaking of Norway….A few years ago I took an audition in Norway, and I would have moved there had I won the job.  Because of my trip and because I’m ridiculous, I consider myself semi-Norwegian.  I like to root for the Norwegians.  If it’s a man, I assume he would have been my boyfriend had I moved to Norway.  If it’s a woman, she probably would have been my Norwegian BFF.  Go Norway!

– I had planned on writing a whole post about how I think pairs figure skating is the best Winter Olympic sport because of the costumes and the often hilariously vicious body language between the pairs who screw up, but right now I’m watching the men’s short program, and I’m full of doubt.  THIS might be the best sport in the Winter Olympics.  The male divas!  The huge jumps!  The sequins!

– When the Ookies were here someone noticed that Dick Button wears the BIGGEST shoes on earth, and now whenever he’s on screen all I can see are his giant clown shoes.

6 Things

1. I had the BEST weekend.  Schnookie and Pookie came to visit from New Jersey, and Heather essentially moved in for the weekend.  Then, last night Amy and McGuffer’s came over and we all snarked about the pairs short programs.  Thanks for a great weekend, guys!

2. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  The Sabres are gone, and the Olympics are here!  You may recall from the 2008 Summer Olympics that I am a BIG fan of all things Olympic-y.  I love the weirdie sports, but I’m not going to lie, my curiosity about Olympic hockey is reaching a fevered pitch.  I can’t WAIT to see Crunchy in action tomorrow, and I looked at the Canadian roster this afternoon and for the first time the fourth line of Toews-Iginla-Richards really sunk in.  That. Is. Insane.  (I’ll be rooting against Canada though.  Not sure why.  I guess just because a Canadian loss would provide the highest possible levels of schadenfreude.  What can I say?  I’m a beeyotch.)

2. In several minutes I will be PASSIONATELY rooting for that old geezer Chinese couple to win the gold in figure skating pairs.  I think they’re the cutest.  No schadenfreude there, please.

3. Sports that I think are dumb: luge/bobsled/skeleton, and ski jumping.

4. Sports I think are surprisingly AWESOME: Everything involving cross-country skiing.

5. Johnny Moseley is hilarious to me.  I wish he called all of the events.  He sounds like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and I love him.  I spent the duration of the moguls events echoing everything Moseley said with, “Duuude” at the end.  I’m sure that wasn’t annoying at all.