Free Agency, Day 2

(Darcy and Larry Quinn are lounging around a fancy office.  Darcy is leaned all the way back in a chair with his feet up on the desk, and Larry is laying face down, draped over a couch on the other side of the room. A phone is ringing.)

*ring*

Darcy: I’m bored.

Larry: Me too. (pause) I can’t wait for the fireworks this weekend.

*ring*

*ring*

Darcy: Fireworks are awesome.

*ring*

Larry: (Picking head up from couch) Would you PLEASE answer that phone.

Darcy: YOU answer it.

Larry: Dude, I’m the boss of you.  Answer it.

*ring*

*ring*

Darcy: It’ll stop in a minute.

*ring*

Larry: Do you have any gum?

Darcy: No…..chewed it. (snaps gum)

*ring*

*ring*

*ring*

Larry: Who do you think that is calling?

Darcy: I dunno.  Probably some GM.  They’ve been hassling me all day.

Larry: Ugh.  I hate those guys.

*ring*

*ring*

(Jochen Hecht bursts into the room)

Hecht: OH MY GOD WILL SOMEONE ANSWER THE FLIPPING PHONE?!  IT’S BEEN RINGING FOR TWENTY MINUTES!

(Darcy and Larry don’t move except to lift their heads to look at Hecht)

Larry: Answer it yourself, Fritz.

(Hecht sighs dramatically and picks up phone)

Hecht: (into phone) Darcy Regier’s office, this is Jochen Hecht speaking.  (looks down at Darcy Reiger who nearly horizontal in his chair and blowing bubbles with his gum) No….he’s not available right now.  Can I take a message?  (begins scribbling things down on a pad) Okay, okay, I’ve got it.  Thank you Mr. Burke, I’ll have him call you right back.  Goodbye.

Darcy: (not moving) The Burkinator.  That dude is kuh-RAZY.   What did he want?

Hecht: (reading directly off notepad) Check your email….asswipe.  Schenn for Tallinider is off the table.

Larry: HAHAHA!  Brian Burke called you an asswipe, Darce.

Darcy: (mumbling) Whatever.

Hecht: (tosses pad onto desk in disgust) Shouldn’t you guys BE WORKING?!

Larry: We ARE working. (pause) We just took a call from Brian Burke.

Hecht: No you DIDN’T!

Darcy: Jochen, this is my quiet genius at work, okay?  If you don’t like it, maybe you should go play for another team. (sarcastically) Oh wait….You CAN’T, can you?   Nobody WANTS you on their team, do they?

Larry: Heh.  Your contract is untouchable, dude.

(Pause)

Darcy: I’m hungry.

Larry: Me too.

Darcy: Oooh.  You wanna get Jim’s for lunch, Lare?

(Larry leaps off the couch)

Larry: HELLZ YEAH I DO!

(Darcy leaps out of chair)

Darcy: WOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Darcy and Larry high five and start a conga line out of the office)

End Scene

The Dust Settles…

….and every player in the league is now a Hab.

Free-Agency-eriffic!

Whaaaa?

Darcy signed a dude!  I REALLY did not see that coming.  His name is Steve Montador.

Here he is:

Hm.  Possibly douchy facial hair, but I like the caveman brow.

Analysis: APPROVED

In other news:

1.  The Blackhawks bought Soupy a new BFF (Hossa) for the next one hundred years.

2. Northtown Lexus is official over Daniel Briere, and now Paille seems to be their new spokesman.  His delivery of his radio ad confirms what I have long suspected: He can baaaarely read.

UPDATE

3. Spacek is a Hab!  I’m surprisingly grossed out by this.  3 years and 11.5 million seems pretty steep though.  Buh-bye, Spacek.

4. I’m sorry, Bulldog and Heather B.  TRADING ROY WOULD BE LUNACY.

UPDATE 2

5.  Dude, Montreal.  Save some players for the rest of us, please.

The Sabres Are Dumb

The Sabres trumpeted this information on their website and on Twitter:

All aboard the Lunch Express!  Next stop, tenth place!

I’d post a link, but the tweet has been deleted (good thing I took a screen shot!) and the information on the website has been changed. Apparently the segment will NOT be live, but taped in the morning, before free agency begins.

Still.

If I weren’t crying about the fact that our GM is wasting ANY time on July 1st with this nonsense, I’d be giggling about the fact that someone (probably SEVERAL people) at the Sabres organization thought this was a good plan.

Here’s how I’m pretty sure that went down:

Random PR dude: Hey, I know what Sabres fans want most on July 1st!

Hecht: For me to get traded?

Random PR dude: No!  They want the opportunity to ask Darcy Regier a softball question!

Hecht: Are…you sure about that?

Random PR dude: Of COURSE!  The Fans LOVE listening to Darcy drone on and on about his justification for doing nothing!  They LOVE it!  And do you know what else do fans love?

Hecht: ….?

Random PR dude: No, seriously. Take a guess.  What do fans love more than Darcy Regier?  Come on.  One guess.

Hecht:….um…..lunch?

Random PR dude: Exactly!  And trains!  Lunch, trains, and Darcy Regier!  It CAN’T FAIL!

