The Jaws Of Victory

I used to have a cat named Trixie. Trixie wasn’t the brightest. Once I watched her bat around an ant for a good ten minutes. (Now that I’ve written that last sentence, I’m wondering if maybe this story says more about me than it says about Trixie.) Anyway, eventually Trixie ate the ant and I was all, “Good work, Trix. You got him.”

But then, Trixie looked over at me all wide-eyed, and she stuck out her tongue, and the ant fell out of her mouth and onto the ground.  I kid you not, THE ANT STOOD UP, BRUSHED HIMSELF OFF, AND SAUNTERED AWAY. I think I heard him whistling a little “don’t mind me,” song as he nonchalantly slipped out of Trixie’s reach.

The Sabres reminded me of that ant tonight. I do not know how they walked away from that game victorious, but they did.

(Actually, I do know how they did it: MILL-ERRRRRRRR!)

What Might Have Been

I think I was pretty well-behaved during the limo event on Wednesday, but I did have one privately experienced moment of kooky Kate-ness during the drive.

At one point towards the end of the afternoon, I put my sunglasses in my purse and when I did, I was reminded that I’d brought Post-Its and a Sharpie along. (The reason I had Post-Its and a Sharpie in my purse is uninteresting and irrelevant, but I’d like to be clear- I never had any intention of asking anyone for an autograph. I miiiiight’ve been hoping that Ted Black would let me put a Post-It on his lapel that said, “Hello, My Name Is, Monsieur Homeslice Sir Rocks-a-lot,” but I digress.)

Anyway, I saw these Post-Its and I suddenly had a perfect vision of what I would do with them if I were living in “Kate’s Whimsical Dream World” instead of “reality.”

For a few brief seconds I daydreamed about surreptitiously taking out the Post-Its, writing a big “C” on one of them, quickly slapping it on Vanek’s jersey, and then before he realized what was happening, I’d take a picture of him.

I'll get you with this C in my dreams, Thomas Vanek.

These are the types of things that flash through your head when you’re riding in a limo with Thomas Vanek.

Meet Matt Phillips, Super Violist.

I’ve known Matt Phillips, a violist in the Buffalo Philharmonic, for about ten years now. For the first five years I knew him, he was basically just an ordinary violist like the rest of us. Matt was certainly never visibly out of shape, it’s just that he was no more or less athletic than your average classical musician.

At some point along the way, things changed. At some point, Matt started jogging. I say “at some point” because from my perspective, one day Matt was just a regular, non-runner like most people, and the next day he was… running marathons. It seriously seemed like it happened overnight. Even now, if you ask Matt, “So, let me get this straight. One day, out of the blue, you just started running extremely long distances?” he’s just like, “Yeah, pretty much.”

Matt is obviously really good at running. He’s also really good at the viola. He seems to be some new breed. A “Super Violist”, if you will.

First he will try to defeat you by playing the viola, and if somehow that doesn't work, he will beat you in a foot race. Enemies, beware.

Now whenever Matt takes a day off from work we all assume that he’s running a race somewhere. When he returns to work he’s always extremely nonchalant about whatever ridiculous feat of strength he’s accomplished.  I don’t know much about racing, but Matt always seems to place very high, and sometimes he even wins the race. (My favorite story of Matt winning a race is when he won the Erie Philharmonic’s 5k. Orchestras are very supportive of one another, because as an industry there is absolutely no benefit to being competitive. That said, it’s still amusing when someone in one orchestra wins the 5K of another orchestra.)

Why am I writing about this on my hockey blog? I’m glad you asked!

Yesterday, Matt ran in the “Hamburg Character Chase”. If I’m reading the race results correctly, he placed 5th overall, and 1st in his age group. That’s some pretty good running, Matt!

Here are the results. I’ve blocked out most of the other names because I don’t know if it’s kosher to re-post race results, but please scroll down for an amusing surprise.

It’s official. The Buffalo Philharmonic Orchestra has defeated the Buffalo Sabres on the field of athletics. When the Sabres feel they are ready to challenge us to a Battle of the Orchestras, we will be ready to defend our turf.  For now… advantage, BPO.

Your move, Sabres.

 

 

Life After Sabres

This has nothing to do with anything, but I got temporarily wrapped up in the royal wedding today. I fully concede that the whole thing is nonsense, but I do love a spectacle. I’ve always gotten a kick out of the royals (how about those Fergie daughters today? Hillllarious), but I’ve never paid super close attention to them.

Anyhooch, I spent a few minutes tonight reading about Diana and Charles’ wedding, and, as things tend to go on the interwebs, one thing led to another, and then next thing I knew, I was looking at this picture.

