Like all Sabres fans, I’ve spent the better part of today wondering, “What went wrong? How did this happen?”
Before this series began, I didn’t know what to expect. This was my first experience with the fast pace of the playoffs, and even though the series outcome was ultimately disappointing, I think I learned a lot. For example, I can now definitively tell you, based on my experience as a fan, that getting knocked out of the first round of the playoffs BLOWS. I canNOT recommend that your team get eliminated by a division rival in the first round. No siree. If someone asks you if you’d like to see your team lose to the Bruins in round one, you should say, “NO,” loud and clear.
This might be confusing for some, so I’ve compiled a list of possible scenarios and suggestions for how you should react should any of these scenarios arise. Hopefully, if you follow these scripts, we can avoid this kind of devastating loss in the future.
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Scenario #1
Tim Connolly: Hey, Sabres fan! How would you feel about watching me skate around doing nothing for an entire playoff series?
You: BAD. PLEASE DON’T DO THAT.
Tim Connolly: What if, after it was all over, I told you I was comPLETEly healthy?
You: What? No! If you suck you better be hurt!
Tim Connolly: Nope!
You: No thanks, man.
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Scenario #2
Chara: Hello, Buffalo! I hear your babies are tender and delicious. I would like to eat them in front of you. Is this alright with you?
You: No, Chara. You may NOT eat our babies.
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Scenario #3
Lindy Ruff: I have a job for life!
Darcy Regier: It’s true, he does!
You: I’m not cool with this.
Lindy Ruff: And that’s why you’re BENCHED.
You: You can’t bench me.
Darcy: Yes he can. You…benched.
Lindy Ruff: And you know what else? Scoring goals is for weenies! CASE CLOSED!
You: I am 100% opposed to you right now.
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Scenario #4
Boychuk: I’m going to take out your best player.
You: ….Mike Grier?
Boychuk: NO NOT MIKE GRIER, THOMAS VANEK! I’m going to hobble Vanek. What do you think of that?
You: I am NOT IN FAVOR of that, you unbelievable bastard.
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Scenario #5
Jochen Hecht’s pinky: I am a delicate flower. Long and tapered. So pretty.
You: Are you required for playing hockey?
Jochen Hecht’s pinky: Surprisingly, yes.
You: Here. Take these steroids.
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Scenario #6
Thomas Vanek: I’m going to singlehandedly win this series for the Sabres!
You: Hell yeah you are! WOOO!
Thomas Vanek: ….unless I get hurt.
You: Are you going to get hurt?!
Thomas Vanek: Yeeeah. I am.
You: NO! BAD PLAN! THAT’S A BAD PLAN!
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Scenario #7
Torres: Hello.
You: Uh, hi McCormick.
Torres: My name is Torres. I was good in Columbus. Darcy traded for me at the deadline.
You: Whatever, McCormick. Whatever.
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Scenario #8
Crunchy: Hey, fan. I think I’m going to shave my beard into a mustache.
You: That is a GREAT idea.
Crunchy: I know. But…I hate to tell you this, but my mustache won’t make the powerplay any better.
You: I find that hard to believe.
Crunchy: Believe it.
You: Well then, I think you should shave your facial hair into a shape that WILL make the powerplay better.
Crunchy: Good idea!
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Scenario #9
Derek Roy: Remember how we never gave up leads during the regular season?
You: Yeah.
Derek Roy: What if during the playoffs, we DID give up leads? Wouldn’t that be exciting?
You: No. Absolutely not. That would NOT be exciting. NO.
Derek Roy: So, we should give up leads then?
You: NO, DO NOT GIVE UP LEADS.
Derek Roy: I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying, so I’m just going to go ahead and let the Bruins catch up.
You: NO. DO NOT DO THAT.
Derek Roy: Okay then. Giving up the lead, it is.
You: NO! NO! NO! NO! KEEP THE LEAD.
Derek Roy: Leads are lame. I hear you loud and clear.
*this is when you should strangle Derek Roy*
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Scenario #10
Hockey Gods: Would you rather miss the playoffs altogether, or watch the Sabres get creamed by a division rival?
You: I want them to make the playoffs.
Hockey Gods: Good call. Stay strong, Sabres fan.
You: Do I have any choice?
Hockey God: Nope.
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I hope this helps, dear reader! Next year we’re going to have to work together to avoid getting knocked out in the first round. If we stick to the system, we can succeed (…next year).