Hecht: But shouldn’t Darcy be working, or at the very least be pretending to work tomorrow?  It’s the opening of free agency.  I think fans want to see change.  Won’t a “live” interview be sending the wrong message to the fans?

Random PR dude: Nah.  But what do you think Darcy?

Darcy Regier: Working?  On free agency day?  I’d be BURNED AT THE STAKE!  No!  The people want to ask me stuff!

Random PR dude: See!  It’s what the people want!  Trust me.  I know these things.  The Lunch Express is a big hit.  Next week we’re going to have an interview with Tom Golisano, but we’re not going to ask him any questions.  It’s just going to be ten minutes of him in Florida, sitting on a pile of cash, and making out with Monica Seles.  The Sabres fans are going to go NUTS for it!  WOOOO!

(long silence)

Hecht: I’d like a trade.

Darcy Regier: Well, too bad!  You’re untradeable!  WOOOOOOO!

Then, Darcy and the PR Department turn off all the phones, fax machines, and computers so the racket of other team’s GMs calling won’t interfere with the taping of the Lunch Express. Then they high five and start a conga line.

(I feel a little bad about this post.  I’m not sure that it’s cool to make fun of the Sabres PR people.  I think that athletes, coaches and GMs are fair game for bloggy meanness, but I’m less sure about the people working in the office.  Sorry, Sabres PR people! I couldn’t resist!)

(Now that I really think about it, this might be all Kevin Sylvester’s fault.)

(Blaming Kevin Sylvester for everything is fair, funny, and most likely totally accurate.)

Day Thirteen

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  All done.

Day Twelve (4 Things)

1.  I’m going to jump on the bandwagon and say, “YAY TWITTER!”  Anyone who poo-poos Twitter has never spent two weeks in the deep New Hampshire woods with only sporadic internet access.  Twitter has been HUGELY fabulous while I’ve been away.  Thanks to Twitter, I found out about Michael Jackson in a timely manner and I was able to follow along with the NHL draft while at the Apple Hill skit night.  Twitter is a great way to stay connected when you are away from a computer.  At this point in human history I demand to know what’s going on at all times, but I ALSO like leaving the house and stepping away from my computer.  That’s where Twitter is awfully handy.  Plus, it’s a hoot to see who rocks at Twittering and who sucks.

2. I hear Darcy drafted some big, punchy dude.  Excellent.

3. It sounds like Spacek is not going to be a Sabre next year.  That pisses me off a bit.  I get irritated when people act like losing Jaro is no big deal.  I think we still need him.  I know it’s still very early in the off season, but Darcy has a LONG way to go before I stop assuming the Sabres will suck next season.  A long long looooooooong way to go.

4. It also sounds like we should keep one eye on the Stafford situation.  I can’t quite put my finger on Staffy.  Part of me thinks he’s never going to pan out as a points leader, and part of me thinks that in a different system, with a different coach, he’s got the potential to be great.  I just have this hunch that Lindy and Staffy hate each other.  I’m wary of letting Stafford get away, but I’m also wary of giving him a contract based on his “potential”.  I’ve had it UP TO HERE waiting for the Sabres to live up to their potential.  Personally, I’d fire Lindy before I’d give up on Staffy, but I’m willing to admit that my judgement is wacky when it comes to these things.

Day Eleven

After lunch and dinner at Apple Hill we have a very informal concert for the camp participants in the Concert Barn.  This is the “practice” before the real concerts on Saturday and Sunday.  Today there was a thunderstorm so we had to close all the windows.  It was very cozy.

Day Ten

I’ll be honest, I just do NOT care about the draft.  I mean, I hope Darcy drafts us someone good, but I have absolutely no desire to try to form my own opinion about what he should do.  I’ll be pissed if Darcy drafts another mini-forward, but other than that….whatever.   I’ll worry about these kids when, and if, they ever show up in Portland.

These guys are just little babies.   I don’t enjoy evaluating them like pieces of meat.  Not yet.

Day Nine

I ate lunch in this little restaurant/grocery store in Harrisville, New Hampshire that was STRAIGHT out of Glimore Girls.  It was so Star Hollow that I half expected Luke to walk in, wipe the table down while I was trying to eat, and get exasperated by my fruity tendencies. (Because, I’m, um, soooo Lorelie.  Heh.)

Seriously.  This is what Harrisville looks like.  It’s full of friendly, interesting looking people who all seem to know each other.  I wonder if they have knit-a-thons, and starlight festivals, and a hilarious local nerd named Kirk.  I hope so.

Life is pretty good today.  Tonight I’m going to eat homemade Korean Barbeque, and then martinis.

I sat down at the computer to catch up with Sabres news, and there is none.  I know it’s still early, but I was hoping that half the team would be traded by now.  Move your ass, Darcy.

Day Eight

Faculty concert?  Check.

Now comes what might be my favorite day of the year- the day off at Apple Hill.  I’m going to spend all day tomorrow chilling in Keene, enjoying the big city lifestyle, and dreaming of the day when I too will have such glamorous amenities.