Did they get this photo taken at Sears?

Made me laugh.

*Sigh*

I wish the Sabres were still playing.

2 Awesome Sabres Related Things That Have Recently Arrived In the Mail

1.  I’ve left two suggestions in the Sabres’ suggestion box so far.  Give us warm water in the bathroom, and give us prettier playoff tickets.

Done annnnnd done.

They're not the PRETTIEST tickets I've ever seen, but they are ONE MILLION times sassier than the plain old Ticketmaster playoff tickets I got last season.

 

 

2. Elise, wonderful, wonderful Elise wove me a Sabres potholder!  I KNOW!  This is particularly awesome because Elise is a Bruins fan. Who is better than Elise?  NO ONE!

Cute!

"My stove has spirit, yes it do. My stove has spirit, how 'bout you?!"

I really truly love my Sabres potholder.

Lesson #1: WHAT is Going On In Net?

If you’re a Sabres fan, you were probably jumping for JOY after the Hurricanes game on Sunday.  That was good, good stuff.  But Sabres fans were also likely feeling VERY confused.  Why does Miller look so… different?  When did Ryan Miller get so short? And Swedish?  And non-cranky?  What’s going on?

I understand.  This is a really confusing situation.  But don’t worry, Sabres fan.  I’m here to help.  We’re going to figure this out.

Sabres fans, let me try to spell this out for you, in clear, easy to understand language.  What we have here is, not one, but TWO GOOD GOALIES.

Before you freak out, let me say that again.

Not only do we have the first good goalie (Crunchy), but we ALSO have a new good goalie (Enroth).  Do you get it? Here… let me try to say it another way.  You know how before, when Crunchy got hurt, Lindy would play Lalime and everything would be non-stop losing and terribleness?  It’s not like that anymore.  Now, Lindy can play Enroth. Unlike Lalime, Enroth is good at playing hockey.  Now do you understand?

No?

That’s okay.  I’ve brought some helpful visual aids.

Good

ALSO good

Handsome, but not good. Most importantly, not relevant to the conversation.

Don’t feel bad if you don’t understand at first.  Take your time.  This is a difficult concept to grasp.

The Sabres are in the middle of a super tight playoff race, and our starting goalie is injured in some mysterious upper-body-ish type way.  BUT (and here’s where it get’s tricky), all hope is not lost.  You see, Enroth, appears to be really, really good under pressure.  The Sabres are winning IN SPITE of Miller’s injury, because they have an additional good goalie.  Get it?

If you call yourself a Buffalo Sabres fan, and you’re not just a little bit in love with Jhonas Enroth, you need to go to the doctor to make sure that you actually have a heart and that you’re still capable of love.  Because Jhonas Enroth is the bees knees. Jhonas Enroth is a breath of fresh air, he’s the light of our lives, he’s little cutie pie.  Jhonas Enroth is adorable, and fancy, surprising, hilariously small, and (as far as I can tell) wonderful in EVERY way. Jhonas Enroth is all that and a delicious Swedish meatball.  He’s AWESOME, but he is a different person than Ryan Miller.

Jhonas Enroth is the effing BEST.  He’s the best….except for Ryan Miller.

1 good goalie + 1 good goalie = good times.  It’s science!

Tune in tomorrow for lesson #2: Who the Eff are These Guys?

We thought he sucked, but he doesn't.

He's tiny, but he's also good at hockey. Apparently.

NOT Max Afinogenov

This guy is a Sabre.

Not chopped liver

I have no idea who this is.

Whut?

Pommerdoodle Is Bringing His “A” Game

Jason Pominville has always been the cuddliest of the Sabres, but when exactly did he turn into an actual Muppet?

Good boy, Doodle!

And don’t forget, Sabres fans, “The Willful Caboose = Hard Hitting Sabres Analysis”.   We bring you the news that other Sabres outlets are afraid to touch.

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Total aside: In my research for this post I stumbled upon this video.  TWC readers above the age of 30 may remember this classic clip where Bert tries to give Brad a bath but Ernie comes along to fill the tub with millions of toys.  Ernie gets silly, Bert gets exasperated, everyone wins.  I totally forgot about Bert’s adorable nephew Brad.

That little guy is almost as cute as Pommerdoodle.

Nonsense

This photo from the today’s Buffalo News made me laugh.  I’m not sure if these guys are celebrating a goal or what, but they do NOT look celebratory.  They look very…concerned for Yo-Yo.

Yo-Yo: You guys. Check out this thing growing on my neck.
Gerbe: Dude, Yo-Yo.  You should get that checked out by a doctor.
Myers: Seriously.  Gerbs is right.  Maybe that thing is the reason you suck at hockey.
Sekera: That thing can explain why Yo-Yo sucks, but why do YOU suck, Mylers?
Gerbe: Oh snap.