The Willful Caboose 
Getting knocked out of the first round sucks, but it inspired this post, so there’s the positive. My abs hurt from laughing at the mental picture of Chara being scolded for eating babies.
I’m a new, and part-time, Sabres fan. But I’m disappointed in how the season ended.
Sabres needs:
1) second scoring option: if teams shut down Vanek (or Boychuk whacks him with a stick), there’s little more there. Tyler Ennis – TYLER ENNIS – was tied for the team lead in points. Four. In five games. That simply doesn’t cut it. Vanek had three points in two games and, what? seven minutes?
Ennis also lead the team in shots. No lie.
Connolly had a nice statistical season, but isn’t “that guy.” Pominville also had four playoff points, but needs to prove he can be a consistent threat. Again, four points in six playoff games is nothing to write home about.
Honestly: 2.34 GAA, .926 SV% from Miller should win a series.
2) physicality: Gaustad can’t do everything. None of the “veteran core” top liners (Connolly, Roy, Pominville, Hecht, Vanek) seem to have any sort of physical presence; Kennedy/Kaleta have the will, but not the size. Grier and Rivet are 35.
3) drive, desperation and determination: watching some guys skate around after goals yesterday, you’d think they were playing a preseason game. And, for that matter, why did NO ONE stand up to Boychuk? He mauled Ellis and took out Vanek for almost three games. Not. Good.
4) deeper d corps: Tyler Myers, a rookie, was near the top of the team in ice time. Imagine, if you will, the defense if Myers doesn’t blossom unexpectedly. Upgrade Montador and Sekera.
5) no more Lalime. teams with Patrick Lalime on them don’t win. Period.
Lastly – heard the guys in WGR mention TWC and Kate on the Friday drive out of town. I voted for you for “Best Sports Blogger” in Buffalo Spree :-)
That was some much needed fun on the worst day of the year. #6 had me in tears. Thank you! I look forward to your ‘conversations’ if we make any changes during the off season.
Thanks guys! (And THANKS for your Buffalo Spree vote, Richard!)
McGuffers, I feel obligated to admit that the Chara eating babies joke is because of a video clip I saw years ago where a Canadian comedian asked Chara how many babies he eats before each game, and without missing a beat Chara said “two”.
The only good thing about the Sabres losing is that you write really funny posts afterward.
and without missing a beat Chara said “two”.
Ahahahahahahaha!! I still hate the Bruins, but that’s classic.
Chara: Hello, Buffalo! I hear your babies are tender and delicious. I would like to eat them in front of you. Is this alright with you?
You: No, Chara. You may NOT eat our babies.
AAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But seriously, some needs to strangle Derek Roy. For the good of the franchise.
erm, someone, that is.
I needed this so badly. Kate, you are made of awesome. <3
This made me feel so much better! I’m LMAO over here. Well done, Katebits!
Tears! I had tears reading this post. Love it! As for the Sabres, at least you got to experience the animal that is play-off hockey. It could be much much worse. You could be an Oiler fan like me and THAT is a very. sad. place.
This was amazing. You tell ’em, Katebits!
Really inspired writing.
Great read! Thanks.
Ahahaha! I loved the Derek Roy bit… The Sabres are lucky to have you!
Scenario #11
Goal Post: I’m going to make it so that it LOOKS like you’re gonna score a goal, but then make the puck bounce off at the last nanosecond.
You: Please don’t do that. Get glasses or something.
Goal Post: I have to. The Hockey Gods told me to.
You: There’s no such thing as Hockey Gods.
Goal Post: Do you really believe that?
Scenario #12
Tuukka Rask: I want to earn a nickname from Katebits, so I will be a better goalie than Crunchy Miller in Game 6.
You: But your whole name is, like, better than any nickname she can give you.
Tuukka Rask: I want a nickname. I must do it.
You: Go to hell. Your new nickname is poop.
Ruff needs to go… 14 years and no cup… his system does not work…we hear all the time the system works when they play it…. a system that demands no goals being scored does not work! fire ruff! and i’ve been a tim connolly fan since day one when we traded for him and i can’t tell you how pissed i was at his terrible performance…we should of sat him and played gerbe the whole time
I hate seeing the lovely lovely Ryan Miller lose.
His big wonky eyes look so sad.
And also, at least you have proper hockey. In England we just pretend to play hockey and flobber around on this unfamiliar substance called “ice”.
x