Toni Lydman is a Monster

Children cry. Ladies faint. Grown men flee in terror.

Poor, Toni Lydman! He kept reopening his cut, so now he has to live in this cage!

TWC has obtained exclusive information that Toni Lydman’s life is in shambles and he is living an increasingly isolated existence. Horrified by his unsightly appearance, his family is now making him sleep in the back yard, and his teammates are refusing to share a dressing room with him.

“I love Toni like a brother, but he’s freaking everybody out right now,” said teammate Ryan Miller. “I’m just trying to be the best professional goaltender I can be, but how am I supposed to concentrate with that…..thing….on the ice with us?”

Paul Gaustad shook his head sadly and said, “Listen. I spent the entire game yesterday tangling with Zdeno Chara, but when I went to sleep, I had nightmares about Toni. I feel bad for the guy, but I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t even honk anymore….I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.”

According to sources close to the Sabres locker room, Jason Pominville has refused to speak for the last two days, and his trainers are growing concerned. Said one of Pommerdoodle’s handlers, “Pommers can’t handle a lot of stress. Looking at Toni seems to have sent him into a deep mental retreat. He is no longer speaking. All he does is whimper. It just breaks your heart to see him so terrified.”

If you should encounter Toni Lydman and his horrible cage, please, look away, for your own safety. If you, or someone you love has been effected by Toni Lydman’s terrifying countenance, do not delay. Seek help immediately. You don’t have to suffer alone.

*******

(Yes, I know everyone plays youth hockey in a cage. It still looks freaky to me. Can’t they at least let him out of there at night?!)

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11 Responses to “Toni Lydman is a Monster”


  1. 1 Schnookie November 9, 2007 at 12:48 am

    I have it on very good authority that Staffy taunted Toni by dangling some delicious donuts just outside the cage, then stuck a finger in and Toni bit it off. They were only barely able to salvage the finger and reattach it. So no, they can’t let Toni out of his cage. He’s just too much of a threat to the entire city. And, obviously, a danger to himself. (He just won’t stop worrying at that cut!)

  2. 2 Katebits November 9, 2007 at 12:54 am

    I have it on very good authority that Staffy taunted Toni by dangling some delicious donuts just outside the cage, then stuck a finger in and Toni bit it off.

    :^:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

  3. 3 Schnookie November 9, 2007 at 1:09 am

    It’s no laughing matter, Katebits. Staffy could very well have lost that finger for good.

  4. 4 Heather B. November 9, 2007 at 1:41 am

    That picture is just gruesome. It looks like he has a ping pong ball shoved under his top lip.

  5. 5 Amy November 9, 2007 at 9:16 am

    Toni looks like he’s ready for some liver with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti.

  6. 6 Mags November 9, 2007 at 11:44 am

    Toni looks like he’s ready for some liver with a side of fava beans and a nice chianti.

    What I wouldn’t give to see him actually wear the Hannibal mask.

    Also, poor, unfortunate Toni.

  7. 7 Katebits November 9, 2007 at 1:58 pm

    I know, poor Toni Lydman! That cut looks painful too. Poor guy.

  8. 8 margee November 9, 2007 at 9:11 pm

    Aw, he looks like a lacrosse player now. And thus, a guy who would never date me.

  9. 9 Icing November 10, 2007 at 3:00 am

    Katebits…soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hilarious!!! You rock!


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