Hockey Player Money Is Different Than Viola Player Money

I was fiddling around with my personal budget today, and for one reason or another, I got to thinking about NHL salaries.

Take Thomas Vanek, for example.

Vanek makes $7,142,857 per year.

I have NO idea what sort of taxes you have to pay when you make that kind of money, and I’m waaaay too lazy to try to figure it out, so for simplicity’s sake let’s just say that with taxes, agent fees, union fees, and of course the dreaded escrow, Thomas Vanek only sees about 50% of his annual salary in the form of cash. I actually suspect that it’s much less than that, but I like “50%” because it means I just have to press “÷ 2” on my calculator to figure out his (totally made-up at this point) take-home pay.

So, at the most, Vanek is taking home a measly $3,571,428.50 in cash a year.   I know!  How does he survive?

When I started thinking about writing this post, I DMed Mike Harrington on twitter, and he was nice enough to answer a few questions.  According to Mike, hockey players only get paid during the regular season (meaning no paychecks during the preseason, which I think is a little odd), and they get paid every two weeks.   Don’t even try to pretend that information isn’t strangely interesting.

A hockey season is between 25-28 weeks long.  Let’s call it 28 weeks, because it’s a nice round number.  We’ll pretend this is an Olympic year, and therefore a longer season.

So, you take $3,571,428.50 and divide it by 28 weeks, and then you multiply that by 2 to figure out what Thomas Vanek’s paycheck looks like.

$255,102.07

According to my (super scientific and not-at-all based on complete guesses) calculations, Thomas Vanek gets a paycheck for $255,102.07 every two weeks during the hockey season.

Now, I didn’t do all this math (math is hard!) so that we can marvel at how rich Thomas Vanek is, and I definitely didn’t bring it up to cast negative light on Vanek’s salary.  He’s a highly skilled and incredibly rare athlete.  All the power to him, I say.

But, the idea of getting a paycheck for a quarter of a million dollars is downright hilarious to me.  I actually did the math on this, like, five times, because the number seems so preposterous when I think about it in the form of a paycheck.

The number brings up all sorts of amusing questions.

Do you think he has direct deposit?  I have direct deposit at work, but my boss still walks around on payday handing everyone their fake checks.  Does Larry Quinn come through the locker room every other Friday and hand everyone a ridiculously huge check?   Is Thomas Vanek’s locker at HSBC filled with pay stubs for a quarter of a million dollars that all have, “this is not a real check” written on them?  Is it possible that Vanek DOESN’T have direct deposit?   Can you imagine Thomas Vanek standing in line at the bank, waiting to deposit his $250,000 after work on Friday? Do you think they get excited about payday the way we do?  Is Vanek ever all, “Oooh, I’m going to buy that new diamond-encrusted Escalade….but not until payday,” or is payday just totally meaningless?

Is it possible that some of the younger guys are so bad with their money that they ever run out?  That seems unlikely.  I think the more likely scenario is that guys like Tyler Myers wind up with, like, $500,000 in their checking account by the end of the season.  Then they go home to bumblefuck-wherever in the summer and talk to their family accountant and he’s all, “Dude.  You can’t keep all of your money in your checking account.  You have to invest this shit.”  And then Tyler Myers is all, “Okay.  Whatever you say Uncle Milt.  Do I have enough money to buy this diamond-encrusted iphone case?”  And Uncle Milt is all, “Yeah.  Totally.”

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These are the kind of things I think about.   I don’t know why.

Stinky Sabres

I had three revelations during that Sabres/Habs game.

1.  I almost never putter around the house during Sabres games anymore.  I used to do this all the time.  I’d multitask.  One eye on the game, and one eye on some other mindless chore.  A few minutes into the first period tonight I realized, “This is bullhonky and it’s making me cranky.  I need an additional activity.”  So, I spent the next period and a half painting the trim on my new window in the dining room while the game rambled on in the living room.  It was lovely.  I really enjoy twitter during the games, but sometimes I need to just experience a game quietly, and on my own terms.   As soon as I started painting I began to enjoy the game more.  Painting is therapeutic during the stinky Sabres games.  I might just paint the living room over and over and over again until the Sabres win the Stanley Cup.  That’s my new plan.

2. Scott Gomez has a bitchface.  He has a BIGtime bitchface.

3. I intend to refer to the Sabres as the “stinky Sabres” for the remainder of the season.  I think it’s cute and it makes me like them more.  Good work, stinky Sabres!