Okay, people, here’s how it’s gonna be. I know you’re used to a certain level of gentle coddling and digressive fooferal around here, but things have changed, and quite frankly, CrotchetyOriginalSam doesn’t much truck with those concepts.
We do truck in full and complete explanations of current events, however, so one supposes that you’re all owed a summation of the happenings that led to this hostile takeover of TWC. Here’s what happened: a couple of nights ago, HRM Katebits retired to her regally appointed BatShack here in the rain-soaked hills of southern New Hampshire, there to view a few late-night episodes of Monk and generally decompress from another busy day spent considering the needs of her loyal Caboosian subjects. By all accounts, the decompression went well, and at a reasonable time of her choosing, HRM shut down her MacBook, tucked the various bats and centipedes that share her abode into their little miniature beds made of matchbooks and tissue paper, and lapsed into the fitful dozing that passes for sleep when your bed is a piece of plastic-covered foam slapped on top of a sheet of plywood.
Tuesday morning dawned foggy and grim, an ominous sign of the horrifying events to come. Katebits arose at her customary hour of noon(ish), and blearily made her way up the Path Of Mysterious Burrowing Creatures That Sam Will Not Investigate to the Apple Hill farmhouse, hauling her now energy-depleted MacBook with her. She plugged it into the one working electrical socket within a five-mile radius, and hit the power button, ready to spend a leisurely afternoon composing yet another brilliant missive for all you little Buffaslug fans and hangers-on.
Strangely, the MacBook failed to respond. Katebits hit the button again, and tried the enter key and a few random function buttons as well, for good measure. But the computer remained as unresponsive as RJ Umberger after a friendly blue-line encounter with Brian Campbell. HRM does not suffer insolence patiently, and she stabbed furiously at the power button, wailing and crying furiously into the New England fog as the damnable machine silently mocked her devotion to her TWC subjects.
Anyway, long story longer, the power problem proved to be quite dire, such that even a daylong trip by wagon train to the next queendom over (which, unlike the BatQueendom, has its own Mac store) yielded no solution. As a result, the offending MacBook has been imprisoned in HRM’s private dungeon somewhere on Pitcher Mountain, there to think long and hard about what it has done, and Katebits finds herself effectively cut off from you, her adoring throng.
Which is where I come in. My HP Pavilion’s working just fine, and while I may not possess a great deal of knowledge of (or interest in) the city of Buffalo and its environs, I do know hockey, I appreciate a good beef on weck, and I have been known to consume large quantities of chicken wings and cheap beer on occasion, which I have been told is more or less your town’s official pasttime. So we’re stuck with each other for the rest of the week, it seems. Those of you who know me from the comments know where I’m coming from, I think, and while I can’t promise that I won’t display a certain amount of Western Conference/Minnesota bias in the entries to come, I’ll make an effort to tamp down (slightly) my usual contempt for Devils fans, the Dallas Stars as a concept, and the defensively inept style of speed skating and puck flipping that you East Coast types call “hockey.” In exchange, I do not care to hear any derogatory comments about Jacques Lemaire, Steve Downey, or any Western teams that you may perceive as slow and/or boring for the duration of my stay. I think we understand each other?
I’ll have more actual hockey-related content for you over the next few days. For now, however, TWC wishes to officially welcome Barry Melrose back to the National Hockey League, and to ask whatever took him so damn long to jump back behind a bench. In tribute to the old greaser, please spend a few hours today rating some mullets, thinking fondly all the while of the joy you used to take while watching Barry’s coif bob and weave across your screen on NHL 2Night…
The Willful Caboose 
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! This is TERRIBLE news! I’m so sorry about the laptop, Katebits!
Although the good news is that we get more OriginalCrotchetySam, in full-on, official blogger form. I’m so pleased to see what direction you’re going to take TWC in, Sam. I have one quibble with this post, though:
the defensively inept style of speed skating and puck flipping that you East Coast types call “hockey.”
Excuse me? I like how your Philadelphia-bred insecurities about the Devils are making you pretend like Minnesota was the spawning ground for Lemaire-ian hockey. I wouldn’t dream of pooh-poohing the Wild, but let’s not pretend they aren’t a less-talented and Stanley Cupless facsimilie of the Lemaire Devils. And more importantly, let’s not go assigning the concepts of “speed skating”, “puck flipping”, and “defensive ineptitude” to the conference that hosts such slogging, plodding, goal-smothering teams as the current Bruins, Rangers, and, yes, Devils.
Thank you.
/banning schnookie from commenter status…
Sam, Schnookie, I think you guys need your own radio show — can we suggest this to Schopp? (Also, Sam, as 50% of the Devils fans in the audience here, I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say, “By all means, don’t hold back. We can handle whatever you throw at us, Mr. Philly-Turned-Minnesota!”)
Katebits, I am so sorry about your computer! I say, just hit it against the counter until the bat living in it is dislodged. It should work fine then.
/banning schnookie from commenter status…
Well, if I’d known I was going to get banned on just one try, I wouldn’t have held back!
I’m scared. When is Kate coming back? :)
Sam,
If you can run over to Kabobi in EP and Fed Ex me anything off their menu I promise I will NEVER say anything bad about the Wild. In fact, I’ll take back everything I ever said bad about them when I was living there…Thanks! =)
What’s the deal with Gaborik? Do I want him in a Sabres uniform? What will you give me for a speedy Russian winger or a oft-concussed center?
This is an outrage! (Actually, this is a fabulous thing. My computer is busted, which is a perfect excuse to laze about letting my minions write my blog. heh.)
Heather B. –
Those occasional moments of brillance from Gaborik are, well brilliant. That said, he’s too much like Max (spotty moments and occasional, OMG did I really just see that! He totally undressed that guy) and Timmy (except its a groin not head issue). Overall, I think he’s overpaid for his spotty brilliance. If he was more consistant, I’d be all over him like white on rice. That said, I wonder if he would flourish under Lindy’s system. Hmmm….
Thanks, Chaz. Gaborik sounded very Max-like but I’ve only seen him play a few times so I didn’t know how accurate that was. And Max and Timmy combined? Sounds heavenly!
But you’re right, he doesn’t really play in a very offensive system in Minny, does he? Maybe Gaborik would enjoy a little defensively inept speed skating and puck flipping… We’re pretty damn good at that in Buffalo.
If you can run over to Kabobi in EP…
Sorry, Chaz, I stay the hell out of that evil little burb. Also, I’m in New Hampshire at the moment.
What’s the deal with Gaborik? Do I want him in a Sabres uniform? What will you give me for a speedy Russian winger or a oft-concussed center?
Second most of what Chaz wrote. You want him, but you don’t want to give up what it will take to get him this year. Wait for him to become a free agent, then throw a serious contract at him and wait patiently for him to ignore your crappy small market and sign with the Rangers. Then you can laugh when he pulls his groin again in November.
For a speedy Russian, you get an diminutive, entertaining, but one-dimensional French Canadian with a mildly effective spin-o-rama move. For an oft-concussed center, you may attend a week of Derek Boogaard’s fight camp free of charge.
By the way, re: Gaborik – I’ve never held with the notion that he’s handcuffed by the Minnesota system, because other than refusing to allow him to simply stand at the blue line and wait for passes, Lemaire doesn’t make him play the system. Furthermore, one of our local writers took a look at the numbers a while back, and realized that Gabby is consistently in the top five scorers if you weigh it against games or minutes played, meaning that it’s his long stretches of injury time, not the system, that is holding back his scoring.
Wait. Are you planning on talking about actual hockey during this hijack, Sam? My readers are accustomed to fake dialogs in which Paul Gaustad speaks in HONKS. Real hockey talk will be a real eye opener!
For an oft-concussed center, you may attend a week of Derek Boogaard’s fight camp free of charge.
Wow, that sounds like a pretty entertaining deal! Where do I sign?
My readers are accustomed to fake dialogs in which Paul Gaustad speaks in HONKS.
Seriously! I’m sitting here, my head spinning, thinking, “HONK?”
Wait. Are you planning on talking about actual hockey during this hijack, Sam?
Hell, I may even learn something.
(Katebits, learning is not nearly as entertaining when it isn’t in “Goose Talk”.)
I like English muffins. HONK!
Me too, Pookie. Me too.
My readers are accustomed to fake dialogs in which Paul Gaustad speaks in HONKS.
You mean those dialogues are FAKE and Gaustad really doesn’t speak in HONKS?! I suppose that you’re next going to tell me that Pommerdoodle doesn’t really speak in whimpers about sunshine, kittens, puppies and rainbows.
My world, it is rocked.